ESPN Football FPI Rankings Guarantee Great Season By Big Ten

In the midst of conference basketball tournament action, in one of the few places where the little guy can get some publicity, ESPN decided to release their college football FPI rankings.

For you simpletons that don’t understand these things, let me explain the FPI rankings, as best I can. The ESPN hires one of the best surgeons in the country, neigh, the world, and this surgeon then removes numbers from ESPN’s ass and slaps them next to the names of teams with the largest fan bases in the country. Then Betty, from shipping and receiving, slaps an “official” on them, and voila! FPI rankings, or something like that.

So let’s take a look at the Big Ten. The Ohio State Buckeyes are at number 4. This is the perfect slot for them for generating publicity. Not nearly high enough for Buckeye fans, way too high for the rest of the world.

After the perennial overrating of Auburn, ND and Washington, there is a cluster of Big Ten teams. Penn State is 8, Michigan State 10, Michigan 11 and Wisconsin 12. Another ready made debate, this time for the fans of four fan bases.

Scrolling down more, you’ll pass a bunch of other teams that generally have one good year in four, but move the meter. ESPN puts these teams here so that on the rare chance they are good, they can say, “I told you so!”, while if they suck no one is really going to give a fuck that Texas or Florida was hovering around 20.

Then comes Iowa, at 25. Always the perfect spot. Could they be contender? Sure. Could they be lucky to break .500? Sure. No one can figure them out.

Upon further reflection, I think I might have been too sarcastic about FPI rankings and their meaning. Let me put it to the readers to decide.