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WE NOW INTERRUPT MARYLAND WEEK

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IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS

Red Bull Cliff Diving World Series 2017
WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU IS MORE GLORIOUS
Photo by Dean Treml/Red Bull via Getty Images

WE NOW INTERRUPT MARYLAND WEEK TO BRING YOU THIS VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

THIS MAN WOULD GROW UP TO BE THE HEAD COACH OF IOWA FOOTBALL, NOT JUST FOR A COUPLE YEARS, BUT FOR ALMOST TWO DECADES

THIS MAN LOOKED SCORES OF MEDIA MEMBERS IN THE FACE TODAY AFTER TAKING A SIP OF SKIM MILK FROM A COFFEE CUP, MUMBLED SOMETHING ABOUT REPLACING JOSEY JEWELL, AND WENT INTO A PAEAN TO NEEDING BETTER PUNTING

THIS MAN HAS AN AGENT WHO HAS SECURED HIM WHAT AMOUNTS TO A LIFETIME CONTRACT AT A MAJOR STATE UNIVERSITY IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA THAT IS NOT LOCATED IN THE DEEP SOUTH

WHEN CLIMATE CHANGE ENSURES THAT IOWA CITY IS NOW “OCEANFRONT PROPERTY,” THIS MAN WILL STILL BE CLAPPING HIS HANDS, CHEWING HIS GUM, TWIRLING HIS FINGERS, SCRIBBLING IN HIS NOTEBOOK, AND TELLING YOU TO HUSTLE OFF WITH A COMPLETELY STRAIGHT FACE, COMPLETELY CONCEALING THE FACT THAT HE, THE CURRENT MOST BORING MAN IN THE WORLD, ONCE WAS COIFFURED WITH THIS BITCHIN’ ASS KENTUCKY WATERFALL THAT NO DOUBT HAD ALL THE LADIES AT UPPER ST. CLAIR SWOONING

There is no God. There is only Kirk Ferentz’s mullet.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled Maryland Week.