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B1G 2018: Wisconsin Potluck II- What’s your unhealthy food?

Looking to kill someone via amazing fatty food intake? We’ve got the gameplan here.

Wisconsin is known for many things, all of them good and not at all serial killerish. One area that Wisconsin particularly shines is the production and consumption of the most alarmingly unhealthy yet delicious foods. We’re talking fried cheese curds, Kringle, bratwursts, Italian sausage, Polish sausage, summer sausage, venison sausage, literally any cheese, cream puffs, beer-battered fish, butterburgers, just butter (grab a stick and join the party), Bloody Mary’s, which don’t sound terribly unhealthy until you see the full rotisserie chicken fixated onto the top of the pitcher, and more. Depending on your municipality there may be beer flowing through your water main. It’s state fair year-round here, and that makes potlucks interesting to attend. Everyone has a go-to dish they bring to a potluck, but what happens when your clientele will pay no mind to pasta salad? OTE investigates.

2018 Wisconsin Potluck Question 2

Premise- you are going to an actual potluck that has a reputation for amazing yet horrifically unhealthy food, and you don’t want to be the knob that brought chocolate-free brownies or whatever. What homemade concoction are you pulling out of your recipe book? Homemade booze monstrosities are also welcome:

WhiteSpeedReceiver: What’s the main course being provided? Is this a hog roast, or did some asshole decide to magnanimously provide everyone with some godawful sloppy joes?

Because if it’s the former, I’ll probably bring two things: some vinegar-based cole slaw that is outstanding because a) there’s no fucking mayo in it and b) it goes amazingly with anything pig-based. The second thing would be my (completely safe) cookie dough for desert. Because everyone loves cookie dough without the risk of salmonella.

If it’s sloppy joes being provided, I’d just bring some buns and a bag of chips. Garbage in, garbage out.

MNWildcat: It’s not a “monstrosity,” per se, but (in addition to Wildcat Spritzer, which is a carefully guarded NUMB secret) I have been known to make a gin bucket (not to be confused with a gun bucket). Pretty simple: couple handles of gin, can of lemonade concentrate, few two-liters of Sprite or Fresca. Mix. Drink from turkey baster.

I guess the other recipe that I’ve made for a tailgate that I’m most proud of is the bacon burger bomb: create, if you will, a quilt of bacon in a baking pan. Now, over the top of that quilt, pound flat a great deal of ground beef which you’ve mixed with appropriate burger seasonings (I went with a proprietary blend of spices, along with some Worcestershire sauce--BBQ sauce is also good). Sprinkle your choice of shredded cheese liberally.

Next, roll it up like a log. Grill the shit out of it. You’ll need a couple hours; start this early. Cut into that log like it’s an ice cream cake from DQ. Serve. Enjoy. Have defib paddles ready.

Beezer: I’m probably making buffalo chicken mac and cheese and bringing that. It’s just a couple boxes of Annie’s or Kraft, with full butter of course. Make it as usual. When done, dump in like 3/4 of a rotisserie chicken and a bunch of Frank’s and stir it all up until it’s a troubling shade of orange.

If you’re really going for the gold, you can chop up some bacon to stir it in or you can simply lay bacon across the top of the serving dish in a criss-cross fashion and people can grab a couple slices after they dole out a bowl full.

Boilerman31: If nobody else is going to be that guy, I’ll be that guy. Rotel (Hot, of course) and Velveeta in the Crock Pot.

Jesse Collins: Two words. Snickers. Salad.

Aaron Yorke: My girlfriend makes a pretty good chip dip that is very, very bad for you. Salsa, shredded cheddar, and lots of cream cheese. I would probably add some guac and ground beef with taco seasoning to make it even more awesome.

Dead Read: An assortment of chewing gums.

StewMonkey13: Probably my bacon wrapped, smoked, stuffed jalapenos. Brown some pork sausage (I use Italian or chorizo), mix with equal parts cream cheese and Colby Jack, and add a bit of your hot sauce of choice (I used sriracha). Halve a bunch of jalapenos and stuff with mixture. Wrap a half of a thick cut piece of bacon. Smoke for about 2 hours.

The gout is totally worth it.

LGHF: Homemade cupcakes inspired by and imbued with Michigan beer flavors; did an Oberon one a while back.

And this is my wife who did it, of course.

MC ClapYoHandz: I’m gonna go all bougie with some apple pie liqueur. Dump a half gallon of apple juice and a half gallon of apple cider into a pot, add up to a half cup of sugar and 6-8 cinnamon sticks (NOT ground cinnamon). Heat on medium until you get some bubbles going (but not a full-on boil), then lower heat to medium-low or low and simmer for as long as you’re willing to wait. I let it go for 3-4 hours sometimes but you could stop after like 30 minutes, it’ll just be less concentrated. Refrigerate long enough so that alcohol won’t burn off, then add Everclear to taste.

Or if it’s a trashy party and you want everyone to puke colors, Skittles vodka. Not writing out the process unless someone here is still in college.

I did the math and the OTE potluck is coming in at threeve-thousand Texa$ calories; feel free to pile on in the comments.