H.Y.P.R.R. ELITE: An Annotated Guide to Minnesota’s New Uniforms

In their never-ending quest to become Fleck U, the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers buzzword factory football team released this website chock-full of the new Minnesota uniform designs for 2018.

A word, briefly, on uniforms: They are not for you, nor are they for me. I think we all know that, but it bears repeating that no matter how much I scream into the ether about the color gray on non-Ohio State football uniforms (and, to be honest, even those, too), this is apparently what 18-year olds are drawn to when they seek out where to go 5-7 next.

Remember, the children are our future.

No, rather, my issue—that feels like a strong way of putting it, but we’ll roll with it—with the Minnesota website is the title and branding to follow: H.Y.P.R.R. ELITE, at hyprrelite.com.

Um.

So not a great start, but maybe there’s a fancy splash and some cool graphi—

AW HELL YEAH BUDDY NOT ONLY AM I READY TO RUN THROUGH A WALL AND PLAY SOME GOPHER FOOTBALL, I WOULD ALSO LIKE A SKIM CHAI LATTE, HALF-CAF, TO GO.

Seriously, which Dinkytown coffeeshop font did they rip off here, and do they have a great acoustic open mic night on Fridays that Graham and Jesse can go to?

So I’m not really feeling the coffeeshop HYPRR vibe, yet. Can you get me in the mood, Coach Fle—

I am confused as to what “Farmers Alliance” is doing in that opening montage of weird graphics like “Nekton mentality” (which...I guess?) and “RTB” and, if you can believe this, the Minnesota ‘M’ (they haven’t totally gotten rid of it yet!).

Has PJ Fleck been reading John Hicks? Is he going to march the team on the J.J. Hill Mansion and demand equitable rates for grain storage and shipping? WILL THEY HAVE IGNATIUS DONNELLY-THEMED UNIFORMS?! I am so fucking here for that, if that’s the case.

Anyways, the video is a complete lie, as it shows a Gopher receiver catching a pass.

So let’s get to the #content of this website.

EMBRACING THE PAST TO CREATE THE FUTURE.

Good! Reasonable! This way Roger Swanson, 52, of Cokato will feel more at ease and be reminded of simpler times, when block Ms went on both shoulder pads or John Gutekunst stalked the sidelines. Can’t wait to see how they play up “embracing the past.”

Those are the words that Minnesota football coach P.J. Fleck has used time and again in the 13 months he has led the Maroon and Gold.

I’m not gonna lie—there’s something that gives me a semi when my team’s colors are capitalized and used to refer to the school instead of the college or nickname. The Purple and White! The Scarlet and Gray! The Off-White and Taupe!

The last one might be the paint samples Ms. MNW picked out.

Today, those words – that mantra – took shape as the Gophers unveiled their new H.Y.P.R.R. ELITE uniforms for the 2018 season and beyond.

Maybe it’s because I’m grading essays right now, but part of me is screaming inside to get to the fucking point.

It’s Row The Boat meets Ski-U-Mah and the results are a bold – yet understated sophistication – for the Minnesota football team.

The day that PJ Fleck does something fucking understated will be the first. Also, this side of Northwestern (depending on how you feel about #RugbyStripe), I don’t know any football team whose jerseys make you think “Wow, I’d wear that to high tea.” Sophistication. Words truly have no fucking meaning.

Minnesota will have more than 100 possible uniform combinations next season,

/eyetwitch

but will stay true to tradition.

(Do we tell this writer that at some point they need to say what those traditions are, or do we see just how long they can keep this charade up?)

The Gophers introduced three new jerseys (Maroon, White and Anthracite), three helmets (Maroon, White and Gold) and four pairs of pants (Maroon, White, Gold and Anthracite) to choose from next season in addition to an ever-changing array of shoes, socks, facemasks and other accoutrements.

Aw yeah, there’s your fucking sophistication right there. ACCOUTREMENTS! THAT’S FUCKIN’ FRENCH, BUDDY. SOPHISTICATED, NO?

Comment dites-vous cinq et sept en Anglais?

Minnesota’s new Gold helmet and pants honors the past as it is a deeper shade of Gold – a Dart Gold – that resembles what the Gophers previously wore and is a shade that fans have longed to see again.

DART GOLD. You have LONGED to see this, Roger from Cokato, now please stop calling Barreiro to bitch about Row the Boat.

Also, put a comma in that fucking sentence. Somewhere. You’re not Hemingway.

The Gold helmet is also chrome, which again follows the theme of embracing the past to create the future. Minnesota’s Anthracite jerseys are also adorned with Dart Gold trim.

“Embracing the past!” Chrome and Anthracite! I will never stop enjoying how much “just throw the old fuckers a bone” there is in this product description. If you yell “IT’S HISTORY!” at ‘em over and over, eventually they’ll either agree or just die, I guess?

A unique pattern of an oar, boat and compass are emblazoned on the jersey numbers and collar to represent the program’s Row The Boat culture. An oar also makes up the center stripe on the helmet and a compass with the player’s number inside of it is displayed on the back above the school’s traditional Ski-U-Mah cheer.

WHAT DOES THE COMPASS SYMBOLIZE, AND IS THERE A SNAPPY ACRONYM TO GO WITH IT

I guess ripping off the Seattle Mariners logo kind of counts as “history,” if you squint really hard.

Minnesota will wear its new H.Y.P.R.R. ELITE uniforms in game competition for the first time when the Gophers host New Mexico State on Aug. 30 at TCF Bank Stadium.

And I will await them with bated breath.