Golly, it’s Friday on Rutgers week, and I’m so happy to tell you all about my new favorite East team, the Rutgers Scarlet Knights.
Evidently, we’ve all been misinformed about the Garden State’s flagship public institution of higher learning, Rutgers University.
The capstone of public education in New Jersey, Rutgers, made a serious investment in athletics recently with the hiring of a noted athletic administrator in Patrick Hobbs.
The eighth athletic director, according to Wikipedia, appears to be doing a, shall we say, less than stellar job of continuing the ironclad record of competence, judgement, integrity, and excellence of his predecessor, the honorable and revered Julie Hermann, first of her name.
He has failed to reinforce the eminently wise decisions of parting ways with pregnant coaches because he cares about trifling things like maternity leave.
Egregiously, he doesn’t see fit to employ paragons of virtue like former athletic department employee Kyle Flood that elected to participate in enjoyable and highly regarded after-class discussions with random professors and teaching assistants about the schoolwork of students that just so happen to fancy an interest in kicking an oblong porcine-skin ball.
Furthermore, Patrick Hobbs allows his team of men’s and women’s cagers to play in the spacious and luxurious Louis Brown Athletic Center, which has room for visiting fans with an ample amount of seats to spare.
Unfortunately, the revenue driver of all college athletic departments is college football, so I’ll return to this topic.
College football was born at a dirt field in the bucolic hamlet of New Brunswick, New Jersey several years after the Civil War ended, vastly far away from the civilized climes of New York City and Philadelphia.
Keenly interested in expanding what later became Rutgers University, the school built a gymnasium over an insignificant dirt field. I mean, Universities need to grow, and out with the old, in with the new, amirite?
Out of an abundance of envy, the institution later known as Rutgers University developed a severe case of academic and athletic envy on the richer and more prestigious private university located not that far away.
Unfortunately, the men of Princeton University were to receive unexpected joy from a visiting band of reputable, and shockingly intelligent Rutgers men.
The men of Rutgers were eager to steal a revolutionary war cannon from their ancient archival, Princeton.
But much to their dismay, the cannon refused to budge.
Unfortunately, the weight of the stubborn cannon and the infirmity of the getaway car led to the car splitting in half and the shellshocked men of Piscataway darting away in shame.
This unfortunate event was in no way shape or form reflective of the stellar athletic accomplishments yet to come.
The Scarlet Knights endeavored valiantly between conferences and years to become everyone’s favorite slump-buster in all years save 2006.
Graciously, the Big Ten Conference saw infinite and eternal wisdom (and guaranteed and ever increasing TV $) in adding a team from one of the smallest geographic states in the country.
Evidently, teams from a small state can become beloved powerhouses
Rutgers University is beloved from Pennsylvania to Nebraska, especially in Bloomington, Indiana and State College, Pennsylvania as the classic slump-buster, happy to be good neighbors and provide a conference win to teams in need.
So I hope you, dear readers have enjoyed my tale of my dear love for my beloved Rutgers Scarlet Knights!
What should we call that school in piss-cat-a-way?
This poll is closed
New Jersey State Barber College
New Jersey University of Animal Husbandry
OONCE OONCE OONCE JERSEY SHOOORE WOO U!!
New Jersey State School of Clowning and the Art of Pratfalls
Gym, Tan Laundry Junior College of Seaside Heights
The Ray Ransom School of Subpar Console Cinematic Experiences and Video Games