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SB Nation Blocks OTE’s Pivot to Video Because the “Writers” Are Too Unsightly

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SBN cites rampant weight problems, receding hairlines and poor fashion sense amongst the staff in their decision

NFL: AFC Wild Card-Oakland Raiders at Houston Texans Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Some of you may have been aware of Off Tackle Empire’s upcoming plans to shift our focus from written articles to video based sports coverage, a so-called “pivot to video”. OTE managers decided to make the transition after growing tired of having to edit out typos, factual inaccuracies and deeply personal insults lobbed at writers from competing blogs. After watching several sites such as Fox Sports and Vice Sports fail miserably at pivoting, OTE leadership realized that the market for video-based sports reporting was still wide open and decided to go for it.

The move, which was months in the making, was abruptly cancelled by SBN leadership just days before it was to go live. SBN managing editor Brian Floyd sent an email to OTE managers informing them of his decision on Sunday morning.

“Not going to happen. You guys actually want to be in front of a camera? Are you kidding? You know that I’ve seen what you look like, right?
First of all, you’re all overweight. I mean just...fat as hell. This isn’t a Fox NFL halftime show, you actually have to look presentable.
Second, do any of you even own a suit? You can’t do video wearing your goddamn hunting camo, or flannel, or cowboy boots or whatever the hell else people from Wisconsin wear.
Third, let’s talk about your hair. Should we start with the bald writers or the the ones who apparently do Lethal Weapon cosplay?”

Floyd went on for several more pages, but you get the idea. We appealed the decision to SBN editor-in-chief Elena Bergeron, but her response was only two words.

“Absolutely not.”

(mandatory April Fools’ tag)