Fran McCaffery’s team finished 19-15 (10-8) last year. It wasn’t a particularly memorable season, but it was a fun one. Peter Jok averaged almost 20 points per game, Jordan Bohannon emerged as a dangerous sharpshooter and Tyler Cook had a post-dunk stare down that was so good it needs to have its own statue.
The stare down by Tyler Cook!! pic.twitter.com/BeakLGPXhg— Devin Keller (@DevinMKeller) February 22, 2017
If Iowa Basketball in 2016-17 were a Nicholas Cage movie, it would be Kick Ass: nobody is going to mistake it for an Oscar winner, but it was still undeniably fun and entertaining. They were a young team who played with a lot of swagger and put up plenty of points.
This season though....woof. If this season were a Nicholas Cage movie, it would be Left Behind: its mere existence is so tragic and insulting to the medium that whoever decided to let it happen in front of cameras should be fired and publicly humiliated.
The Hawkeyes are 3-8 in the conference, their zone defense has more holes than the plot of The Last Jedi and they turn the ball over so often that I’m starting to suspect they think that doing so gives them points. Carver-Hawkeye Arena sits half full, with most of those fans leaving early each night so they can get up at 5:00 AM the next morning to go mall walking.
It’s already February. This basketball team isn’t getting any better, but maybe we can find a way to make them more fun. The following is a short list of ideas that I am providing for Iowa Basketball, at no cost, to make the Hawkeyes fun again.
Corporate sponsorship for Fran McCaffery’s technical fouls
Athletic director Gary Barta loves two things: Lying straight to our faces, and selling out for cold hard cash. Fran McCaffery loves nothing more than getting tee’d up and occasionally tossed from a game. Why not do something that makes everyone happy?
Imagine Fran throwing a chair shortly before getting his first Hy-Vee Technical Foul of the game? Sounds kind of fun, doesn’t it? Maybe we’d even get to hear something like “This Fran McCaffery ejection brought to you by Mediacom.”
Bonus idea: Pancheros could donate $100 to the U of I Children’s Hospital every time he gets a technical. That stuff adds up fast.
Steve Alford Piñata Night
I think this one would be great as a giveaway. You could hand them out to the first 5,000 fans or something. Or every fan. Or just have one gigantic one and let all the kids go to town on it for halftime entertainment. I promise you this promotion will sell out CHA. Don’t get your hopes up too much though because, just like the real thing, piñata Steve Alford is cold and empty inside.
T-Shirt gun filled with Pancheros burritos
This one is self explanatory.
Missed free throws, turnovers, giving up wide open jumpers...these are all things that are incredibly hard for fans to watch. Why not install a sound board at CHA to turn all these unfortunate mistakes into hilarious little comedic gems?
Take a defensive foul trying to stop an opposing player driving to the net? Sucks, right? Now imagine it with a hilarious slide whistle as both players are falling to the ground.
Have a shot bounce off the rim and straight into a defender’s hands? Make that a spring loaded “BOIII-YOI-YOI-YOIIIIING”
Brick a free throw? Easy. That one is the wrong answer horn from The Price is Right.
While they’re at it, they should try and teach the band to play Yakety Sax for whenever the opposing team goes on a 19-2 run.
A game where they remove all the seats
This one is kind of self serving. Once, just once, I want to be able to see a game at Carver-Hawkeye Arena where I stand up and clap for a Tyler Cook steal n’ dunk and not have ten different 65 year old voices from behind yelling at me to sit down. One time. That’s all I’m asking for.
Remove all the seats for a single game and make everyone stand up. Make it Rutgers or Illinois, I don’t care. It doesn’t have to be a good game, I just want to cheer for my team without getting handcuffed by the fun police.
Bring this cheerleader back
Seriously, that dude was awesome.
Anyone else have a good idea? Let us know in the comments!