A Fresh Start to 2019

Happy 2019 friends! Some of you have just had a wonderful bowl season. Others have had a very sad bowl season. A few of us had merely a late December. At any rate, all of that is behind us now, and we’re moving on to fresh new things for a new year. I hope you all have hit the gym today and have your clean eating meal preps ready for this one week where you might actually stick to it before you resort to getting Little Ceaser’s Hot & Ready twice a week.

However, you are not the only one setting lofty goals for yourself this year! For your viewing pleasure, we’ve assembled a collection of New Year’s Resolutions from schools across the Big Ten. What will your beloved team or coach be working towards in this new year? Read on to find out, because these are completely true and not fabricated at all.

Illinois

Lovie Smith: The beard distracted from the miserable state of the team well enough. This year, I resolve to cool down the hot seat by doubling down and going for the full Jimmy McMillan:

The OTE “Writing” Staff would really like to see this, and thus wishes Lovie well on this quest.

Indiana

Tom Allen: Brainstorm at least six new ways to break Candystripesforbreakfast’s heart.

Literally everyone in the IU Athletic Department: Get Mike Debord out of town somehow.

Update: With vim that would make Oprah proud and that is rarely seen out of Bloomington, this resolution has already been put into practice! DeBord announced his retirement on Dec. 30th. Way to hit the ground running in 2019, Indiana!

Iowa

Kirk already had a pretty wild start to 2019 because he did something completely new—he won his bowl game! Nice job, Quirky Kirky. What else is in store for New Kirk? It turns out, lots of things!

Kirk Ferentz:

• Try new things and let loose a bit.
• Take Mary to a 7:00 movie instead of the usual matinee.
• Put some salsa on my Pancheros burrito instead of just beans and veggies.
• Change my sideline gum from old reliable Doublemint to something wild like Fruit Stripe.
• Live out my wildest fantasy by putting 4 tight ends on the field on offense. Maybe one of those tight ends is secretly a fullback.

Hold on to your butts, Iowegians. New Kirk is a new man, and ain’t no one stopping that change train. And that’s hardly the only thing new happening in Iowa:

Stew: This is the year Gary Barta finally grows a conscience.

All: hysterical laughter

Stew: He also resolves to sell naming rights for the wave to the highest bidder.

BRT: This one really could happen.

Beez: Kum & Go Presents: The Wave

Creighton: I can’t wait for Barta to send a cease and desist when someone tries to raise money for the children’s hospital without licensing the words “Farm Bureau Wave” from him first.

Maryland

Mike Locksley: Never stop failing upwards until I achieve my lifelong dream of coaching the Cleveland Browns.

Michigan

Jim Harbaugh resolves to find the right quarterback for his system, because that’s really the final piece they need. You have to like how they’re looking for next year though. Definitely The Year next year.

Also, he resolves to go to a therapist to see if there’s a way to keep the voices from screaming all the time.

Michigan State

Mark Dantonio: This year, I resolve to practice better self-care and take some more “me time” at the spa. I am also going to botox these frown lines.

Beez: Will Dantonio find a way to work through the long dormant daddy issues preventing him from making much needed changes to his offense and his coaching philosophy at large? Nah, it will be easier to just beat Michigan again and have fans put their pitchforks down for another year.

Minnesota

WhiteSpeedReceiver brings us news of Peej’s Big 2019 plans:

• P.J. Fleck NEEDS TO FIND A WAY TO IMPROVE AND GET BETTER EVERY SINGLE DAY WHILE CONTINUING TO REFINE THE CULTURE AND HELP EACH OTHER CHANGE OUR BEST.
• And Goldy wants to do the best job spinning his head that he can.

Probably some other things about rowing boats too, I’d imagine. All the boats will be rowed in 2019.

Nebraska

Lil Red: Eat more souls of children.

John Cook: Reload, destroy rest of Big Ten.

Bill Moos: I’m going to shake the “Nebraska is stuck in the 90’s” image by updating the music at Memorial Stadium. Fans will now hear hit songs from modern popular artists like 50 Cent, Matchbox Twenty, Ashanti, and Outkast.

Scott Frost: Work through lightning-related anger issues.

Northwestern

Pat Fitzgerald has resolved to develop an image for himself. He’ll show up to Big Ten Media Days wearing an earring, but after the internet roasts him for it on Day 1, he’ll show up on Day 2 earring free and gaslighting reporters into thinking the whole thing never happened.

Ohio State

Ohio State will continue to Overcome Adversity.

Penn State

James Franklin resolves to let the next bad thing one of his star players does off the field go completely unpunished, just to see if anyone notices. Also, to think of new dumb ways to end games. After all, next year brings 12-13 more games in which to baffle and frustrate the masses!

Purdue

Jeff Brohm: I’m going to save up for a new Honda Accord. Also, I am going to try to forget that bowl game ever happened.

Nick Holt: Develop a bungee system to assist his “Get Back” Coach duties.

Purdue Pete: Consume the blood of innocents (Ed. Note: Let’s never let Purdue Pete and Lil’ Red hang out together.)

Rutgers

Chris Ash:

Hard resolution likely abandoned within the month of January: compile a better record that 1-11.

Easy/back-up resolution: Damage Rutgers football’s reputation even further in some new and exciting way.

Wisconsin

Feeling fresh off his big bowl win, Chryst is setting the bar high in 2019.

Paul Chryst: I resolve to:

• Swear more
• Call more pass plays on first and second down
• Try paprika
• Get a second kind of sweatshirt to wear during games

There you have it! The Big Ten is poised for greatness in 2019—they’re going to be their best, happiest, fittest selves yet, we know it.

How about you?