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Natty Boh, Old Bay, and...5-win seasons? MARYLAND 2018 RECORD PREDICTIONS

Our writers get together to chat Maryland’s 2018 record and their first cheap-and-shitty beer.

Maryland v Texas
DJ Durkin reenacting his favorite scene from Breakfast Club
Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

Now that we’ve made it through most of Maryland Week, it’s time for some ~healthy introspection and informed prediction~ rampant speculation and shitposting about how the Terps will fare in 2018.

With the questions at quarterback, a new OC, and a defense that desperately needs to improve off a mediocre showing in 2017, (our) DJ’s mentioned, DJ Durkin is not quite on the hot seat yet, but Maryland fans could be getting impatient by the end of Year Three.

The Terps have a rough schedule, though, with a neutral site date with Texas and a trip to a Bowling Green Falcons club that Bill Connelly has slated for another surge in 2018 (only -2.1 against the Terps, according to S&P+). Tossup games vs. Minnesota, at Iowa, and at Indiana should determine whether Maryland goes bowling, and not even the third non-conference game at home against Temple is a given.

Yeah, it really looks like Maryland has the potential to be #TEAMCHAOS in the East this year. Nothing but New Indiana...

So tell us, brave panel:

[1] How does Maryland finish in 2018? Provide us not only the final record for Maryland football, if you’d be so kind, but also offer us one bold on-field prediction for the Terrapins in 2018—an upset or individual performance you can see the Terps pulling off.

MNW: Maryland is going to head into the bye 2-2, and I could not tell you for the life of me which two of those games will be wins. After a 26% win probability against Texas, the Terps at 55%, 56%, 50% into the bye. They’ll lose to Texas Longhorns and drop one of the next three. I think.

From there, give me wins over Rutgers and Illinois, and flip a coin for the Indiana game. Whatever that one says will tell you whether a desperate or resigned Maryland team gets its ass kicked in Happy Valley to close out the season. That makes 4-8 or 5-7.

Heads they win, tails they lose...


WhiteSpeedReceiver: On a 4-game losing streak to finish 4-8.

They’re going to show flashes at times, but will not be able to compete with a large number of teams on their schedule. If there’s anyone they’d be likely to pull an “upset” against, I’d say Iowa. But it won’t happen because boring-ass Ferentzball will overcome any athletic advantage the turtles have.

BigRedTwice: Give me 6-6 for Maryland. I think there are five pretty winnable games on that schedule, and they’re capable of stealing another.

I would LOVE for them to beat Texas again, because that was most excellent last year. However, I think it will probably be a more mild surprise, like pantsing Iowa or something.

LincolnParkWildcat: I think Maryland will go 5-7 with one of the wins over Texas.

Boilerman31: I’m going to go with 5-7 for the Terps. Not predicting any huge upsets, although their bowl hopes likely depend on whether or not they can beat Indiana.

babaoreally: How about Maryland goes 5-7, but beats Penn State? Why not?

James Snyder: I only respond to questions about Big Ten teams, and even then, I still don’t respond.

However, I’ll bite this time and say I think Maryland wins 7.

[2] Now normally, in honor of those bold takes, we’d offer you a Mike Jones Memorial Mountain Dew Baja Blast. But it’s Maryland Week, you know, and instead we’ll ask you about a different drink of choice: the cheap local offering. We’re not talking about a craft IPA, mind you—we know how soapy controversial that can be. But rather, we know Marylanders have a weird, distinct pride in their National Bohemian.

What’s your personal “shit beer” of choice—either one that you had that sweet, sweet first sip of beer from (likely when Dad or Grandpa offered it to you and told you not to tell Mom), or one that you still show up unwelcomed with at a tailgate?

MNW: I don’t think Mich Golden Light qualifies as “shit beer” (it’s just another macro, as far as I know it), but that’s what I used to swipe from my dad as a desperate college kid.

Instead, Hamm’s (the beer refreshing!) is my Minnesota cheap-and-shitty go-to, followed closely by a 30 of Schmidt’s beer, which I drunkenly bought in Crosslake during the St. Patrick’s Day celebration that coincided with my bachelor party. They were not happy with me.

WSR: Waaaaay back in the mid 80’s when in the summer between kindergarten and 1st grade I helped at the neighbor’s farm with baling hay. I did a number of things the adults either didn’t want to or weren’t able to do: particularly climb up the side of the wagon and kick down bales that got stacked too high to just pull one out and shimmy up the elevator when a bale was about to fall off and fix it.

Anyway, when we got done one annoying kid, my dad, and a bunch of grumpy old German farmers sat around the front step before dinner, and I was given a Michelob of my own and told “If you work with the men you get to drink with the men.” Not some shit light, but a straight-up Michelob in a stubby bottle that looked a bit like a sex toy with a gold label.

I enjoyed it (probably because I didn’t know any better), and to this day I’ll still gladly take a Michelob.

BRT: I’m a 30-something woman with a 30-something woman’s metabolism--I’m not wasting my calories on shitty beer. Sorry. If I wanted to drink something that tasted awful, I’d do it in a less damaging way, like coconut water, which is also terrible.

LPW: As for cheap local beer, gimme an Old Style. There’s nothing better than sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley drinking a cold Old Style on a hot day.

baba: As for beer, let’s say Miller Lite, but if that’s not bad or cheap enough I’ll go with Milwaukee’s Best Light.

James: As for beer, I love living the High Life.

Boilerman: It’s gonna get a little dusty in here, so bear with me.

I could go with my first beer, a sip of MGD my dad let me have when I was 10 and asked what beer tasted like. I could go with my first beer that I drank in High School, a cup of Bud Light at a barn party.

But none of these compare to the first beer I had with my grandpa after turning 21. I remember coming home from college and driving up to Fort Wayne to visit with my grandparents before we went to the OTB to play the ponies. I walked in, grandpa smiled and said, “How about a beer?” He proceeds to hand me a Miller High Life. Grandpa always had a case in his fridge in the garage and I remember many times during family gatherings walking out and grabbing him one, but this was the first time I’d ever drank with him.

I still get a sixer of High Life every now and then and sip one down in his memory. Cheers, gramps.

GoForThree: This is a 5-7 team, at best. Sorry Minnesota. You’re adding to the 5 column. As for beer, I will always enjoy Rolling Rock. It’s clean, goes down easy, but doesn’t taste vaguely of rust and mildew like Bud Light. I think I like RR because that’s what my folks drank when we were kids in the early 80s. My other get-drunk-on-Saturday-afternoon beer for a long time was a brand called Utica Club, made by the FX Matt brewing company. FXM went upscale with their Saranac line, which eventually supplanted and killed Utica Club altogether. But many a summer evening on vacation in the Adirondacks saw my family enjoying a case of UC. Utica Club is perhaps best known for its adorably stereotypical anthropomorphic beer steins, Schultz and Dooley. Ah, how I long for the days when ethnic slurs made for clever ad fodder.

Cheers, Gramps. Let us know your stories and your predictions for Maryland in 2018.


How does Maryland finish in 2018?

This poll is closed

  • 4%
    3-9 or worse
    (17 votes)
  • 19%
    (79 votes)
  • 23%
    (97 votes)
  • 22%
    (90 votes)
  • 17%
    (71 votes)
  • 10%
    (41 votes)
  • 2%
    9-3 or better
    (11 votes)
406 votes total Vote Now