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Ranking The Last 5 Ohio State Coaches

We’ll use the water heater scale.

NCAA Football: Rutgers at Ohio State Greg Bartram-USA TODAY Sports

First, a disclaimer. When I say we are going to rank the last 5 head coaches, I need to mention we will not be putting Luke Fickell on that list, simply because he was an interim coach, and doesn’t fit the particular narrative I am going for. I liked Fickell as a coach, and even went to middle school with him. Growing up on the north side of Columbus and in Westerville, we know a lot of the same people. Heck, my old roommate in the 90s was his position coach in high school. If you are curious where I would put him on some sort of list, I would say data incomplete. I would have loved for OSU to keep him to find out just how good he could have become.

Second, what is the water heater scale, you may ask? A little over a decade ago, I bought a house with a piece of junk water heater, from a company known for producing lemons. After rigging it time and again, I decided to call an honest to goodness repair man, and he said his last two companies wouldn’t work on this particular brand, and I would just be wasting my money. I asked him how much the install would be if I bought my own water heater, and he said 400 bucks. I thanked him for his time and decided to install my own. As I finished up, I checked for a gas leak with a lighter, like all sane people. Then I had an epiphany. We tend to root for people that are either like us, or a model of who we would like to be. I decided to apply this “water heater” method to Ohio State coaches.

#5 Urban Meyer

Sure, he won a championship and finished another season undefeated. Sure, he has won his games at a ridiculous percentage. He comes in at number 5 on my list because if his water heater went out, he would do a bunch of research. He would check out Yelp reviews. He would ask around. He would use his own knowledge and try to make the best decision. His “instincts” or “politics” might lead him down the wrong path, but it certainly wouldn’t be for lack of effort.

#4 Jim Tressel

Jim is a football coach. His dad was a football coach. He knows football coaching. He doesn’t know water heaters. His water heater goes out, he pulls out the yellow pages and finds a company. He might contact the Better Business Bureau, if they are still around. Then he ponies up the cash and has his water heater fixed right, for a nice little hunk of change, but well within his budget.

#3 John Cooper

While we had a rocky start to our relationship (never thought Bruce should have been fired) and he sucked against Michigan, I have grown to love Coop. Coop knows a guy. He’ll trade a few favors, call the local crack head, and get a water heater installed for a fraction of the cost. Sure, it wont be perfect, but for moments, it will look brilliant, especially for what he paid.

#2 Earle Bruce

Earle Bruce is me, at least with regards to water heaters. He is going to man up, strap that fucker on his back, and lug it down the basement steps. (I did use a dolly, but he wouldn’t have). Power tools? Hell no, he is going to use a hack saw. When it is all said and done, his family is going to have hot water. Did it take too long, and would his time have been better spent elsewhere? Who knows, he was a man, and he did man things.

#1 Woody Hayes

Woody enjoyed cold showers.

This thread could be fun. Rank your team’s coaches and/or give the scale with which you rank them. Wins and losses are great, but they aren’t the only thing.