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MFK, pt. 4: Teams Wisconsin Never Loses To

I’d knock on wood, but I ain’t scurrrrred

I’m a Wisconsin fan, I’m one of the Wisconsin “writers,” and I need to remind you all of good Wisconsin things from time to time. Also, I’m sorta out of ideas for the intros for this long-running OTE game/feature, and bragging about my favorite football school beating other schools is an easy way to fill up space.

Wisconsin hasn’t lost to Illinois in football since 2007 (8 wins in a row) and has only lost to Illinois three times since 1993(!!). Wisconsin hasn’t lost to Purdue since 2003 (12 in a row) and has only lost to the Boilermakers four times since 1992(!!!). Against Indiana? Wisconsin hasn’t lost to Indiana since 2002 (10 in a row), has only lost twice since 1993 (!!!!!), and has scored forty or more points against Indiana eleven times in that same time frame. (By the by, Wisconsin won a game 59-0 in 1999 which...I guess OSU paid that back).

So all three of these schools have shockingly atrocious recent history against Wisconsin, only performing better than Minnesota over that time frame. What else do they have in common? They also all have head coaches who may or may not be there in four years.

Here’s a jif from Timecop that’s basically a dramatic reenactment of Wisconsin vs. these three teams over the last 25 years:

Question 4: Teams Wisconsin Never Loses To

Four years from now, one of Lovie Smith, Jeff Brohm, and Tom Allen will have been fired, one will have moved on, and one will have been kept. Which is which?

MNW: Lovie’s getting fired. Like, within a year or two. Right? There’s just no way. After that, I low-key think Indiana might just settle for a coach that gets them to 6 wins most years (and I think with his players and even a moderately forgiving crossover, Allen could be there). So keep Tom Allen. That means say hello to the next Notre Dame football coach, Jeff Brohm.

Oh God.

Boilerman31: Lovie’s gotta go. He’s producing Hazell-esque type results at Illinois and that’s saying something, even in Cham-bana. I’m going to go homersota on this one and say that Brohm stays in West Lafayette for the long haul (MNW, you misspelled Louisville, Fuck Notre Dame). That leaves Tom Allen to ride off for the greener pastures of Ball State or maybe even Rose Hulmann.

WSR: Lovie’s gone. Like “already met with a tax advisor on how to deal with the financial implications of getting a buyout” levels of gone. And Jeff Brohm is gone. Like “Bobby Petrino rides off into the sunset on a motorcycle with Papa John” levels of gone. And Tom Allen? Well he’s the football coach of Indiana. Nobody at the school’s administration will even know he’s there. He’s like Milton in Office Space, and the only way he leaves is if they correct the error that’s allowing him to keep receiving a paycheck.

LPW: Lovie’s gonna get fired and retire. He’s had a good career and Illinois is a good place to collect buyout money. Tom Allen will probably still be there, because it’s Indiana, WSR’s Milton analogy is apt. I see Brohm coaching at ND. He’ll be the latest coach to fail there. I like seeing ND as the graveyard of coaches.

DR: Let’s be real, none of these guys are going to be in these jobs in five years. But to play along, Lovie retires because he is just too old for this shit (I love Lovie). Brohm gets a better job in the next three years. The guy from Indiana stays because where’s he gonna go? Who they gonna get? Also, who is he? He is definitely one of the dudes I couldn’t recognize in the media day picture.

JWS: Tubby is fired, the jury is still out on Brohm, and who is Tom Allen? I didn’t realize I was competing in a marathon.

BRT: Lovie is fired, and spends his retirement growing a sharp-looking beard and collecting nice suits and being glad he doesn’t have to coach at Illinois anymore. I suppose Brohm moves on, because it seems like he knows something about coaching, and I’m not confident in Purdue’s ability to do what it takes to keep his interest. So I guess Tom Allen stays at Indiana. Lucky him.

Thumpasaurus: The thing about Lovie being fired by 2022 is that if all goes well, 2019 will have been the Unusually Good Illinois Season (8 wins or so), which means 2020 will be a 5-7 season and 2021 will be a 2-10 season after which we should fire him but won’t. In other words, if Lovie isn’t fired by 2020, he simply never will be.

Jeff Brohm leaves to be the QB coach at Ohio State and Tom Allen remains at Indiana.

AY: Lovie is sticking around because even though his rebuild is taking very small baby steps, it’s hard to imagine Illinois landing a bigger name. Jeff Brohm could be gone for greener pastures after this year if he makes another bowl game, and Tom Allen will get fired in a couple years when he become yet another guy who can’t get Indiana over the hump.

Andrew K: Oh man...are any of these guys still there in 4 years? I’ll go with Tom Allen kept, Lovie fired, Brohm moved on.

Stew: Nah, I think the IL AD knows enough. I think Lovie is kept. Brohm is the easy move on. And I think Allen is fired. I think he’s out of his league as a head coach, he hired the wrong OC, and I don’t see a path for him to make a bowl the next few years.

Townie: Lovie Smith looks like he’s retired already. His deal was $21 million for six years, but it’s back loaded. He gets $10 million for his last two years at Illinois. Buckle up baby, Lovie’ll be there for the long haul.

I had to look up Tom Allen. He’s just the next face on the Indiana coaching carousel. I don’t know him. You don’t know him. Color me unimpressed. He gone.

Jeff Brohm made huge changes in West Lafayette. He came in and won games with someone else’s kids. He’s recruiting well. I expect him to be tapped for a bigger, better coaching job in the next three years.

Creighton: Lovie is overseeing one of the largest rebuilding projects imaginable (Illinois was light years away from 6-6 when he took over) and he should honestly be given like five years, but nah he’s the first one to be fired for sure. Brohm is a year away from coaching Notre Dame. Tom Allen, much like Indiana, is just sort of...there.


Despite the overwhelming dominance Wisconsin has shown against these three teams recently, can you believe Minnesota is somehow even WORSE?

This poll is closed

  • 55%
    Lol Minnesota
    (174 votes)
  • 10%
    Geez. I feel sorta bad for Minnesota
    (32 votes)
  • 8%
    (nerd voice) Well arguably, Minnesota’s woes, while impressive, only go back until the early 2000’s blah blah blah...
    (26 votes)
  • 25%
    Shut up, nerd.
    (79 votes)
311 votes total Vote Now