Well...how’d Day One go? I taught in the middle of the evening, so I missed...well, the good stuff, really.

Yesterday really had its moments...until it didn’t. But, of course, it really just tried to make me look like an asshole:

Inevitably Disappointing: [6] Miami Hurricanes vs. [11] Loyola-Chicago Ramblers

I’m gonna watch, because the whole Red Line Rivalry (which also notably does not exist) is suspended for a week as I work myself into a full lather to watch a Plucky Upstart! team try to grind it out against an athletic-as-hell Miami squad. The Ramblers will slow this one waaaaaay down, and Miami will oblige them, trying to get to the basket and use foul trouble to negate Loyola’s outside shooting.

...

Anyways, Miami will win this 66-64 after Loyola hits a miraculous three to tie it with like, :15 to play, then the ‘Canes hit one at the buzzer.

or this

Potential BIG Upset?: [3] Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. [14] Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks

Oh, I’m still totally riding the Lumberjack high from a couple years ago when they had a LITERAL LUMBERJACK as their point guard or whatever bullshit that was. Couldn’t tell you a fucking thing about this year’s team besides knowing that they force like, the most turnovers in the NCAA or something.

So really this is to say that I had to pick a 13-or-lower seed to advance, and I’ll put my money on the ‘Jacks. (Deandre Ayton is going to murderdeathkill the Buffalo Bulls.)

So I’m an asshole and wrong about generally everything, but you knew that. It’s my fault for believing in the Lumberjacks, and...yeah. Goddamn, Buffalo. Pulled out the sock of nickels and just took ‘Zona behind the woodshed. Holy shit.

Big Ten Games

[2] Purdue Boilermakers vs. [15] Cal State-Fullerton Titans

11:40am GTZ | truTV | PU -20.5 | O/U 147

Little Caesars Arena, Detroit, MI

Read our preview: Boilerman breaks down how this could be a really special year for Matt Painter’s crew.

I will reiterate my fascination with Cal State-Fullerton’s mascot being an elephant.

That’s it. Boilers by a few dozen.

[3] Michigan State Spartans vs. [14] Bucknell Bison

6:10pm | CBS | -14.5 | O/U 148

Little Caesars Arena, Detroit, MI

Read our preview: Just Andrew, being insufferable about Michigan State or something.

The Bison, being a Patriot League champion, have, I’m sure, about 8 white guys varying size who play disciplined, fundamental basketball, shoot some threes, and do other various gritty things.

Michigan State will beat them by 25 points, because they are a better basketball team.

My Picks for Today:

Best Game: [8] Creighton Bluejays vs. [9] Kansas State Wildcats

Maybe? I honestly don’t know. Wichita State-Marshall could be an exciting one, since Marshall’s offense is generally just RUN AROUND A LOT AND DO IT REALLY FAST. Maybe Texas A&M-Providence would be enjoyable, but the Aggies are good on defense and Providence’s offense is...rough.

So I’ll take this 8-9 matchup, which promises to have some derpy Bruce Weber nonsense and some Creighton running around. I’ll also be at my bachelor party and shitfaced, so I doubt I’ll actually care.

Maybe the Texas Longhorns and Nevada Wolf Pack, actually. I want to see a matchup of Minnesota Gopher fans’ future head coaching delusions Past and Future.

Potential BIG Upset?: [16] Texas Southern Tigers vs. [1] Xavier Musketeers

You thought it’d be Marshall-Wichita State? Charleston-Auburn?

Nah. I believe in you, Mike Davis. You went 0-13 to start the season for a reason, goddamnit. Now’s the chance to prove us right. Do it. Take down this fraudulent #1 seed. (Seriously, the Musketeers are 14 in Kenpom. Jesus.)

Sure, NC Central is shitty. Sure, Texas Southern wasn’t particularly good against them.

I don’t care.

Inevitably Disappointing: [6] TCU Horned Frogs vs. [11] Syracuse Orange

The Orange will play their stupid fucking zone and make this a dumb, ugly, sloppy, bad basketball game.

They will probably win 62-56 or something equally dumb.

TV Schedule

Have a great weekend, y’all. Here’s your thread. Don’t be dicks.