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It Sucks to be Bee (One Gee!)

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A musical tribute to our no-good, very bad conference.

Troy v Nebraska Photo by Steven Branscombe/Getty Images

On Saturday, as various Big Ten teams were melting down in sundry embarrassing fashions, Thumpasaurus and I got on a little tangent about Broadway shows. (Why is not important.) One of the shows we discussed was Avenue Q, a musical about why becoming an adult is difficult and sucks a lot—basically, a few hours of Millennial lament, but made before Millennials became the institutional-death-imposing cultural force they are now.

One of the great songs of the show is “It Sucks To Be Me,” wherein various characters, including Gary Coleman, attempt to one-up each other about the patheticness of their existence (Gary Coleman wins).

Like so:

Rod: We live together

Nicky: We’re close as people can get

Rod: We’ve been the best of buddies

Nicky: Ever since the day we met

Rod: So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset! Oh, every day is an aggravation...

Nicky: Come on, that’s an exaggeration!

Rod: You leave your clothes out, you put your feet on my chair

Nicky: Oh yeah? You do such anal things like ironing your underwear!

Rod: You make that very small apartment we share... a HELL!

Nicky: So do you! That’s why I’m in hell too!

It sucks to be them, basically.

As we all saw, it sucked to be the Big Ten on Saturday due to various embarrassments and pitfalls. But who had it the worst? Well, let’s see.

Maryland:

Back in Week One

I thought we could be

A contender in the East

Or at least number three

But now I’ve lost to Temple

And as you can see...

I’m crap.

[Yup]

Oh well.

It sucks to be me!

Illinois:

I came into this game with expectations so low

I figured we would look confused, inept, and slow

But when in the fourth quarter we still had a lead

I did something stupid and started to believe!

[Oh]

But the old rule they say is still very true

Nice things are not in store for the orange and the blue...

It sucks to be me!

Nebraska:

Your problems aren’t so bad!

I’m kinda pretty,

And hired Scott Frost!

[Wow!]

A Golden Boy, of great pedigree!

I never dreamed that

We would soon beeeeeee....

Oh and Three!

[No way!]

Yessiree!

[That’s bad!]

Mmmmhmmm.

We lost a game at home to something called Troy!

It’s true they’re FBS but still, boy oh boy!

It sucks to be me!

It sucks to be bad and to have a QB with a banged-up knee

It sucks to be me.

Wisconsin:

You think that’s bad?

You have not been relevant

Since like 1983.

[Ha!]

Meanwhile in Madison

We’ve ruled with superiority!

And last year when we played the Mormons

We won 100 to 3!

[Sure.]

Who knew our hubris could cause

A fall so hard?

Or that our lefty QB

Can only scramble for like a yard?

[Hmmm.]

It sucks to be me!

It sucks to be me.

Northwestern:

I am renowned for my stunning intellect

And on the football field

For winning with the football players we can get!

[Academic restrictions, you see]

We keep folks guessing

If Patty Fitz Gee

is a genius...

[Ok]

...or a moran.

[Maybe]

I know which way my vote goes

After all that we saw!

Akron beating a Big Ten team

For the first time since Queen Victoria!

[Ouch]

It sucketh to be me!

Purdue:

At least you’re used to

Expectations whiplash!

We went from punchline

To “success” in a flash!

But now we’re oh-and-three

And somehow it seems...

Each loss is a little dumber

Than the one that came before it!

[Penalty!]

Shut up.

[Penalty!]

It sucks to be me!

All:

Is there anybody here it doesn’t suck to be?

It sucks to be me!

Wisconsin:

Yo Rutgers!

Rutgers:

I’m comin’, I’m comin’!

Purdue:

Oh my god!

It’s RUTGERS!!!

Rutgers:

Yes I am!

My name is Rutgers,

New Jersey’s State Uni!

I used to be in the Big East

Until I conned Delany with some stuff about NYC!

[Sigh]

I made a lot of money

That is clearly not going to sports.

Now I’m broke

And I’m the butt

Of everyone’s jokes!

Woe is I.

[Yup]

Woe is you.

[Yup]

It sucks to be me!

Nebraska:

You know we don’t hate you because you’re broke, right?

Rutgers:

You guys don’t?

Maryland:

No man. We hate you because... how’d your game go yesterday?

Rutgers:

....Oh. That.

I scheduled Kansas

Thinking conservatively.

They’re REALLY awful

Which is pretty good for me!

I figured that I’d notch an easy

W for free!

[Hmmmm.]

I didn’t.

[Nope.]

Oh well.

[....]

Instead I lost by a dozen times three!

[Plus.]

Every day is an abomination.

No that is no exaggeration!

All:

It sucks to be you!

Illinois:

You win!

All:

It sucks to be you!

Purdue:

I feel better now!

All:

It sucks to be meeeeeee!

Here in the Bee-One-Geeeee!

It sucks to be meeeeee!

Here in the Bee-One-Geeeee!

But not when we’re together!

We’re together!

Here in the Bee-One-Geeee!

We live in the Bee-One-Geeee!

All our friends do too!

[And also a school named RU]

Til’ our dreams come true

We will all play like poo.

[Mmmhmm!]

Weeeee aaaaaall play like poo.

Welcome—at least we’re effing over OSU!