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Noa Pola-Gates Commits to Nebraska and I watched it on TV

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PGA: Sony Open in Hawaii - Third Round
This has very little to do with the football game other than it is also in Hawaii. It’s what happens when you write about an exhibition.
Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

The Nebraska Cornhuskers have a chance to land a four star DB, Noa Pola-Gates, at the Polynesian Bowl. Naturally, I thought it would be a good idea to watch the broadcast, see if he commits, and write about the experience. The following are me rambling. I’m sure I learned something from this game...

Pregame

- We’re really going to do this thing, aren’t we. Fun fact, when you search the Polynesian Bowl website for how players are selected, you definitely get a “PAGE DOES NOT EXIST”. I’m sure that isn’t an indictment on this game.

- I’m just going to assume that CBS Sports didn’t send a real camera crew here.

-Jim Zorn? Mike Bellotti? Head coaches are really top notch today. I told MNW on Slack that this is what happens when you let seventeen extra professional leagues form. He reminds me that Zorn has not coached since 2012. This is so stupid

-Nike really didn’t try on these uniforms, but I’m not even mad. Those helmets are pretty fly. Fun fact, you cannot order a jersey, but you can definitely buy this fun mug that you do not get a full image of because reasons.

“I have never seen this mug in my life.”

-OOOOOO HAKA THO

First Quarter

Kickoff: We apologize to all of those on the eastern side of the country... [insert winter joke].

15:00: “Four 15 minute quarters is what we have on tap today” Also a Tua Tagovailoa reference because his brother, Taulia, is the QB. He’s on Team Mauka in red. In the time I’ve typed this comment, that team is punting.

13:30: BAD PUNT TIME

13:00: “These guys watch what they do in the NFL and in College and try to mimic what they do.” This is the beauty of this game’s commentary. This continues to be a very bad decision. I might only make it to the Nebraska commitment and move on.

12:42: Jim Zorn is working the officials in a semi-legitimate high school all-star game. I like to imagine he is seeing this as a way to boost the ol’ resume for the future. Also, his team just recorded a sack, so that’s fun.

9:38: Punting from the opponent’s 36. So #B1G

9:23: Noa Pola-Gates Announcement leads early with, “Nebraska is kinda cold.” After he picks Nebraska, first comment is that it’s in the teens tonight. This guy sucks. Noa is a fan of the fans and Scott Frost, though, so that’s fun. I’m seriously considering ending my dalliance with this game. This continues to be boring and my incentive to watch is gone.

7:59: Team Makai recovers a Team Mauka fumble, then proceeds to immediately throw an interception. My decision to not turn this game is not looking good. But we’re being introduced to June Jones wearing a BodyArmor Sports Drink hat, which is fun. I had no idea what that was, but it’s apparently the official drink of the NCAA. This brings up an interesting question, what are the official drinks of every B1G team? I started with Illinois because alphabetical order, couldn’t find a standardized list, and moved on. Another day.

5:47: “These guys grew up playing baseball so they know how to slide.” I am getting more entertainment than I should out of this game. That line was part of a rant on kids not sliding, I guess? Also, the fourth turnover in the game just happened.

4:28: Thank goodness, there is a TD. Gunner Cruz is getting a lot of love from this play-by-play because he found the open guy I guess? Oh, and one of Washington’s nine commits in this game is a kicker. That doesn’t mean much. Penn State does not catch nearly as much hell from its commit choosing Happy Valley despite it being cold there too. D’Von Ellies picking James Franklin is a nice pull for them, though.

0:51: The first quarter hasn’t ended and somehow there is sideline warning on Jim Zorn’s guys. I’m totally turning this off when this quarter ends.

0:00: 48 minutes into the broadcast, it’s midnight, and I’m done with this game. This is what recruiting does to a person, though. I stayed up and wrote a blogpost about a game that does not matter because I wanted to see if my team talked a 4* kid into coming to the team I like. So stupid.