Look at him.

AP

Just look at him. Is there anyone in the conference in more need of a Super Soaker to the face (from up to 50 feet away!) than this guy? The answer is yes—the other two coaches in today’s carousel of B1G 2022.

Urban Meyer has had a lot of success at Ohio State. James Franklin learned from Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss and jump balled his way to a conference championship. Pat Fitzgerald has had a lot of “success” at Northwestern, so long as you define that word with a thousand qualifiers. All three are men and all three can probably stay at their schools as long as they want.

BUT THAT’S NOT HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED, IS IT, OTE?

Today’s task is very difficult. How difficult? Jean Claude Van Damme in Timecop jumping into the splits to avoid getting electrocuted in his kitchen-level difficult.

I’ve just returned from 2022, and the above three coaches’s fortunes have diverged wildly. How wildly?

Question 3: I Hope You All Get Canned

Four years from now, one of James Franklin, Urban Meyer, and Pat Fitzgerald will have been fired, one will have moved on, and one will have been kept. Which is which?

MNW: Fitz is dying in this role, so he’s staying. That one’s easy. A month ago I would’ve said Urbz moves on and Franklin gets canned, but...then this Zach Smith stuff happened. And that makes it a lot more difficult.

That said, Ohio State still wouldn’t just move on from Meyer willy-nilly unless there was (1) cause, or (2) multiple--like 3--seasons with 3+ losses. I don’t see that happening, so I guess Meyer’s going to “retire” and Franklin’s going to get fired for...failing to make Urbz acknowledge that it’s a rivalry? Or for losing to Maryland in the “rivalry” game a couple times and finishing with a couple 4-loss seasons.

This was awful and I resent you, beez.

Boilerman31: The Zach Smith situation does complicate things, but I think Urban keeps winning and the Buckeye faithful forget about it, so he stays but I think he hangs it up when the pressure to keep winning catches up to him or he takes his shot at the NFL. Fitz seems to be cruising at Northwestern and is Northwestern guy, so I don’t think he goes anywhere. That leave Franklin to go down in a blaze of glory.

WSR: Urban will need to step away for “health reasons” (read: he needs to be reprogrammed) again after he suffers a horrible tragedy and somehow loses to Michigan (HA! I know, I know. But it could happen.) and somehow avoids committing seppuku over the tragedy. And that leaves COACH HYPE to find out that the world is a dark and cold place when he’s not getting bailed out by Joe Moorhead and a Rutgers recruiting fiasco.

LPW: I see Fitz retiring once his youngest son graduates Northwestern, which won’t happen for what, 10-13 years? Maybe he’ll reconsider, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Urban Meyer will still be around,, and Franklin might, just might get fired.

DR: Fitz is at NW until sometime in the 2030’s. Urbz hangs it up after another natty because it is just getting ridiculous at this point. Franklin moves on because his act gets old. This is easy.

JWS: I don’t agree this is easy. I could see all of them staying for decades. Fitz is the most likely to be “Coach for life”. He is good and the expectations will likely never reach a fever pitch that he can’t reach. Franklin is a bit like Fleck, in that if he keeps succeeding, I believe he’ll move on. If he tanks, he’ll be fired. Meyer isn’t going to be fired, nor do I think he is ever going to jump to the NFL. I’ll just revert to my troll nature, and say Fitz stays, Franklin is fired because he keeps losing, and Meyer takes his talents to Tuscaloosa, because he has a better chance to win a Natty there.

BRT: I agree with my colleagues that Fitz is most likely to stay as long as he likes. He’s a solid coach, gets the culture, and enjoys pretty moderate/realistic expectations. I think he’s also the least likely of these three to get busted doing something super shady, which brings me to… firing. Let’s go with BOTH Meyer and Franklin getting busted or almost busted for shadiness--but Franklin gets fired for it, and Meyer “moves on” Pete Carrol-style in the nick of time.

Stew: I think this one is fairly obvious:

Move on: Meyer

Fire: Franklin

Keep: Fat Pitzpatrick