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Don’t Watch This; Watch That: College Football Week 9 Schedule and the Best Nickname Changes

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All* the nickname mistakes ever made, plus Keggy the Keg.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: SEP 30 Charlotte at FIU Photo by Samuel Lewis/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

I’ve realized there are a few quirks of DWT;WT—weird TV channels that you absolutely need to watch a game on at least once, my insistence on fanboying the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors, and even my insistence on calling them the Rainbow Warriors.

You see, SBNation’s auto tag and link function (which connects our article to its aggregator for teams so more people can find it) does not recognize some things—the proper spelling of wisconsin, the Balls Tate Cardinals, or the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. It’s stuck in 2012—they’re the Hawaii Warriors, and the Idaho Vandals still show up while the Charlotte 49ers don’t.

So I make some important updates as needed.

This comes, though, from a longer tradition of schools changing their mascots and nicknames to adapt to the times, student demands, and a desire to look more professional as they transitioned to FBS football (looking at you, state of Florida). What follows is a helpful guide to those changes.

FBS* Name Changes since 1960

*Of course I reserve the right to expand beyond FBS for hilarity.

Needed Changes

  • Arkansas State: Indians —(2008)—> Red Wolves
  • Eastern Michigan: Hurons —(1991)—> Eagles
  • Louisiana-Monroe: Indians —(2006)—> Warhawks
  • Miami Hydroxide: Rougedermis —(1997)—> RedHawks
  • Southern Miss: Many, inc. Confederates —(1972)—> Golden Eagles
  • Stanford: Indians —(1972)—> Cardinals
  • Syracuse: Orangemen/women —(2004)—> Orange

Needed Changes They Somehow Fucked Up

Long live the North Dakota Saltines and/or the North Dakota Roughriders! BRING BACK THE FLICKERTAILS.

Bad Changes

  • Army: Cadets —(1999)—> Black Knights
  • Central Florida: Citronauts —(1970)—> Golden Knights —(2007)—> Knights
  • Florida International: Sunblazers —(1987)—> Golden Panthers
  • Florida International, pt. II: Golden Panthers —(2010)—> Panthers
  • Hawaii: Rainbow Warriors —(2000)—> Warriors
  • Mississippi State: Maroons —(1961)—> Bulldogs
  • South Florida: Brahman Bulls —(1980s)—> Bulls
  • Troy: Red Wave —(1973)—> Trojans
  • BONUS: Missouri-Kansas City: Kangaroos —(2019)—> Roos

What the hell were you thinking, UMKC?! Roos?!

Good Changes

  • Hawaii: Warriors —(2013)—> Rainbow Warriors
  • North Texas: Eagles —(1966)—> Mean Green
  • Stanford: Cardinals —(1981)—> Cardinal
  • BONUS: Alaska-Fairbanks: Polar Bears—(1963)—> Nanooks
    LONG LIVE HOCKEYBEAR

Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Jackson State Tigers at Prairie View A&M Panthers (-23.5) [6:30pm, ESPNU]
{MLS} Philadelphia Union at Atlanta United [7pm, ESPN2]
{NBA} Milwaukee Bucks at Houston Rockets [7pm, TNT]
{NFL} Washington Professionals at Minnesota Vikings (-16.5) [7:20pm, FOX]

Watch That

#16 SMU Mustangs (7-0, 3-0 AAC) at Houston Cougars (3-4, 1-2)

6:30pm | ESPN | SMU -14 | O/U 65.5

LA Galaxy at LAFC

MLS Playoffs | 9:30pm | ESPN

Los Angeles Clippers at Golden State Warriors

Q4 starts around 11:15pm | TNT

Even calling the Washington team the “Professionals” sounds generous.

If you’re going to put an HBCU game on, ESPN, couldn’t you at least prevail upon it (or the other game!) to not kick off at the exact same time?

Also, lots of drama in the N.C. A&T-FAMU game last Sunday—that’s right, Sunday. After it was delayed a day for a tropical storm to move through, the Aggies and Rattlers duked it out...literally:

I think I’d prefer a dance-off. The Rattlers won, 34-31 in OT, when officials picked up a flag on FAMU’s game-winning touchdown. NC A&T coach Sam Washington, your thoughts?

Sam Washington, the A&T coach, was never given a reason for the officials picking up the flag, but he thinks he knows why.

“Fear,” he said. “They were scared.”

I’d love to see Sonny Dykes and Dana Holgorsen get into a brawl at the end of SMU-Houston. Cougs by a dozen.

Poll

Thursday night! Wife wants to make a Menards run, I’m telling her to leave me alone. But so I can watch...what?

This poll is closed

  • 30%
    SMU-Houston
    (42 votes)
  • 28%
    Kork Coupons vs. Washington Semiprofessionals
    (39 votes)
  • 8%
    MLS Playoffs
    (11 votes)
  • 2%
    Jackson State-Prairie View
    (3 votes)
  • 30%
    ...other?
    (41 votes)
136 votes total Vote Now

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

{NBA} Dallas Mavericks at New Orleans Pelicans [7pm, ESPN]
{MLB} Houston Astros at Washington Nationals [7:07pm, FOX]
{NBA} Utah Jazz at Los Angeles Lakers [9:30pm, ESPN]

Watch That

Columbia Lions (2-3, 1-1 Ivy) at Dartmouth Big Green (5-0, 2-0)

5pm | ESPNU

USC Trojans (4-3, 3-1 Pac12) at Colorado Buffaloes (3-4, 1-3)

8pm | ESPN2 | USC -13.5 | O/U 63

I don’t know if this is something Colorado is making a habit out of, but when I was last in Boulder, doing research back in 2017, they also hosted USC on a Friday night. It was really jarring, walking into The Sink for a burger and seeing a bunch of USC bros sitting around talking about how much their watches cost.

Speaking of great mascots, let’s acknowledge and appreciate Dartmouth for not only making a good change back in 1971, but for embracing unofficial mascot Keggy the Keg.

Poll

Bit of a quiet Friday—what’s on?

This poll is closed

  • 14%
    Any and all college football
    (22 votes)
  • 4%
    Just Columbia-Dartmouth
    (6 votes)
  • 20%
    Just USC-Colorado
    (31 votes)
  • 6%
    NBA, I guess
    (10 votes)
  • 28%
    the World Series
    (42 votes)
  • 25%
    I’ll be down at the local high school football field in my letterman jacket, as always, drunk on Busch and Fireball, yelling how I could’ve gone pro
    (37 votes)
148 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#20 Iowa Hawkeyes (-10, O/U 37.5) at Northwestern Wildcats [11am, ESPN2]
#13 wisconsin badgers at #3 Ohio State Buckeyes (-14.5, O/U 49.5) [11am, FOX]
#5 Oklahoma Sooners (-23.5, O/U 57.5) at Kansas State Wildcats [11am, ABC]
#21 Appalachian St. Mountaineers (-26.5, O/U 52) at South Alabama Jaguars [11am, ESPNU]
Miami-Florida Hurricanes at Pittsburgh Panthers (-5.5, O/U 43.5) [11am, ESPN]
Mississippi St. Bulldogs at Texas A&M Aggies (-10, O/U 50.5) [11am, SECN]
Rutgers Scarlet Knights (+7, O/U 44) [11am, BTN]
Bowling Green Falcons at Western Michigan Broncos (-26.5, O/U 63.5) [11am, ESPN3]
Southern Miss Golden Eagles (-10, O/U 52) at Rice Owls [12pm, ESPN+]
{EPL} Chelsea at Burnley [11:30am, NBCSN]

Watch That

San Jose State Spartans (3-4) at Army Black Knights (3-4)

11am | CBSSN | Army -9.5 | O/U 52

Illinois Fighting Illini (3-4, 1-3 B1G) at Purdue Boilermakers (2-5, 1-3)

11am | BTN | Purdue -9.5 | O/U 60.5

It’s a quiet Saturday morning, but there are Big Ten options for you—wisconsin will go down nice and quietly to Ohio State on FOX’S BIG NUDE SATURDAY and Iowa will suffocate Northwestern with a pillow—including one of three cannons passed back and forth in FBS, a list I’m embarrased to be able to recite from memory:

  • Purdue Cannon: Purdue-Illinois
  • Victory Cannon: Central Michigan-Western Michigan
  • Fremont Cannon: Nevada-UNLV

The Fremont Cannon includes a great story about how, upon winning back the trophy, Nevada coach Chris Ault convinced McCarran International Airport security to let the team dissemble the cannon and carry it onto the plane in their luggage.

I tried to get on board with both San Jose State and Army year, and the Cadets have been particularly disappointing, with three straight losses to Tulane, Western Kentucky, and Georgia State. It’s not that Connor Slomka or Kelvin Hopkins, Jr. are running worse, but the pass defense struggled against the last three teams and those coin-flip games that the Knights have won in the past just aren’t coming up Army. We’ll see if Spartan QB Josh Love can continue those woes in an 8am kick for the SJSU body clocks.

Poll

Which shitstomping do you want to watch?

This poll is closed

  • 23%
    Illinois-Purdue
    (44 votes)
  • 1%
    San Jose State-Army
    (2 votes)
  • 44%
    Ohio State-wisconsin
    (84 votes)
  • 22%
    Iowa-Northwestern rockfighting
    (42 votes)
  • 8%
    Maybe, uh, ...soccer?
    (15 votes)
187 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Nevada Wolf Pack at Wyoming Cowboys (-14.5, O/U 43.5) [1pm, ATSN]
Ohio University Bobcats at Balls Tate Cardinals (-2.5, O/U 61.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at Marshall Thundering Herd (-5.5, O/U 45) [1:30pm, Fcbk]
New Mexico State Aggies at Georgia Southern Eagles (-14.5, O/U 56) [2pm, ESPN3]
#6 Penn State Nittany Lions (-6.5, O/U 44) at Michigan State Spartans [2:30pm, ABC]
#15 Texas Longhorns (-2, O/U 59.5) at TCU Horned Frogs [2:30pm, FOX]
Maryland Terrapins at #17 Minnesota Golden Gophers (-16.5, O/U 57.5) [2:30pm, ESPN]
Oklahoma State Cowboys at #23 Iowa St. Cyclones (-10.5, O/U 63.5) [2:30pm, FS1]
North Texas Mean Green (-4, O/U 64.5) at Charlotte 49ers [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Florida Atlantic Owls (-14, O/U 50) at Old Dominion Monarchs [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Syracuse Orange at Florida State Seminoles (-10, O/U 59) [2:30pm, ESPN2]
Virginia Cavaliers (-3.5, O/U 52) at Louisville Cardinals [2:30pm, ACCN]
Arizona Wildcats (-1, O/U 53.5) at Stanford Cardinal [2:30pm, Pac-12]
Central Michigan Chippewas at Buffalo Bulls (-2.5, O/U 48) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Eastern Michigan Eagles at Toledo Rockets (-3.5, O/U 57) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Miami-Ohio Redhawks at Kent State Golden Flashes (-1.5, O/U 58) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Akron Zips at Northern Illinois Huskies (-23.5, O/U 44.5) [2:30pm, ESPN3]
South Florida Brahman Bulls (-2, O/U 51.5) at East Carolina Pirates [2:45pm, ESPNU]
Hawaii Rainbow Warriors (-10, O/U 69.5) at New Mexico Lobos [3pm, Facebook]
Duke Blue Devils at North Carolina Tar Heels (-3.5, O/U 53.5) [3pm, ACCNx]
South Carolina Gamecocks (-4.5, O/U 48) at Tennessee Volunteers [3pm, SECN]

Watch That

UConn Huskies (1-6) at Massachusetts Minutemen (1-6)

2:30pm | FloSports ($) | UConn -10 | O/U 62.5

Tulane Green Wave (5-2, 2-1 AAC) at Navy Midshipmen (5-1, 3-1)

2:30pm | CBSSN | Navy -3.5 | O/U 55

FIU Sunblazers (4-3, 2-2 C-USA) at Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders (2-5, 1-2)

2:30pm | NFL | FIU -2.5 | O/U 58.5

Indiana Hoosiers (5-2, 2-2 B1G) at Nebraska Cornhuskers (4-3, 2-2)

2:30pm | BTN | UNL -1 | O/U 52.5

#9 Auburn Tigers (6-1, 3-1 SEC) at #2 LSU Tigers (7-0, 3-0)

2:30pm | CBS | LSU -11 | O/U 58

I don’t think we can possibly overemphasize just how bad UConn-UMass is going to be. There was some hubbub earlier about how bad UMass-Akron was, with humorous SBN and other commentators performatively pretending they’ve always cared about the Minutemen and Zips. WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

The Huskies have beaten FCS Wagner. The Minutemen have their 8-point win over Akron. Two of the worst five teams in college football, playing on a PPV channel, and likely repeated at the FCS level in the coming years. IT’S GOT A RIVALRY PAGE.

THIS IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT.

Normally the SEC afternoon overrated-fest is nothing worth tuning in for, but if ever there was a wild-card in that bunch, it’s Auburn-LSU fucking around for a few hours.

I’m also not going to sit here as my Tulane Green Wave are disrespected like this. Just because they’re midshipmen doesn’t mean they know how to handle THIS WAVE, BRO. Really, though, Corey Dauphine and Darius Bradwell are both questionable, so we’ll see if Justin McMillan can carry Willie Fritz’s offense by himself.

Poll

It’s an afternoon with SO MANY OPTIONS. You choose:

This poll is closed

  • 6%
    UConn-UMass
    (12 votes)
  • 4%
    Tulane-Navy
    (8 votes)
  • 0%
    FIU-MTSU
    (0 votes)
  • 16%
    Auburn-LSU
    (31 votes)
  • 21%
    Indiana-Nebraska
    (39 votes)
  • 51%
    My other shit Big Ten team is playing at this time
    (94 votes)
184 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Arkansas Razorbacks at #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-31, O/U 56) [6pm, ESPN]
UCF Citronauts (-10.5, O/U 60.5) at Temple Owls [6pm, ESPN2]
Memphis Tigers (-10.5, O/U 57) at Tulsa Golden Hurricane [6pm, CBSSN]
Texas State Bobcats at Arkansas State Red Wolves (-11.5, O/U 58) [6pm, ESPN+]
Boston College Eagles at #4 Clemson Tigers (-34, O/U 58.5) [6:30pm, ACCN]
Colorado State Rams at Fresno State Bulldogs (-14, O/U 54.5) [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Missouri Tigers (-10.5, O/U 45) at Kentucky Wildcats [6:30pm, SECN]
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (-21, O/U 51) at Texas-El Paso Miners [7pm, ESPN3]
{MLB} Houston Astros at Washington Nationals [7:07pm, FOX]

Watch That

Texas Tech Red Raiders (3-4, 1-3 Big XII) at Kansas Jayhawks (2-5, 0-4)

6pm | FS1 | TTU -4 | O/U 65

Troy Trojans (3-3, 1-1 Fun Belt) at Georgia State Panthers (5-2, 2-1)

6pm | ESPN+ | GASt -1.5 | O/U 66.5

#24 Arizona State Sun Devils (5-2, 2-2 Pac-12) at UCLA Bruins (2-5, 2-2)

6:30pm | Pac12 | ASU -3.5 | O/U 55

You’ll Watch It Anyways

#8 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (5-1, 2-0 ACC) at #19 Michigan Wolverines (5-2, 3-2 B1G)

6:30pm | ABC | EVEN | O/U 51

Don’t do it. I know you will, and I will not forgive you. Do not give these shit programs the time of day.

Poll

Will you dignify Notre Dame-Michigan with your eyeballs?

This poll is closed

  • 11%
    yes because i like these teams
    (24 votes)
  • 45%
    yes because i’m hate-watching it, i swear
    (92 votes)
  • 43%
    NO, I HAVE DIGNITY
    (88 votes)
204 votes total Vote Now

Poll

HELL YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, YOU’RE NOT WATCHING NOTRE DAME-MICHIGAN. SO WHAT’S ON?

This poll is closed

  • 11%
    Texas Tech-Kansas
    (15 votes)
  • 1%
    Troy-Georgia State
    (2 votes)
  • 14%
    Arizona State-UCLA
    (19 votes)
  • 14%
    UCF-Temple
    (20 votes)
  • 5%
    Memphis-Tulsa
    (7 votes)
  • 5%
    Arkansas-Alabama
    (7 votes)
  • 47%
    The World Series
    (64 votes)
134 votes total Vote Now

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

California Golden Bears at #12 Utah Utes (-21.5, O/U 38)
San Diego State Aztecs (-13, O/U 45) at UNLV Rebels [9:30pm, CBSSN

Watch That

Idaho State Bengals at Southern Utah Thunderbirds

9pm | Eleven

Utah State Aggies (4-2, 3-0 MWC) at Air Force Falcons (5-2, 3-1)

9:15pm | ESPN2 | AFA -3.5 | O/U 58

Washington State Cougars (4-3, 1-3 Pac-12) at #11 Oregon Ducks (6-1, 4-0)

9:30pm | ESPN | Oregon -14 | O/U 64.5

A 21-point spread with a sub-40 total is beyond Northwestern-levels of offensive ineptitude, Cal. Pray for MountainTiger, folks.

It frustrated me while playing the city game I introduced in last week’s DWT;WT that I couldn’t think of Cedar City, UT, which is where the THUNDERBIRDS hail from. More teams should follow the lead of Hawaii, Southern Utah, Alaska-Fairbanks, and others, and (RESPECTFULLY) name themselves after local religious/mythological figures. I mean, we could have the Minnesota Holy Dogs or the North Dakota Dreamcatchers. AND INSTEAD THEY’RE THE FIGHTING HAWKS. Shameful.

Anyways, I got Dixie State’s home base of St. George, Utah. Lot going on there.

Poll

It’s late, you stumble into the bar, what’s on?

This poll is closed

  • 6%
    Utah State-Air Force
    (10 votes)
  • 32%
    Washington State-Oregon
    (48 votes)
  • 3%
    Cal-Utah
    (5 votes)
  • 2%
    San Diego State-UNLV
    (4 votes)
  • 6%
    "Do you get Eleven Sports Network?"
    (9 votes)
  • 14%
    Whatever the bartender has on
    (22 votes)
  • 34%
    lol i passed out hours ago
    (51 votes)
149 votes total Vote Now

Enjoy the games, go Sunblazers!