Northwestern, put down that Tide Pod and read this

Northwestern football is the anthropomorphic manifestation of the concept of “Millennials”

For what is more Millennial than the idea that Fitzgerald ‘is a good coach because he can have a winning record despite so many nerds’?

For whatever reason, Fitz gets put in or near the top 5 B1G coaches in every ranking. And every time, his blurb includes either a reference to the “limitations on him” as NW’s head coach or a comparison with how awful Northwestern was before him. He doesn’t actually do a great job, but let’s make him special and feel like he does.

NW as a program can’t hang with the best teams, and Fitzgerald can’t ever really beat anyone all that good, but hey, they’re TRYING! That should be good enough, right? Let’s sing their praises for continuing to not win their division, just so they don’t get all sad and mopey.

It makes sense, then, that a program that is Millennial given form wants to add to a long and ever-growing list that includes Applebee’s, diamond rings, the suburbs, golf, having kids, buying houses but also not buying houses, big box stores, beer, department stores, napkins, cars, the birth rate, Buffalo Wild Wings, and newspapers.

What does jMillennial U want to kill next? College football itself.

“It’s not fair that we only get a scholarship and weight training and whatever a trainers table is and gym gear and hotels and flights!!! We want to get PAID toooooo!”

Or have we already forgotten that time a bunch of whiny babies formed a big whine circle and cried to a court to try to force their school to pay them MONEY for having fun and playing a game. Can’t imagine where the football players got the idea of hating hard work.

Figures that NW would want the participation ribbons of working hard, sweating, and providing labor—money. Nothing’s gonna kill football faster than letting some of the billions trickle down to the layabouts and ne’er-do-wells.

As with all Millennials, Northwestern Football even complains about the free handouts they’re given! Example: a couple years ago, Wisconsin fans and students tried to give a bunch of NW players and cheerleaders a supply of snowballs for later use. Millennial U’s response? Whining and crying because they didn’t get the gift they wanted. Whiny kids

Even worse, to soothe all of Northwestern’s “butthurt” (as I’m told the Millennials call it), that same game ended with the grown ups deciding to award NW a win they didn’t deserve, stretching the “did he catch it” Rule as far into the future as it took to claim Jazz dropped it.

Look I get it. Millennials are the future and we gotta try to stay on their good side. If we have to give up a win here and there to soothe and coddle and make sure they don’t finally kill something we all enjoy, like attending a sold-out sporting event, I can withstand the sacrifice.

Still not convinced Northwestern Football and Millennials are the same thing? I have a statement and a question for you: Anyone ages 22-37 in 2018 is considered a Millennial. What year was it Northwestern football was born?

Checkmate, guy who was doubting the absolute cartoon Robin Hood splitting an arrow in the middle of a bullseye with another arrow accuracy of my analogy.

Hopefully in a couple years, the crowning achievement of Millennial U will pay dividends. Because what’s more Millennial than letting all the grown ups and fawners convince you you’re so good and special; committing to an employer just long enough to get mad that your employer doesn’t worship you the way your parents told you it should; and quitting your job in South Carolina to transfer across the country to a vastly inferior job near-ish Chicago sorta where you can be the biggest fish in a really small pond and reclaim the undeserved recognition you crave?

jNW passes on traditional measurements of program building handed down from their prior generations. They steadfastly refuse to attract a core fan base of casual, suburban fans, instead preferring to insulate themselves with a more niche, hipster-like, constituency who values the “experience” and the “selfies” and the “posting where you are on social media” more than the outcome of the game.

They’re not as iconic as the greatest generation (Michigan), or as relevant as the baby boomers (Wisconsin). But what more can you really expect? They are just Millennials, after all.

I wish Northwestern the best though. I hope they can keep racking up the 2nd place trophies and doing “the best they can,” because it’s really not all that good.

They are just Millennials, after all, and they’re doing a great job!*

*for a bunch of Millennials