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Where We Be, What We Be Drinking: Week 4

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Our weekly tour around the country to see how our “writers” will be enjoying football season

Good day fellow sportball fans, and welcome to another edition of WWBWWBD, where the OTE editorial staff showers you with tales of exquisitely smoked meats and deliciously crafted fine ales, all while glossing over the tears, vomiting, fisticuffs, and other unpleasantries.

Last week was....let’s go with “interesting”. Most of your teams lost horribly [smugly ignoring the fact that Iowa played an FCS team] while mine flourished and grew. The good news is that only rutger (100% certain) and Purdue (50/50) are going to lose to another conference this week. The bad news is that a lot of you have already tricked yourself into thinking Iowa vs Wisconsin will be a good game.

Let’s go around the country and see what everyone is doing tomorrow:

I’m going to head to a brewery tomorrow morning to watch some soccer and football. The Alewerks Pumpkin Ale I have will go well with some delicious ribeyes I’m grilling for dinner in order to disrespect the false idol my beloved Hawkeyes will be trying to win back.

Would you like to know the RIGHT way to do a fall wedding? Do it on a weekend where all the people you care about (except Gopher fans) are on bye! A badger is marrying an agnostic (ain’t that the way it always goes) in Lake Elmo. You bet your ass I’ll be there, giving zero shits about Big Ten football and its various vicissitudes, which are really just anal fissures at this point, except a cream and a fiber-heavy diet ain’t curing Rutgers.

As for beer? We’ll have a little Glenfiddich in a flask because I’m gonna try being classy for a change. I believe Mich Golden Light and something from Lift Bridge will be hosted by the wonderful bride and groom (who will also be sneaking Spotted Cow in, but this is your reminder that Spotted Cow is trash), so I’ll sneak a nip here and there, dance the night away, and try not to embarrass my wife too much.

I will succeed at two of those three things.

Candystripes For Breakfast
During the unimportant games (read: everyone else with noon kickoffs), I’ll be at work, blissfully ignoring whatever else may be going on in the country. Come Old Brass Spittoon time, I’ll be at home in my favorite chair with Vanilla Coke in easy reach.

Andrew Krszwsky
I will once again be home in Detroit to take in what will either be a very reassuring game or very much not that. In a sense last week’s results kind of take the stress out of this season because best case scenario is MSU is playing for bronze in the east, so I don’t think I’ll need booze for this one. I don’t THINK.

Northwestern is off, so I’ll be at home enjoying a few daisy cutters.

It’s Homecoming Weekend at the school of my employment, which means I might choose to score some free food and small-college afternoon football rather than watching the likely-to-be-rather-bad thing that will be going down in Ann Arbor (and the weather is looking amazing for not being in front of a TV). However... since the Husker game is an early game, I’ll probably be lucky enough to catch some of the action in spite of my best efforts, and have plenty of time to lament that we did not play a real tune-up game against UNI or something.

It’s Homecoming at Purdue, which means I’ll be at my home drinking a Founders Dirty Bastard and waiting to see in which heartbreaking fashion Purdue chooses to lose this weekend.

I’ll be in beautiful Ann Arbor this weekend to watch Michigan battle Nebraska in the Big Ten opener for both teams. I’m not sure whether this game will say more about Michigan or Nebraska, but I’m looking forward to see how the Wolverines handle the Cornhuskers … or vice versa.

I’m out of Florida and in Sin City this week. I’ll be drinking at the rooftop Foundation Room bar in the Mandalay Bay hotel. And since my team plays friday, I will probably sleep through your games, as a proper OTE “writer”.

I’ll be at the Maryland game, eating some delicious smoked ribs and wings while consuming some breakfast beverages before watching the shitshow that will be MD-Minnesota. I have absolutely no idea what to expect and that’s terrifying and exciting at the same time. I have some prime tickets in the front row of the middle deck on the away side 35-40 closest to the fieldhouse, so I’ll be watching intently to see how Maryland responds after last weeks disaster.

Jesse Collins
I fly back home incredibly late Friday night and will probably just be waking... Lol I have a two year old. I’ll just be sleepily watching Nebraska and eating more breakfast tacos because again... because Breakfast Tacos are the best.

I’ll be at home drinking Revolution Oktoberfests. After the rock fight that is Minnesota-Maryland, I will be eating as many oysters as I can during Oyster Fest at Chief O’Neill’s in Avondale.

Dead Read
I will be luxuriating in lovely downtown Lincoln. There will be enchiladas. I will get the Michigan game out of the way early so I can enjoy the rest of the day.

I will be spending the day hiding in my basement and watching college football while we host a birthday party for my youngest. It’s not really “hiding” as much as watching football with anyone else who wants to watch. And the drinking will be a minimal amount of Grain Belt coupled with some Cherry Coke Zero.

I’ll be in Troy pretending I like college football but not getting upset about any Saturday games thanks to Delany Magic. I’m probably gonna sip a lil Buffalo Trace to stave off that existential dread, but that will probably only amplify it. I’m feelin’ weird man.

Troy sounds hot.

I will be in lovely Iowa City, tailgating all day for the latest kick-off in Kinnick history. I’ll have my smoker with a brisket and I think DJ inspired me to smoke some wings, too. I will be drinking delicious local brews. Maybe I’ll try my hand at smoked macaroni and cheese with bacon.

I actually don't know if I can bear to watch this game. Unsure if I'll be hanging with the Rutgers club in Snata Monica, but maybe I should as it would be my last chance to possibly see Rutgers win this season.... oy

That’s it for us, but what about the rest of you sports-obsessed degenerates? Are you traveling through a giant magical labyrinth to try and save Chris Ash’s job while the ghost of David Bowie opposes you at every turn? Are you hanging out with MNW after the bride’s mother kicks him out of the reception for watching football on his phone during the toasts? Let us know in the comments!