University of Iowa athletic director Gary Barta has agreed to an extension on his deal with The Devil, complete with a massively impractical buyout, that will keep him locked in through at least the 2024-2025 gender discrimination season.
Barta’s new deal comes just as fans have started to wonder how much longer he can get away with federal Title IX investigations, $8 million wrongful termination lawsuits, disparate treatment of female athletes and straight up lies about contract negotiations with coaches. The answer, it would seem, is pretty much indefinitely (or until U of I president Bruce Harreld accidentally grows a conscience).
“Gary has done good work for me over the years,” said the Prince of Darkness. “Back in 2012 when a member of his staff was let go for sexually harassing athletes and trading nude pictures for football tickets, Gary told everyone the dude quit because of ‘personal reasons.’ That’s when I first saw potential in him. Once I noticed that he was firing female coaches at an alarming rate while replacing them with men at 25% increased pay, I knew I had my guy. I look forward to letting Gary get away with this shit for years to come.”
“I would like to thank His Satanic Majesty for the wonderful opportunity to drive this institution’s reputation off a cliff,” read Barta in a statement. “He has been incredibly supportive of me over the years, and I look forward to doing his bidding. It is a tremendous honor to have carte blanche to discriminate, lie, cheat and engage in cover ups at the behest of Lord Beelzebub. I look forward to the future, and all the lives we’ll be able to ruin together.”
With this deal with the literal Devil officially locked in, there doesn’t appear to be much Iowa fans can do to halt Barta’s reign of deceit, corruption and basic disregard for human decency.
The cost of Barta’s buyout is reported to have increased from “his soul for all of eternity” to include the souls of his firstborn son, the firstborn son’s goldfish and the family dog.
What else do you hate about Gary Barta?
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He’s raised football ticket prices so high that Kinnick Stadium probably won’t have a sellout crowd for a while
He keeps extending coaches to ensure that football and basketball win just barely enough games to keep his job safe
His Wikipedia page has a "controversies" section that’s almost 1,200 words long
He’ll never, ever schedule a non-conference football game worth watching (and that includes Iowa State)