Editors’ Note: So yeah, we missed last week. This is what happens when you put all of the dads in charge of something. Sorry about that.
There are very few things that bring parents together like complaining about your children’s television shows. I assume this is a rite of passage for all generations, with everything from Looney Tunes to Ninja Turtles getting swept into the fray. Of course, those shows were actually good. With the advent of easy-to-assemble CGI animation, shows these days are a dime a dozen and give incentive to create absurd shows so long as they can fill time on Nick Jr. during the day.
This is where the ‘parenting-is-fun-sorta’ cohort came together across the Off-Tackle Empire writing staff. Look, there are worse shows than Paw Patrol, but very few annoy the hell out of our collective selves more than this show. It’s a simple enough premise about a fictional city - Adventure Bay - that has sold its civil services to a 13 year old boy and his dogs retrofitted with futuristic gear and eventually super powers.
Between the absurdity of that premise, the fact that like three characters cause destruction of Adventure Bay constantly without any repercussions, and the fact that the associated merchandise costs so much more money than any stupid book, toy, or hat should, we all felt the need to force you - the OTE readers - all to come on a journey. A journey to Adventure Bay.
Chase - Ohio State Buckeyes - #1
First Place Votes: 13 High: 1 Low: 2 Last Week: 1
Look, nobody likes Chase. Nobody. Well, check that. Children who are literally conditioned to like winners and front-runners like Chase, but nobody else. Why is that? Because Chase has every single advantage a pup could have. He is literally the entire law enforcement body of Adventure Bay and gets all of the benefits that are associated with that title. Unchecked control of directing traffic? Chase’s. Huge military vehicles that nobody else can compete with? Chase has that. Weird leadership ego where everyone follows his lead without question? Yeah, that’s Chase too. What I’m saying here is that Ohio State is Chase and while they are the most important, best team in the Big Ten, I still hate them for it. Also Chase Young is incredible and there could be a tie-in there if I wasn’t furious I’m talking about Paw Patrol.
Ryder - wisconsin badgers - #2
Last Place Votes: 0 First Place Votes: 1 High: 1 Low: 3 Last Week: 2
Oh Ryder. Sure, you seem fun and loveable, but let’s take a closer look. You’ve destroyed well-paying civil service jobs and replaced them with a bunch of dogs you control. You’ve been given a contract with a city despite being a kid and having absolutely no qualifications for such a cushy gig, and he doesn’t seem to go to school ever. What’s really going on here? Sure, you get things done...but at what cost? Let’s see the rest of the footage of the homecoming documentary you made, Ryder.
Skye - Penn State Nittany Lions - #3
High: 2 Low: 4 Last Week: 3
Do you know who is the best pup? Skye is the best pup. Do you know how mad I am that Penn State is Skye? Extremely mad. Here’s the thing. We can hate on Penn State all we want, but they’re a generally interesting team that when given the opportunity. Unfortunately, that annoying Chase is always in charge despite SKYE LITERALLY BEING ABLE TO FLY WHICH IS LITERALLY THE MOST USEFUL THING IN THE PAW PATROL. Anyhow, the point is that Penn State is kinda good? So is Skye.
Zuma - Minnesota Golden Gophers - #4
High: 4 Low: 7 Last Week: 5
Zuma is the water pup. Fleck likes to row boats. This was just a bit too on-the-nose. But, hear me out. Despite being situated on a Bay, and thusly being arguably the original important pup, Zuma is never thought about or used as the strategic leader for the Paw Patrol. That said, look, he has a damn hovercraft and while his record in animal-saving is decidedly less great than the numbers on the paper say (I was not impressed by the ‘save’ of Marshall in the Halloween episode. Zuma simply shoved him out of the water. Not really a quality win IMO), he’s not worthless and deserves some credit. Sounds like 2019 Minnesota to me.
Marshall - Michigan Wolverines - #5
High: 4 Low: 8 Last Week: 4
Let’s see. Considered to be a rival of the obvious leader - Chase, gets a great running start only to fail miserably in almost every episode (season), rarely saves the day, and uh, am I missing anything else? No? Cool, Marshall is Michigan is Marshall. Still very popular, incredibly important to the brand, and generally overrated.
Rocky - Iowa Hawkeyes - #6
High: 4 Low: 6 Last Week: 7
Rocky does basic, good work. Nothing fancy, but sometimes you just need someone to build some stairs, ya know?
Rocky always seems to have the tool or piece of garbage to repair whatever the folks of Adventure Bay have broken. Kind of like Ferentz’s use of punters getting them out of bad field position. Also, hates getting wet, not sure where to take that one.
Rubble - Michigan State Spartans - #7
High: 6 Low: 8 Last Week: 6
Rubble is the loveable bulldog pup who gets shit done. It may not always be the prettiest and there may be some screw-ups and lack of an offensive scheme at times (especially around spiders). However, that doesn’t stop this pup from putting the power to the ground.
Mandy the Monkey - Indiana Hoosiers - #8
High: 5 Low: 9 Last Week: 10
Mandy the Monkey shows up in more than a few episodes, usually annoys the piss out of the Paw Patrol, and ends up needing to be rescued. Her elusiveness creates a solid offense that can move the ball but in the end, usually ends up creating issues at the worst time for herself.
Tracker - Purdue Boilermakers - #9
High: 8 Low: 11 Last Week: 12
This is the part where these comparisons start to get ruff... er, I mean rough. Boilerman argued that Purdue should be Marshall, due to their constant slip-ups but ultimately, that went to Michigan. Thus, Purdue is Tracker. Tracker is the jungle pup that is rarely seen. When he shows up without a bevy of injuries, he’s a great compliment to the crew. Unfortunately, he doesn’t always get the love he deserves.
Mayor Goodway - Nebraska Cornhuskers - #10
High: 9 Low: 11 Last Week: 8
Ostensibly a good guy, but has mismanaged the city so badly that they’ve outsourced all their emergency services to goddamn dogs and is constantly getting into trouble. Despite all the evidence of gross incompetence, still gets re-elected.
Many of the ‘writing’ parents have often questioned Mayor Goodway’s leadership abilities. Between spending God knows how much on a golden statue of her chicken and the aforementioned using dogs and a teenager for emergency services, you’d think she’d have something to show for it by now.
Kitten Catastrophe Crew - Northwestern Wildcats - #11
High: 9 Low: 11 Last Week: 11
They’re small, generally forgettable, and used to advance storylines for other characters. In what is a one-dimensional, oft-annoying character, the Kitty Catastrophe Crew ‘looks’ like the Paw Patrol but are just worthless cats that don’t do anything. I uh, think this is only about the KCC but this is probably pretty apt for 2019 Northwestern Offense.
Captain Turbot - Maryland Terrapins - #12
High: 9 Low: 13 Last Week: 9
Captain Turbot is the loveable sailor who always seems to get in trouble. Sure, he does good things every now and then like beating Texas. But his inability to use a camera (beat teams like Temple) and constantly calling the Paw Patrol for help has to make you wonder if maybe his captain’s license should be revoked.
Mayor Humdinger - Illinois Fighting Illini - #13
Last Place Votes: 0(?!) High: 12 Low: 14 Last Week: 13
Mayor Humdinger... Looks like the same thing as Mayor Goodway, but is decidedly not.
Chickaletta - Rutgers Scarlet Knights - #14
First Place Votes: Not 14 Last Place Votes: 14 High: 14 Low: 14 Last Week: 14
In a show that makes absolutely no sense to begin with, your continued existence boggles the mind.
We would have gotten this done sooner, but do you know what happens when you task a bunch of dads with something? There were lawns to be mowed, we had to wearily sigh a few times while staring off into the distance, beers had to be consumed. It’s a process, not unlike herding cats. And in the end, it somehow got done. In conclusion: