Now that you’ve covered one of the two Midwestern food groups with a delightful mayonnaise openers, it’s time to down some carbohydrates. The choices are legion, and quite frankly you’re on your own with this one. If you’re from the B1G footprint you can probably smell a starch from two miles away, and I’m not your mother (thank God on both our behalves). That said, I will make a few delightful suggestions to speed you on your way, because I’m a good person.
In order of precedence:
1. These sexy little gems...
If you haven’t fat-fisted a bag of these in the parking lot of Food Town, you haven’t lived my friend. Food Town was killed by the infinite fount of business incompetence that flows unabated from the state of Michigan, but you can still get your sticky paws on a bag of this god-given delight. Best consumed on a summer morning before football two-a-days.
2. Sexual Chocolate
This is controversial choice, because you can absolutely make the argument that these should be number one. Some of you might be thinking “ewww, I don’t like those...the chocolate is hard and waxy.” Well, I have news for you: you are weak, your people are weak, and you will not survive the winter.
3. When In Doubt, Whip This Baby Out
Your one-stop shop to get that fine Iowa physique. It’s a little known fact that the C in “Iowa S&C” is for Carnies.
While you’re getting Iowa Swole on fried bread and Redpop, let’s consider a few other delights that you shouldn’t like but absolutely do...
What Ohio State OSU player or moment, regardless of your team affiliation, brought you the most joy this century?
WSR: Maurice Clarett. That hustle strip in the Fiesta Bowl on Sean Taylor brought the biggest smile to my face, and I used it for 5 years while coaching as an example of never giving up on a play.
Dead Read: I really loved eighty-five yards through the heart of the south - not necessarily for the team that did it, but because of the team they did it to (same reasoning with the Clarett strip).
Anderson Koopershootsko: 85 yards through the heart of the South, no contest
C4B: 85 yards through the Heart of the South is the number one moment, but as a former band nerd and choreography appreciator, Script Ohio just appeals to something primal in me every time I see it. (edited)
MNW: Oh man, Candystripes came so close to the correct answer. That, of course, would be when Frank Cosenza dotted the cameraman during the Script Ohio...
The overly-intense pop-out interview, the high-five low-five bit with the drum major, the wonderful high-step to the spot, the visceral shout, then BAM!
Truly an all-time Ohio State moment.
LHGF: I enjoy watching Orlando Pace highlights from like 1996.
Boilerman31: For all my angst of the 2002 Holy Buckeye game, winning the Fiesta Bowl over Miami that year did bring a fair amount of joy and B1G pride.
The One True Answer
These are all great responses, for sure. There’s so much to love here, there really is. But the moment that truly stands out to me across lo these many years of Buckeye dominance came 13 seasons ago on a cold Ann Arbor afternoon. Trailing 21-19 in the final minute of the game, Ohio State needed a miracle to defeat the accursed and loathsome Wolverines...
This play has it all. The mobility of Troy Smith. That goofy release. Outrageous athleticism and effort by a receiver. And, of course, the sound of thousands of voices screaming out in anguish at once.
May they ride forever, shiny and chrome.