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B1G 2018: Wisconsin Mailbag Answers

We answered questions you asked. How wild is that?

Live look into OTE headquarters.
Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images

It’s our favorite part of the week: it’s Mailbag time! An opportunity to field questions from our readers and discuss our favorite topic, the Wisconsin Badgers. Typically I like to get cute with an intro that tries and fails to be a lighthearted, cunning segue into the topic at hand, but we’re itching to dig into the questions so let’s get right to it!

Yeah, I have a lot of questions.
1. How dare you?!
2. Fuck wisconsin

fuck wisconsin
sub question? fuck wisconsin

Oh I see.

Well, here are some answers, anyway:

What is your favorite flavor/type of cheese curd?
And my followup question: What’s the best thing to get at the farmer’s market, and why is it spicy cheese bread?

MC: Well the obvious choice of curd is cheddar, fried. If we’re eating these things au natural I’m pretty simple: cheddar, white cheddar, or garlic if I’m feeling sassy.

The farmer’s market has stuff besides spicy cheese bread?

Beez: Absolutely 100% fried cheddar curds are the way to go. If they have to be fresh, which is still delicious, btw, I’m going with the plain ol’ white cheddar curds, microwaved for about 20 seconds until they halfway melt. That’s what makes all the oily greasy deliciousness emerge.

Don’t know what this spicy cheese bread is, but the answer is 11 samples of wine. Or ice cream.

Given that Wisconsin is predominately German-American in heritage, why are they primarily known for British cheeses?
-Stormy Dragon

Beez: EXCUSE ME but Wisconsin is predominately AMERICAN-American in all things, including heritage. Also, which cheeses are the British ones?

MC: You have to think of the times. Sure, Germans were prominent in settling the area, but the British were still the biggest influence on the market. It’s a tough call for a cheesemaker: do I stick to the dairy of my native land, or do I give the people what they want. Money talks, and the Wisconsin area fell prey to Big Cheese like many others. Muenster is kinda popular now though! So that’s something.

I don’t know what I’m talking about.

What’s your favorite type of jazz? Are there any particular jazz tunes that you find so catchy you just can’t get them out of your head?

MC: I don’t have a real response to this, but we’re keeping it anyway for the solid trolling.

Beez: (At NW fans): Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. (At empty purple chair): You’re cool. I’m out!

In a land that includes some beautiful landscapes (inland lakes, river bluffs, hilly driftless area, Apostle Islands, Lake Michigan shore), why is it that Badgers only talk about their Beer, Brats, and Cheeses? Are you scared of tipping off FIBS to virgin territory, or are you truly such drunken tub-a-lards that you can’t roll outdoors every once-and-a-while and enjoy nature?

MC: I cannot speak for a huge portion of the state because I grew up in Milwaukee, thought it was way too small, and relocated to Baja Wisconsin. The only nature I need in life is the concrete jungle I immerse myself in. I can’t bring the Apostle Islands with me, so food it is!

Beez: I reject the premise, as Wisconsinites will gladly discuss the wind chill, deer hunting season, snowmobiling, Friday night fish fry, and Going to the Lake.

In 2050, what team’s losing streak to Wisonsin will be longest, Minnesota, Iowa or Northwestern?

MC: Since they own the longest current losing streak and are definitively the worst program on the list, it’s easily Minnesota.

Beez; It’s an unfair question, because Minnesota already has a 14-game head start. Best Iowa and Northwestern can hope for is 32 in a row. Minnesota’s gonna be pushing 50!

Plus lol, college football isn’t going to exist in 2050.

Two parter:
1) If your will could leave any part (city, county, area) of Wisconsin to another B1G state, what would you dispose of, and to whom?
B) If you could annex any part of any other B1G state to Wisconsin, what would it be, and why.
Extra credit: Will the 2019 Badgers be better than the 2018 version?

MC: 1) I would gift Wisconsin’s side of the Wisconsin-Upper Michigan border to Ohio, so that Ohio and Michigan have to touch each other way more.
B) I would annex northeastern Illinois so that Chicago would be a Wisconsin city and I could still be a Wisconsin resident, and it’s funny to me to consider Northwestern an in-state rival. Plus the rest of Illinois wouldn’t even fight this.
EC: Offense better, defense worse, special teams still fat kicker, we’ll say 15-0.

Beez: 1) I’d give Superior to Minnesota, specifically Duluth. They’re already basically the same city, so it makes sense.

B) I’d annex the Michigan parts of Lakes Michigan and Superior. Unable to reinforce and/or support their now-isolated residents in the UP, Wisconsin could simply blockade, force the UP to secede from Michigan, and join Wisconsin. Sure, you could just annex the UP, but my way is more like Civ III.

Extra Credit: Uhh I think they’ll be better equipped to be very good+ teams but will end up with a lower ranking and winner of a worse bowl than last yaer. You decide if that’s “better.”

How much cheese could a cheese curd curd if a cheese curd could curd cheese?

MC: 7.

Beez: You can get poutine at a restaurant near my house that styles itself basically as an indoor food truck (think a lot of variety, a lot of different spice, and more expensive than you want. But also with a great beer selection), and it’s pretty tasty. The total bullshit part is it says “french fries with sausage gravy and cheese curds” but then it’s french fries with sausage gravy and bullshit fresh baby mozzarella curds that makes it all seem more like a scoop of runny cottage cheese than what everyone in Wisconsin thinks of as “cheese curds.”

Is an 11-2 season with losses to Michigan and psu but beating OSU in the ccg game a disappointing season? He says it would be, because the badgers would have gone 1-2 in the games that mattered and presumably are left out of the playoffs. I think it’d be a success because even though he’s right in that it would be disappointing to come so close and miss the playoffs twice, the program would have still cleared a hurdle in beating OSU on a neutral field, something that it seems to have trouble doing

MC: Compared to a perfect season, sure, obviously disappointing. But I’ll never whine about a B1G title earned by knocking out OSU. I would be concerned about fans that consider this a failure; I get that these last couple years in particular carry playoff hopes, but legitimately being bummed out about a season like that only makes sense for Bama-level programs.

Beez: Winning the conference after losing to the East Divison’s 2nd and 5th best teams would be a little weird, but if it included beating OSU in the conference championship, I’d take it! I also don’t think you can legit complain about a disappointing season when in involves winning the B1G if you’re a Wisconsin fan. Finally, if the alternative is going 2-1 in games that matter, but losing the CCG to OSU, I don’t see how that’s preferable.

Expect to play for the conference title, hope-but-feel-confident to win the CCG, dream to make the playoffs.

What is the purpose of the relish cart that comes around before my steak dinner? And do you LIKE the relish cart??

MC: This appears to be a Northwestern/butler type joke but I thought NU was Nebraska.

Beez: Nearly everything about Target Field is an enormous improvement over playing games in the Metrodome. EXCEPT dollar hotdog day. When the Twins played at the Metrodome, on...Tuesdays? and Wednesdays? you could get a delicious, normal-sized Hormel hotdog for $1 and they were really good. Like McDonald’s plain ol’ cheeseburger good. Plus during one of the inning breaks they would pick a row in a specific section and that entire row would win hotdogs and they got to be wiener winners in the HORRRRMELLLL ROW. OF. FAAAAAAAAME.

Fast forward, and the hotdogs they use for dollar hotdog night are some other garbage brand that are more like the tenth White Castle slider in ten minutes bad. Why does this matter? Because relish is amazing on hotdogs. Also it’s absolutely the key deviled eggs, as is a spoonful of the relish juice sans pickle chunks (some of you may know this as “pickle juice”).

Supper club

Beez: Our Cabin on the Lake growing up was on Fireside Lake, nearish Bloomer, Wisconsin. And somewhere near our cabin (which we always called “the Cottage” and I don’t know why we didn’t just say cabin) was a supper club that did an amazing Friday night fish fry. Even back in the day before Beez started eating fish, the rest of the buffet they’d have set up was amazing and had all the highlights for a teenage boy’s appetite. To cap it off, they would have an older-but-not-old lady play polka classics on her accordion for a couple hours and sometimes old people couples would dance. Plus it was like $5.

MC: Hi hello yes hey if you have a good supper club recommendation within Chicago city limits please join us in the comments thank you okay.

Is Buttgers the Wicked Witch of the East? Since she dies the moment Dorothy arrives in Oz, she’s not exactly scary. The Wicked Witch of the West was scary af tho. #DivisionPride
-Hollywood Hawk Hogan

Beez: Wouldn’t Michigan be more the Wicked Witch of the East? No threat to do anything anymore, but everyone still knows who they are and remembers their past deeds. Or Maryland because I’m sure the WWofE was like the 4th string QB and now the Wicked Former Highschool Wrestler of the East has to step in.

MC: Or the Wicked Witch of the East is Delany: he’s not as visible as any of the teams but he brought all this East Coast swine into our land and we all still feel it. I don’t know if that’s even a good fit for the movie but the conference needs to realign elsewhere. #Midwest

Okay thank you for all your questions and we look forward to all your Wisconsin compliments in the comments!...


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