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MFK, pt. 2: The Guys Who Are Just There

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You know these guys. You love these guys. You gotta fire one of these guys.

TFW the tub of pee feels reallllllllly good

Welcome back! We made it through another day of the offweek-est of the offseason, and we’re another day closer to seeing Penn State learn what it’s like to lose at home to Appalachian State! Before we can get to the actual footballing, though, we need to analyze the future careers of twelve more head coaches.

Paul Chryst. Kirk Ferentz. Mark Dantonio. The three coaches combined say fewer words in an entire press conference than Jim Harbaugh does in a single opinion on the merits of poultry as a weakness-inducing food. The three men have achieved varying degrees of success: Dantonio has won a Rose Bowl, made the Playoffs, and had a bunch of good seasons. Chryst has won an Orange Bowl, a Cotton Bowl, and had no bad seasons. Ferentz was good enough, exactly twice, to get a $500M (approx.) contract.

To the casual observer, or really to anyone not gifted with my ability to travel into the future—while making sure the same matter doesn’t occupy the same space at the same time, obvs—it seems like these guys are rock-solid locks to stay at their schools until they die. I know differently.

EVERYONE knows the same matter can’t occupy the same space at the same time!

Question 2: The Guys Who Are Just There

Four years from now, one of Mark Dantonio, Kirk Ferentz, and Paul Chryst will have been fired, one will have moved on, and one will have been kept. Which is which?

MNW: Rather than answer this question, I am going to eat a baloney on Wonder Bread sandwich. (lghf note: cmon man)

LGHF: Chryst super stable, because the division he coaches against is so remarkably mediocre that he putz around and win the division yearly or at least 80% of the time and play in the Big Ten title game. He’s there still. Ferentz moves on; you can’t fire The Contract, you just wait for him to get old or bored. Mark fired, but in a gritty respectful, scowly way.

Boilerman31: Now we’re getting into the good stuff. Ferentz will have another buyout extension, so he’s staying put. I have to think Dantonio moves on to the greener pastures of either the NFL or Missouri State. Which means Barry tires of Chryst making it to the B1G Title game only to lose (kind of like Rose Bowls, amirite?) and takes over for the bowl game yet again.

WSR: This one is actually pretty easy. Mobutu Sese Ferentz is President of the Democratic Republic of Iowa City for life. And Mark Dantonio seems like the most likely to get fired, even though it’ll be in the process of cleaning up East Lansing and he’ll go out with yet another win over Michigan. That leaves Paul Chryst moving on, and it’s pretty obvious when you think about it. Within 4 years he’ll talk to Bret Bielema and Gary Andersen about what they think about being able to talk when Barry Alvarez is getting a drink of water and what it’s like to live without a greasy hand up his ass, and he’ll decide that it is right to move on. And just like his coach, Don Morton, he’ll just take a job nearby. Within days of leaving the badgers, he’ll join the long-since fired and well-established Greg Gard at the third largest State Farm agency in the greater madison metropolitan area and they’ll set out on their dream of catching the top 2. But it’ll never happen. There’s just no way to catch a State Farm agency that employs every badger running back from Carl McCullough forward once they get done stealing money from NFL teams for one contract or the impeccable talent that Alajandra Bustamante assembled at her agency. So much like Jim Harbaugh looking at the B1G East standings after December, it’s going to be third at best. But when he lays his head down on his pillow at night, Paul Chryst will be happy because deep down he knows that he’s not a winner and he doesn’t want the pressure of trying to be one. And, like the rest of us, he’s jealous of Scott Frost’s dreamy smile so he had to run away.

MNW: Fine, I’ll bite. Dantonio’s fired because Reasons. Ferentz realizes that Crown Prince Brian is “ready,” and nothing ever goes wrong when a Prince ascends to the throne to replace a long-time legend. That means Chryst stays.

DR: Dantonio falls because of some sort of scandal in the MSU athletic department - not necessarily because it was the coach’s fault, but because the overall toxic environment requires a house cleaning. Ferentz “moves on” by retiring and primogeniture takes effect. Schrodinger’s Ferentz? Is it possible that Ferentz has already retired? Mike Riley probably says no. Hawkeye fans may wonder if they are already living a lie. Chryst stays. Why would he leave? He has a pipeline of large people and a process to develop them. He gets to be chief lummox for life.

LPW: I see Dantonio getting fired after losing control of the program and other skeletons falling out. Brian Ferentz takes over after his father retires, and no one really notices or cares. Paul Chryst is still coaching in Madison.

JWS: I don’t appreciate your trick question. All of the above will still be just there.

Stew: Dantonio fired, Chryst still, Ferentz moved on to retirement

Creighton: All the correct responses have been taken. I guess that’s what I get for being last to respond. Here we go: Sparty gonna Spart, so Dantonio is obviously losing his job in the most unpleasant way possible. Captain Kirk will step down at some point and let Ferentz the Younger take over (this is what we’re all assuming, right?) Finally, Paul Chryst will be stuck in Madison for another 10 years as punishment for something he did in a previous life.

Poll

Why is one of these coaches getting fired?

This poll is closed

  • 24%
    Too many muskrats
    (70 votes)
  • 15%
    School foregoes athletics in pursuit of academic purity
    (43 votes)
  • 60%
    Loses to Rutgers
    (170 votes)
283 votes total Vote Now