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Frostmania: It’s Time to Get a Grip, Nebraska

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In which we explore Husker fans taking things WAY too far

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Omaha World-Herald

The three of us love our state. We love Husker football. We think Scott Frost was a very good hire for our team and we’re excited to see what he does as a head coach.

However.

We have been forced to reckon over the past months with our fellow fans’ COMPLETE lack of chill regarding our new coach. I mean, it’s great that Hanson’s SuperSpeedyMart in Thedford has a sign that says “Welcome Coach Frost!” but who is the intended audience here? Every type of business in every corner of the state has done such things. Matters have gotten not only a bit silly, but downright embarrassing, as you’ll see from the following merchandise, all of which can be purchased somewhere on the internet. And so, it has fallen on us to take a hard look at what is going on in Huskerland, and offer a few thoughts about this ridiculous state of affairs.

Read on, if you must, and know our shame. But be prepared--serious cringing ahead.

Exhibit #1: MNGA Shirt

Not even once.

BRT: I actually like this shirt, in a way. Sure, it’s disgusting and in poor taste, and whatever Scott Frost has done in his life it’s surely no justification for slandering him in this way through associations with a national embarrassment, but… this is a useful shirt. It lets me know that I absolutely do not want to talk to the individual wearing it. A real time saver, really.

Dead Read: This shirt does perform a public service - it advertises the politics of its wearer, as well as his/her complete lack of self-awareness.

Jesse: You’ve both alluded to the lack of awareness, but let’s dive a step deeper. Is it like… even remotely clever? Does the publisher think this is unique? It’s not. It’s also so very Nebraska and I’m excited that this is arguably the ceiling, not the floor…

BRT: This is also the only one of these shirts I’ve seen in the wild so far, which is depressing AF, and I’m prepared to shoot a lot of icy looks at games this fall. But, icy looks... will the fevered just think it’s a Frost homage? Sigh.

Exhibit #2: Party Like it’s 1997

I want something else... to get me through this... pretty damned painful list.

BRT: Good use of 90s shapes in the background. I’m actually not opposed to partying like it’s 1997--my 30th birthday boasted just such a theme. #awfulmillennial I also like the jersey texture in the numbers. Let’s face it, as Husker fans, we’re already accused (not without warrant, I admit) of living in the past, so I kind of enjoy this shirt for just going there.

Dead Read: I would wear this shirt.

Jesse: I feel like I own this shirt. Do I own this shirt? OH GOD THEY’RE MARKETING TO ME.

BRT: Guys! It’s on sale! $11.99. What an incredible value.

Exhibit #3: Saint Frost

“Get into the St Patrick’s Day spirit with the saint of the Huskers Saint Frost.”

Kill it with fire. Or drown it in a green river. I don’t care.

BRT: Ooooo, I have so many questions! Like, who buys specific St. Patrick’s Day shirts? What is the tie-in of this holiday with college football? Is there really a subset of our fanbase that is so obsessed with Scott Frost that they need Frost shirts for every holiday? (I am scared of the answer to this.) And finally… he’s already sainted? Uh… wow.

Dead Read: BRT, I think “wow” applies to all of these. I have no answers.

What does St. Patrick’s Day have to do with this shirt? Thirst. Such thirst.

Jesse: I would like to read the Parable of Saint Frost. We could learn how he multiplied runzas and Omaha Steaks. Or we could learn about the miracle of the Nebraska Blackshirts resurrection. This is just so dumb. Why are we doing this to ourselves?

BRT: You know, if he multiplied Runzas, I would have less problem with this shirt.

Exhibit #4: Commemorative Coin

Things to make your kids shake their heads in disbelief when they’re cleaning out your house in 30 years.

BRT: I don’t really understand commemorative coins. But this is funny.

Dead Read: Who buys these? Who would buy this thing, in particular?

Jesse: Confession time: I totally would have bought this as a not-well-adjusted third grader who had no friends and thought ‘Coin Collecting’ meant buying commemorative coins with my saved money. My parents only let me buy one. I don’t even remember what it was for. Also, his face looks so awkward on that coin.

BRT: I appreciate they kept the eye wrinkles though. That’s the kind of attention to detail that lets you know this is a quality piece that will only appreciate in value.

Exhibit #5: Frost Warning

You know it’s quality apparel when they manage to cram an entire run-on almost sentence onto the thing.

BRT: Ok, well first the obvious… da fuq happen to Maryland?

Dead Read: This is a bad look on several levels. Geography was one of the first majors offered by the University of Nebraska. The current round of budget cuts targets that department for elimination. We reap what we sow.

Jesse: Can we talk about where they put the Nebraska state outline? Like, it’s not actually part of anything specifically but someone designing this thought, “Oh Shit! We totally forgot Nebraska.” And instead of scaling back their already terrible graphic, they just randomly threw it up top on the T because APPARENTLY WE DON’T HAVE ANY DESIGN SENSE EITHER.

BRT: Yeah, the western edge of Iowa is all wrong. I realize that geography is the least of this shirt’s sins, but I’m having trouble grappling with the enormity of the situation here.

Friends, if someone in your life wears this, you need to intervene. Or cut ties. Maybe the latter.

Exhibit #6: Frost Miniskirt

Well, it’s certainly a whole lot of look.

BRT: Dead Read, I am buying one of these for you. It would be rude not to wear it. Think what a splash you’ll make at the home opener.

Dead Read: You don’t have to do that. Really.

BRT: Hips don’t lie--this is a ridiculous piece of clothing.

Dead Read: I want to meet the woman who wears this skirt, ironically or not. She is definitely a fan of poor decisions.

BRT: Kind of your type, eh?

Jesse: What this entire exercise is telling me is that we have missed an AMAZING opportunity to sell really stupid products to what seems to be an unending set of willing consumers.

Exhibit #7: Frost Comic Book

I’ve tried to write a caption for this for five minutes, and words simply don’t suffice, I find.

BRT: Well friends, this is it. Our Power Towel moment. This is bad. Very bad.

Dead Read: The Omaha World-Herald has published a book to commemorate Scott Frost’s return. They serialized and subsequently published a damn comic book about...an administrative process? I remain stunned.

Jesse: Everything about the dimensions of Scott Frost on that cover scream, “We don’t do this professionally, but I know you all will buy it anyways.” I’d be surprised, but like, newspapers are the credible source and far be it from me to argue against their supremacy in coverage.

In case you were unaware, being the most sought-after coach in the land naturally requires you to... wear a codpiece?
Omaha World-Herald

Exhibit #8: Zoolander Frost

K, I’m a size M if anyone wants to get this for me.

BRT: I actually love this one, albeit ironically. Just… look at it!!! I’m dead.

Dead Read: Why does this make me think of Reservoir Dogs?

Jesse: That suit is actually pretty fly.

Well, there you have it. HuskerNation has lost its damn mind. Now, of course, Not Every Husker. But the fact that these even exist, even on a site like redbubble, which is not affiliated with the university, is still pretty bad. Someone is either buying these, or someone thinks they will. And that’s pretty damning.

But now I kind of want to make a bingo card of these and take them to games and see what I see...

Poll

The item I would most like to purchase for secret Husker fan Stewmonkey is:

This poll is closed

  • 25%
    MNGA
    (118 votes)
  • 16%
    Party Like It’s 1997
    (77 votes)
  • 2%
    Saint Frost
    (12 votes)
  • 6%
    Commemorative Coin
    (29 votes)
  • 16%
    Frost Warning
    (75 votes)
  • 20%
    Frost Miniskirt
    (93 votes)
  • 4%
    Frost Comic Book
    (22 votes)
  • 7%
    Zoolander Frost
    (33 votes)
459 votes total Vote Now