Rutgers’ B1G Rivalries, According to...Rutgers

A couple days ago, LPW misunderstood a bit we were doing in Slack (it wasn’t funny to begin with) by challenging Ray Ransom to name Rutgers’ Big Ten rivals. So Ray did. Below is an artist’s representation of Ray’s arrival, and Ray’s actual commentary. Enjoy. —MNW

Penn State Nittany Lions

The ultimate unidirectional rivalry. We hate them.

HATE them.

There’s one important game every year and it’s Penn State. Beat those guys and its a successful year, even if its the one win.

The vitriol is bidirectional, but the results are totally lopsided, thus increasing the hate in an unending cycle of teeth-gnashing. It’s like that racist uncle who you just can’t stand and you have to see him every year at the family picnic and he beats you at cornhole but doesn’t notice your seething rage.

Also he steals your lunch, but only the good bits.

Maryland Terrapins

This is the only rivalry that makes sense.

We’re super geographically close, similar talent level, similar histories, lots of recruiting battles, pretty wild games the past few years.

Overall, pretty happy here. Good games, good people, good times. Maryland is like the racist Uncle’s son. He’s not super racist, but just sorta makes off-color jokes and you have a really good running beer pong rivalry.

Indiana Hoosiers

What in the wide world of sports is Indiana doing on this list?

We don’t know, but it’s turned into a hate fest every year.

I think it’s mostly because the Crimson Quarry (is that their blog?) community is full of literal card-carrying hate group members and flyover state apologists who are weirdly good at using them computers.

They’re like the REALLY racist son of racist uncle who the family doesn’t talk about because he kinda doesn’t show up every year and when he does, he’s a coked out lunatic ranting about a second civil war or some shit but hits the Balmer curve and sometimes beats everyone at flip cup.