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Mr. Steal Your Girl

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This week the Buckeyes announced some major coaching moves in the wake of a Rose Bowl victory—a game that capped yet another season of dominance over Michigan.

First, OSU announced that former Penn State treasure Larry Johnson Sr. would not only not be departing, but has been elevated to the position of Associate Head Coach. That’s an understandable move given the fact that since abandoning the Paterno Mausoleum in State College, LJ Sr. has produced some of the most talented DL players and DL units in college football.

Also this week, OSU hired two coaches to replace the co-DCs this season. The departing Greg Schiano—despite what that cauldron of bubbling Santorum known as Clay Travis wants you to believe—will almost certainly find a coaching job either in the NFL or the FBS.

The other guy Urban hired to co-coordinate with Schiano, Alex Grinch, will be taking his three-sizes-too-small heart to Oklahoma to be the Sooners’ new DC. It’s assumed that he will be very successful there, since instructing the Sooner defenders to “stand still and just let the ball carrier trip over your feet” would catapult OU up 10 spots in total defense.

Surprisingly, former Urban Meyer bridal party member Billy Davis will not be returning to coach the OSU linebackers next year. His tenure often reminded me of an old Gene Tracy joke, the punchline of which involved a crotchety drunk demanding to know “Who called that mother****er a piccolo player?” Needless to say, Billy Davis may be one hell of a groomsman, but one hell of a linebacker coach he is not.

To help fill these vacancies, Coach Ryan Day—in a move poetically reminiscent of Achilles dragging Hector’s limp and lifeless body ‘round the walls of Troy— has hired two key members of Michigan’s defensive brain trust to anchor his coaching staff.

Greg Mattison has served as the Michigan DL coach since 2011, helping to build their defense into a unit that is capable of stopping basically every offense not named Ohio State. Word is out on whether he’ll be bringing his copy of the much-rumored tome Secrets of the September Heisman: A Practical Guide.

Mattison’s most likely successor at Michigan will be Al Washington, the OLB coach whose previous stints include Cincinnati and Boston College.

In totally related news, the other key Buckeye hire from Michigan’s staff is Al Washington, the OLB coach whose previous stints include Cincinnati and Boston College. Though his father was Buckeye linebacker great Alvin Washington—a 1981 first round pick by the Jets—it’s been thoroughly confirmed that he did not feature in Ryan Day’s wedding party.

Mattison will be joined in his DC duties by former 49ers DB coach Jeff Hafley, who Ryan Day worked alongside in the NFL.

Say, didn’t someone else used to work for the 49ers? Sounds familiar. He probably left on his own terms.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.