Minnesota Potluck: What Big Ten tradition would you retire?

I just had a birthday last weekend, and it was great. I was able to play some golf, do a bunch of stuff with the spawn, drink some Grain Belts, and, most importantly, enjoy some raspberry cheesecake. It’s just the best, and I try to limit it to once a year so that I can really enjoy it on my birthday.

Sometimes the best part of a tradition is scarcity. like singing “Wonderwall” after the Loons win (which isn’t something I get to do regularly) or shots of Riga Black Balsam with your Latvian friends after a big win.

But there are other times where traditions need to be given a quick kiss on the forehead before you put the pillow over them. There are some things that the marketing idiots come up with for “engagement” that should have been stopped before being rolled out, but for one reason or another got past common sense. So let’s hear about them..

Question 1: Do you have a traditional dessert for your birthday every year? Is it something you still like, or does it need to be retired?

Aaron: I don’t always get a cake on my birthday, but when I do, I make sure it’s ice cream cake with the chocolate crunchy things. I don’t think that mix of cream and crunch will ever get old!

MNW: Congratulations, old man! Like Gopher football, your best years are behind you.

My traditional birthday dessert is, like Aaron’s, ice cream cake. I am not a birthday list maker, and piss off my parents/wife each year by telling them all I want for my birthday is ice cream cake and a pony. So, a couple years ago, the then-girlfriend made me a homemade ice cream cake and topped it with a little toy horse.

It was excellent.

Boilerman31: I may break out some bourbon or scotch. But no special dessert.

Beez: Dessert? Not really. Always some kind of cake, usually from the local amazing cake baking place. When I was a kid I always had an angel food custard cake from some bakery in Eau Claire that’s now closed.

MC ClapYoHandz: Well I’m not usually much of a dessert or birthday person, but I’m always looking for ways to further enhance my thunder, so if pressed for a preference I typically keep it simple with some Ben & Jerry’s or a jelly-filled donut. If I happen to be in Wisconsin I’ll probably cave and get some custard, because custard is truth.

BRT: My favorite birthday cake is a chocolate cake from an old Betty Crocker cookbook that ingeniously uses two 9” round pans to create a cat. Homemade frosting is a must. Yes, I am in my 30s. No, I do not care if this is uncool. It’s chocolate, cake, and cats--three of the best things in life. (They’ve unnecessarily rebranded this as a “Halloween Black Cat” but if you’re so inclined, here are the cutting directions.)

Stew: I’m not sure I’d call it a tradition, but man, I do enjoy a good flourless chocolate cake with a rye old fashioned.

Question 2: What’s one tradition that your school does that absolutely needs to be retired immediately?

Aaron: Our students should stop throwing themselves up in the air after touchdowns because it’s dangerous and is also a ripoff of Notre Dame.

MNW: To be honest, when I think about this I can only think of the cool shit that Northwestern no longer does/can do, now that we’re trying to be a “big time” program or whatever: throwing marshmallows at the band, laking the posts, the fourth-quarter “Put Your Hands Up in the Air” routine that might actually have come back last year… The traditions I can think of are all NUMB-related, and thus very stupid. I would, first and foremost, abolish the position of Grynder. (No, we’re not talking about the gay sex app.) It is dumb and pointless and has devolved to a very stupid, unnecessary position. Fight me, NUMBalums.

I also love shaking keys at kickoff. I love it. Fight me, stupid freshman writing for the Daily Northwestern who wants that “symbol of elitism” abolished. You’re wrong, you’re dumb, and you should sit there and be wrong and dumb.

Boilerman31: Well, since the kiddos in the student section decided to ruin it by adding another word for a female dog to the end if the first down chant, it’s time for it to die for a couple of reasons. First, until last year, Purdue was in little position to call anyone ‘bitch’. Second, now that I’m taking my 4-year old to games, I’d rather not explain to him what they’re saying and why he shouldn’t say it.

Beez: The Wisconsin tradition that needs to die is staying at your pregame until the start of the first quarter and then showing up halfway through the second quarter and LOLOMG YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE HOW MANY BEER BONGS WE DID ALONG THE WAY AND UGH THERE’S STILL TWO MORE QUARTERS AFTER THIS?!? Seriously Wisconsin students, you’ve sucked ass as a section for 15+ years. Fix it.

MC: It’s definitely the student section chanting “Eat shit, fuck you” at each other. I’ve never understood the logic of that one outside of kids just branching out of their Ralph Wiggum innocence to say real swear words in public. The whole thing wouldn’t even make sense to a naive outsider. “Oh my, it looks like half of the student section is berating the other half. And now the latter half has returned the favor. Perhaps there’s some civil unrest amongst their ranks? Oh, nevermind, they’re done with the onslaught and everyone is awkwardly clapping.” It’ll never end because for every spring that graduates adults that are potentially over it, there’s a fall that brings in some fresh 18 year-olds ready to frickin’ cuss.

BRT: Anything involving Lil’ Red. Just get rid of it. Preferably yesterday.

Thumpasaurus: …………………………………………………………………………..

WSR: Stop fucking making us celebrate first downs. It’s the most basic tenant of the offense’s job. [How much rent does it pay, dumbass]

Stew: There are those that would say the Pancheros Big Burrito Lift. Fuck that noise, burritos are awesome, and Pancheros is the best. I would say the tradition of employing an athletic director who has been found guilty of gender discrimination. Yeah, that should be ended right quick.