It was recently claimed in the “writers” room that I spend too much time complaining about Iowa State and that I might be obsessed with them. I want to be perfectly clear that I think this is disgusting slander.
I never think about Iowa State. Why would I? They are inconsequential to my life. I’m so good at not thinking about them that I stayed up all night thinking of reasons why I don’t think about them as proof that I don’t.
- ISU’s color scheme is hideous. Why would I ever think about it more than I have to?
- They once wore jerseys that said “Beat Iowa” and predictably lost.
- Their current look is just a ripoff of USC.
- They put Bugles on the side of their alternate helmet.
5. Jamie Pollard is a tremendous shitbird.
6. They got on the gray alternate jersey bandwagon like 5 years too late.
7. The Cracker Barrel in Ames doubles as city hall.
8. The “Team Out East” thing is the saddest bullshit I’ve ever seen in my life.
9. Matt Campbell looks like that kid from 8th grade that lied about his dad being in the CIA because he couldn’t make friends.
10. When former Iowa athletic director Bob Bowlsby was named Big 12 commissioner, ISU put up billboards that said “welcome home” even though he’s never been affiliated with Iowa State and the Big 12 is headquartered in Texas.
11. They’ve now gone 4 consecutive NFL drafts without a single player selected.
12. You can trigger any ISU fan simply by writing “ANF”.
13. There’s a joke somewhere about the word “Ames” being easy to say because it only has one syllable, but I don’t care enough to write it.
14. Sage Rosenfels is the best football player they’ve ever produced.
15. They lose to Northern Iowa often enough that at this point it should be celebrated as a tradition.
16. The phrase “Tavern Hok” is the second saddest bullshit I’ve ever seen in my life.
17. The new corporate sponsored Cy-Hawk trophy is stupid and boring. At least the old 8th grade shop class Cy-Hawk trophy was funny.
18. Ames almost certainly has more per-capita fans of Big Bang Theory than the national average.
19. I don’t think Matt Campbell can grow a mustache.
20. Steele Jantz is a made up name.
21. They used to throw a school sanctioned shindig each spring called VEISHEA where drunk frat boys would literally just start rioting and breaking stuff.
22. A cyclone is a weather phenomenon, but their mascot is a bird.
23. I’m actually getting pretty bored with this, so I’m gonna phone in the last two points.
24. Cheap shot about being inbred hicks.
25. I don’t know, something about tractors?
There you have it. Proof that I don’t give a shit about you, Iowa Stort. See? I even made a typo in your name there and I don’t care enough to go back and fix it. Happy Monday. The forecast is calling for sun, so please make sure your mules are well hydrated before you ride them to work today.