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Wisconsin - Living History

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Wisconsin Hate - It’s Easy to Do

Northwestern v Wisconsin
Passing Downs are a Crap Shoot at Wisconsin
Photo by Tom Lynn/Getty Images

I took my kids to a “living history” event at our local Civil War era fort.

That’s where grown men dress in period costumes and re-enact the glories of the past. They sang songs, grilled meat, wore ugly costumes...it reminded me of Wisconsin football.

Now, I know you mid-western types don’t like to come out and say it, but somebody has too. Wisconsin sucks. It’s a podunk state with a Federal Grant for drinking. (Video is NSFW for language).

How do I know? Well, it’s one of the only stadiums that requires a 0.08% blood alcohol level to attend a game.

The school, the team, its skunk mascot, and its tired-ass repetition as the champion of the B1G west are boring. That’s not just me talking. Wisconsin is a caricature of football...

Dear god...“most of the time that will be enough...” Fucking shoot me.

Watching Wisconsin play football is like filling your mouth with shredded cheddar from a bag, gulping milk, and cranking up that annoyingly shrill pipe from House of Pain’s Jump Around.

It’s gross and I don’t intend to do it again.

And really, I don’t have too. All of Wisconsin’s best football is behind them. T.J. Watt, Michael Bennett, Lee Evans, those guys were great. Emphasis on “were”...

You can picture Wisconsin football as a washed-up child actor. Coasting on past success, without acknowledging the facts of today. It’s an acne-ridden 18-year-old Macaulay Culkin grabbing his cheeks and making that Home Alone surprised face while shilling used cars.

I’m looking at you Alvarez.

But anyway...Every year we hear the same old bullshit story. Wisconsin has a great running back and a fantastic offensive line. Here’s the review from 2017, when they went 11-1...

Oh yes, I’ve had those same thoughts.

On the surface, they seem to be a good football team, as they mow their way through the La-Z-Boy division of the B1G.

Every. Fucking. Year.

They coast into the Championship game, believing their own press…and then end up confused and embarrassed at Indianapolis.

Every. Fucking. Year.

All it takes to beat Wisconsin is a competent D.C. They sell out against the run and force the juco-quality quarterback to do something other than hand off. Even against Michigan, the weakest of the B1G East teams, Wisconsin could only muster 9 of 19 for 143 yards.

Outstanding.

To Wisconsin’s credit, when it comes to B1G championships, they are more relevant than Michigan. That said, they haven’t been close to winning since 2012, despite several appearances in the Championship game.

• 2011 Wisconsin 42 – Michigan State 39

• 2012 Wisconsin 70 – Nebraska 31

• 2014 Ohio State 59 – Wisconsin 0

• 2016 Penn State 38 – Wisconsin 31

• 2017 Ohio State 27 – Wisconsin 21

Now, some folks would look at that track record and believe that Wisconsin is a good football team. But the truth is, they are the default setting for the B1G West. Wisconsin’s vaunted running game faces defenses with the consistency of wet off-brand paper towels.

“Ooh, Wisconsin’s offensive linemen are so large. Look at how they push Northwestern’s 205 pound, 4.0 gpa pre-med middle linebacker out of the play. That kid got offers from Duke, you know.”

Can we please not repeat this bullshit this year? Can somebody from the West (Iowa? Minnesota? Northwe…oh never mind). Can somebody get their shit together over there and play football?

I’ll give you a hint - sell out against the run.

I mean, let’s be honest, half the B1G west couldn’t win the MAC, let alone a division of the B1G. So, Wisconsin’s success is half-assed at best.

Sadly, there just isn’t anyone way out there in the Mid-west that can give that skunk-looking s.o.b. a challenge.

Scott Frost? How’s that recruiting going…

P.J. Fleck? Too busy getting his eye brows threaded…

Kirk Ferentz? Posing for his statue…

Pat Fitzgerald? In therapy after last year…

Jeff Brohm? Offering that 2022 quarterback...

Lovie Smith? Ha ha ha aaah ha ha ha haa

Well shit. Looks like Wisconsin reclines its way to the B1G Championship game once again.

Your Friend,

Townie

Poll

Which B1G Team Beats Wisconsin This Year?

This poll is closed

  • 9%
    Michigan
    (41 votes)
  • 11%
    Iowa
    (48 votes)
  • 4%
    Nebraska
    (21 votes)
  • 8%
    Northwestern
    (36 votes)
  • 48%
    Penn State
    (209 votes)
  • 2%
    Minnesota
    (11 votes)
  • 3%
    Purdue
    (16 votes)
  • 10%
    Illinois or Rutgers
    (45 votes)
427 votes total Vote Now