/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/58687695/5a7f5983aa7b8.image.0.jpg)
Happy Valentine’s Day, you guys! I know, in years past I’ve taken advantage of this holiday to gift you some amazing photoshop work, like last year’s Valentines and candy hearts or the year before that’s Valentines. (Note: Holy crap, these were good articles.) Last year also brought you some weirdly specific love notes from Rutgers, because they want very much to be loved.
This year, you get none of that. Sorry. I’m a busy gal. So this year it’s a crowd-sourced collection of Valentine’s Day poems. Some are about a “writer’s” own team, but mostly, they wrote about the team they secretly love totally hate.
The results, as you may guess, were mixed. But some years, you just kinda half-ass V-Day, amirite guys? Give a girl a pass, and enjoy these lyrical masterpieces.
Illinois
Roses are red,
Flowers all die.
It could be worse,
We could be Illini.
—WhiteSpeedReciever
Ok, maybe our Illinois writer will be more positive...
Roses are red, violets are blue
Illinois sucks and so do you
—Thumpasaurus
Roses are red
Blue jeans are pants
It’s been 5 years
Since we went to the Dance
—Still Thump
Roses are red
So is my pen
We’re never beating the Badgers again
—Yup
Roses are red
Yards measure distance
College sports suck
And so does existence
—Thump
Welp.
Indiana
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
IU still sucks,
A fact which is true.
—Boilerman31
Roses are red,
Mudders can muck it,
Indiana you’ll never,
Get back the Bucket.
—Boilerman31
Iowa
Roses are red, daffodils are orange
God, Iowa’s defense it’s just super terrible and frustrating. How the hell did this happen? They only lost Peter Jok, who’s not a great defender. Blech. Poorange
—StewMonkey
Ok, so that wasn’t exactly Sonnet 18. But Stew has suffered a lot during Hawkeye basketball this year. Let’s check in with Creighton:
Roses are red
Violets are pretty
Iowa sucks at zone defense
And their guard play is shitty
—Creighton
Roses are red,
Violets are purple
Seriously, though, they’re a year older and brought in 2 capable freshmen, Luka Garza is a shoo-in for all-freshman team, but nope, by far the worst defense of any power conference school. Nurple.
—StewMonkey, who might be broken
Roses are red,
Flowers don’t have parents
You, too, can coach Iowa
If your name is Ferentz.
—StewMonkey’s application to the Iowa Writer’s Workshop
Fuck the flowers
Give me some money
It’ll make up for Stew
Not being funny
—MNW
Roses are red
But daisies are fine
Against Northwestern
Kirk’s just 8 and 9.
—MNW
Maryland
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The basketball team
May as well be turtle stew.
—BRT
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
No one cared enough to write about Maryland
So this will have to do.
—BRT
Michigan
Roses are maize,
Violets are bluish,
Michigan playing defense?
Well now, that’s newish
—Noted Michigan fan G Filler
Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
Michigan won’t beat Ohio State again
Until after we’re all dead.
—WhiteSpeedReciever
Michigan State
Roses are red,
Holly is green,
Mark Dantonio is
The grumpiest man I’ve ever seen.
—BRT
Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
Good lord Izzo STOP
The Gophers are well and dead.
—BRT
Minnesota
Violets are blue,
Dead roses are brown.
It’s ‘bout time,
To put the Gopher program down.
—Noted Minnesota non-fan G Filler
Roses are red, and tend to rot,
PJ Fleck likes his dadgum chili hot
—StewMonkey
Flowers are nice
But they won’t fill the void
That Gopher fans feel
From these years without Floyd
—Creighton
Nebraska
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Nebrasketball is better than ten of your teams.
Who knew?
—Dead Read
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Looks FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST FROST
—BRT
Roses are red,
Growing them takes work,
Husker fans have been going
Scott Frost beserk
—BRT
Russ Rose is blue,
Another flower is an impatiens,
Suck it PSU,
Husker VB is the best in the nation
—BRT
Northwestern
Roses are red,
Violets are boss,
Well basketball sucks,
How ‘bout women’s lacrosse?
—MNW
The dog’s name is Spot
The crayon’s name is Harold
Is ten wins the ceiling
For poor Pat Fitzgerald
—MNW
Roses are red,
Carnations are cream,
Northwestern will always be,
Chicago’s Big Ten team
—Noted Chicago fan G Filler
Ohio State
Roses are red,
Buying flowers is a chore
Iowa beat Ohio state
55-24
—StewMonkey
This compressed schedule is shit,
NYC in March sucks,
Who would’ve thought,
We’d all be trailing the Bucks?
—Boilerman31
Penn State
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If you had to live in State College,
You would be too.
—BRT
Purdue
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please make a Final Four...
Before I die, Purdue.
—Boilerman31
Pete Rose was a Red,
Joe Stalin was too,
Orville Redenbacher made popcorn
And went to Purdue
—babaoreally
Rutgers
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I wish the B1G could trade Rutgers
For literally any other U.
—BRT
Truthbombs, by Creighton:
Huskers have neckbeards
Wildcats have butlers
But whoever you hate
They’re still better than Rutgers
(Unless you hate Northwestern, right MNW?)
Wisconsin
Junkies need speed,
Smokers need lighters,
But OTE doesn’t
Need more badger writers
—MNW (love u, Beez and MC)
Violets are blue,
Bad things are red,
Hooray that wisconsin “basketball” is dead
—StewMonkey
Aw, the Bard of Iowa finally waxed poetic.
Roses are red, I love Ron Swanson
Because he’d surely say “f*ck wisconsin”
—StewMonkey
You know you want to write your own now—let’s see what you’ve got in the comments!
Happy Valentine’s Day!