Everyone knows that the Proclaimers song I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) is a beautiful, catchy tune about the lengths two gentlemen would travel to be with their loves, be good people, and to be the men who wake up next to you. What this potluck presupposes is, maybe it isn’t?

Earlier this season, former Wisconsin basketball (I know I know, it’s football week but just stay with me) great Bronson Koenig posted an article about how “white culture” isn’t a thing, to which other former Wisconsin basketball great Sam Dekker responded by complaining about the untruths in BK’s article and declaring that he’s proud to be white/proud of who he is. Pretty normal Twitter stuff, honestly. (NOTE: Earlier today I promised a story about Dekker challenging someone to a fight. I got the facts of the story wrong so I won’t be providing that #content. Consider yourself clickbaited.)

Shortly thereafter, as you’d expect, someone Tweeted “Sam DeKKKer,” to which another rando on Twitter got super, duper mad. It led to this hilarity:

In case you’re having a little trouble following, our hero Matt is offering to buy a plane ticket for our other hero sreekar so the two can fight somewhere in beautiful Southern California. As this Deadspin article details, Matt did indeed book a flight for this other guy who, I presume, because he’s not totally insane, did not make the flight. To circle back to the opening paragraph, clearly Matt and sreekar prove that the Proclaimers were actually declaring how far they’d travel to fight another man they didn’t like from Twitter.

All in all, the story is a bit embarrassing for all involved, including Dekker, which got me thinking: How can I deflect any negativity Dekker’s actions might bring on Wisconsin from the OTE commentariat? This is how:

2018 Wisconsin Potluck Question 1

How much money would you need to have before you started buying people plane tickets so you could fight them? First class or coach? Where would you fly them to fight you?

Andrew (W)K: Less wealthy than I am right now. Come @ me and let’s get this started bruh, the lady friend is Platinum status with Delta and I just got paid.

If anybody’s looking to throw hands, I’ll spring for Spirit right now. Come at me in River Rouge, which I imagine to be the metro Detroit equivalent of Temecula

GF3: I’d want a solid million so just the annual interest could fund the buying of tickets in perpetuity. Of course I’m buying coach on Southwest and checking you in late as hell so you get boarding spot C36 and have to gate check your crummy wheeled carry-on. And I’m flying you to Boston, connecting through BNA and BWI. Because you deserve the worst, and the oldest 737 in the fleet flies that leg. Enjoy the brown vinyl seats.

MNW: I assume you’re either an Iowa fan or a mouth breather from the Green Bay area, so I’ll be generous and spring for AirChoice One. Nice little prop plane, 20-seater, first-class treatment.

Of course, that means that first you’ll have to drive to Mason City, IA, or Ironwood, MI, to fly to the Cities. And, seeing as how you’re an Iowa or wisconsin fan, you’ll likely have to buy an extra ticket for the stack of weights they’ll have to put on a seat on the opposite side of the plane, you massive tub of shit.

From there, you’ll have to hop to a Boutique Air flight to Thief River Falls (the only route Boutique runs in the Upper Midwest). I’ll be waiting for you there.

Probably. Or you’ll have to have a nice dinner at Sundance and hope the locals can put you up til the next flight leaves 2 days later. And don’t kill you.

Boilerman: I’m going to guess you’re a moran that cheers for IU basketball and (Fuck) Notre Dame football. I’m also guessing you’re living somewhere near Indianapolis, let’s call it Greenfield, maybe Columbus. Either way I’m making you drive to IND, just so you can enjoy the death trap that is I-465. You’re also booked for an evening flight to ensure you hit that bad boy as close to rush hour as possible.

Now, since you’re flying to FWA, you’re probably wondering why I’m not making you drive your ‘98 Dodge Neon up I-69. Because your ignorant ass gets to fly United Express through ORD. Why Chicago? Because it maximizes your angst as your late evening flight will likely be delayed or cancelled.

Assuming you don’t get your head kicked in when they ask for volunteers to be bumped from the flight, you’ll be booked in the nastiest flea-infested shithole the east side of Fort Wayne can offer. Enjoy the bedbugs, jackwad.

WSR: Violence isn’t the answer. There’s absolutely no reason for rational, reasonable adults to throw hands. (ed. note: TrumpSayingWrong.jif)

Also: 6 figures would be more than enough for a few people that I’ve got receipts for. They’re going to get seats right in the front of peppiest, most over-caffeinated, infurating Spirit airlines flight to MSP, and then they’ll get a biplane trip to Falls International Airport in International Falls for our appointment there, which will be conveniently scheduled for the first week of February.

Stew: I’m not sure I have a specific number in my head, but it would have to be enough for at least 3 generations to never have to worry about money. Guessing around 9 figures.

I would buy them first class tickets, but also make sure it would be on regional, prop planes. They’d be puddle jumping from tiny airport to tiny airport, until they conveniently got stuck somewhere like Beloit, wi. Wait scratch that, in this scenario the person I’m fighting is probably from Janesville, so let’s say they end up getting stuck in Rockford, IL.

Aaron Y: Why am I paying someone to come fight me? I can’t think of anyone that I’d be able to win against, so if I’m fighting someone, it’s going to need to be like the MACrifice deal in which the loser gets paid off. I will gladly except $10,000 in cash to fly to Wisconsin and throw down in a steel cage. It’s not going to last very long, though.

Thump: Well, if I cut out all the beer and liquor money, that might save me enough that I could start doing this instead for recreation.

And I’d book first class with a limo waiting to take them to a nice little spot about an hour and a half west of Detroit.

And I’d be the first to welcome them to Hell.

BRT: This is a Good Potluck Question (ed. note: I agree!)