clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

MFK, pt. 5: Basically Conference Teams Anyway

All Good Things Must Come To An End

Oh no, it’s over?

Congratulations team! You’ve made it to the winner-take-all championship of 2018’s most interesting B1G-coach-related...thing.

No fancy introduction today. The only thing I want to make clear before we get to the question is that today’s theme, “Basically Conference Teams Anyway,” is a dig on Maryland and Rutgers for not being real B1G teams. In addition, a backup slam is available because now Maryland and Rutgers have to be thought of as the same level of “actually in the B1G” as today’s third team: Notre Dame.

Oh are you mad, Rutgers and Maryland? You had to know this was coming. You can run away all you want and pretend you’re “too good” to be equated with Notre Dame and act all tough and cool about how you don’t need the rest of the B1G anyway:

But the rest of us know how much this stings, and we know your actual reaction:

Weird cry face, Maryland and Rutgers. Super weird.

Question 5: Basically Conference Teams Anyway

Four years from now, one of Brian Kelly, DJ Durkin, and Chris Ash will have been fired, one will have moved on, and one will have been kept. Which is which?

MNW: Speaking of! After a couple 7-5 seasons Durkin moves on up to Michigan after they fire Harbaugh (not really, but maybe he moves to like, Tennessee or something?). Ash has gotten Rutgers to a couple bowl games over the next four years (I don’t know--it’s late and I just want this exercise to be over), so that means after a couple 8-4 seasons, Brian Kelly gets vaulted in a scissor lift and brutally tossed from South Bend.

Or some other metaphor for being fired. That one just came to mind for some reason.

DR: Again, all of these dudes will be gone in five years. To play along, though, Kelly will be fired - preferably from a cannon. Ash will move on to be a coordinator somewhere. Durkin endures...somehow. Under Armour moves in mysterious ways.

Boilerman31: Which scenario causes the most pain for the Reversible Jackets. We’ll go with that one.

WSR: They’re all getting fired by January 1st, 2020. All of them. If Brohm’s not at Louisville, he may just move in-state, and Rutgers and Maryland will overcorrect their last attempt at bringing in a young, up-and-comer by hiring somebody with previous coaching experience. It’ll backfire and the circle shall be unbroken.

LPW: Durkin will be fired because the Under Armour brass is getting restless at UMD being a mid-tier team, or better yet, just under mid-tier. Chris Ash will be a linebackers coach at a Division 2 school in a small town in the middle of nowhere, or maybe even a volunteer coach on a peewee team. Brian Kelly will be fired for more football player behavior coverups, immigrate to Ireland and become the red-faced angry old man yelling at poor form in rugby matches on TV in a local pub.

JWS: ::unclips mic from golf shirt and walks out::

BRT: Kelly will get fired, loudly. A thing I remind myself a lot lately is that no tyrant stands forever, and Kelly will fall. It’ll be fun to watch, as it always is on the occasions when petulant, angry, middle-aged men get their comeuppance. But first, he’ll actually blow a vein on TV. Durkin will do well enough to move on to someplace with less eye-searing aesthetics, and Ash will stay, because what the hell else is Rutgers going to do?

AY: Brian Kelly’s going to get fired because former Penn State commit Brandon Wimbush can’t throw the darn ball. D.J. Durkin is recruiting pretty well and appears to be building something competitive, so he sticks around. That leaves Chris Ash as the man leaving on his own, but we haven’t seen much out of him yet. I think I’ll change my mind and say Durkin has a lot of success with shockingly healthy quarterbacks and leaves to become the new Michigan coach once Harbaugh wears out his welcome. Then Ash can stick around Rutgers in perpetuity while saving his job with an eight-win season every now and again.


Next time I do a multi-part series, which classic action movie jifs should I use?

This poll is closed

  • 5%
    Passenger 57
    (13 votes)
  • 10%
    (22 votes)
  • 35%
    Demolition Man
    (77 votes)
  • 48%
    Total Recall (the original)
    (107 votes)
219 votes total Vote Now