It is time to rate things on the internet.
A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.
I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.
Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.
There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.
There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse).
The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.
Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.
This week there are six “Buys,” and two “Holds.” The lower number of “Sells” is indicative of a bullish trend on the OTE Index.
Rutgers defeated Falwell U, and Michigan Mollywhopped Notre Dame. Well done, on both counts.
What if I told you...that Indiana would be bowl eligible before Halloween, that Illinois would please Thumpasaurus on an ongoing basis, and that Minnesota would have the inside track to Indianapolis? What if I told you that in August? You would have had me drug tested.
The preseason “sleeper” picks in the West - Purdue and Nebraska - will have a pillow fight this week to determine which has the less disappointing season (at least, so far). Wisconsin has an actual losing streak. The defending West champs might not win a league game this year.
I said all of that so I could say this — preseason narratives are garbage.
Ohio State Buckeyes - (Defeated Wisconsin, 38-7) Ohio State outclassed Wisconsin. Totally. The Buckeyes held the Badgers to 83 rushing yards. Who is going to beat them? (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (Maryland, 11/9).
Penn State Nittany Lions - (Defeated Michigan State, 28-7) Penn State goes into the bye undefeated, winning a string of games against Iowa, Michigan, and Michigan State. They will be a tough out for anyone. The Lions get a week off to prepare for the trip to Dinkytown. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (@Minnesota, 11/9).
Minnesota Golden Gophers - (Defeated Maryland, 52-10) Someone cautioned the young Gopher squad not to overlook Maryland. It is a good thing they heeded my advice. You’re welcome. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (Penn State, 11/9).
Michigan Wolverines - (Defeated Notre Dame, 45-14) Michigan thumped Notre Dame. The Wolverines ran for 303 yards, which was more than the Irish had in total offense. Good. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Maryland.
Which team is best?
This poll is closed
Indiana Hoosiers - (Defeated Nebraska, 38-31) Indiana is a real football team, and are bowl eligible before October ends. The Hoosiers played an excellent brand of complementary football against Nebraska, capitalizing on timely turnovers and forcing the Huskers to march the length of the field. This week also looks promising for them. Next up: Northwestern.
Illinois Fighting Illini - (Defeated Purdue, 24-6) Illinois is on a roll. Lovie’s crew ran the ball, ran the ball, and ran it some more. The Illini also played solid defense, with an interception return for a touchdown. The winning streak will continue for at least another week. Next up: Rutgers.
Iowa Hawkeyes - (Defeated Northwestern, 20-0) This is a high “Hold.” Even the box score from this game is ugly. Never deal with a Sicilian when death is involved? Never get in a rock fight when Iowa is involved. The Quadrangle contest in two weeks provides an opportunity for the winner to move up. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (@Wisconsin, 11/9).
Which team would you least like to play right now?
This poll is closed
Wisconsin Badgers - (Lost to Ohio State, 38-7) Wisconsin is not going to win this conference, and they are on a two game losing streak. Last week I said you would be moved to “Hold” with a competitive performance. Your performance was not competitive, but it doesn’t look like many teams will be against the Buckeyes. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Idle (Iowa, 11/9).
Nebraska Cornhuskers - (Lost to Indiana, 38-31) I am sure I could bombard you with all sorts of “emotion” about, and “analysis” of this Husker team, but I will simply present a “fact”: This Nebraska team lost a home game to Indiana. Nebraska fans REALLY don’t like this fact, and they hope the team doesn’t like it, either. It would be good if the team would find a way to win against Purdue. Next up: @Purdue.
Michigan State Spartans - (Lost to Penn State, 28-7) In a minor upset, the Spartans actually scored in the fourth quarter. A few weeks ago, it seemed that Dantonio was on a glide path to retirement. It is now starting to look more like a crash landing (or a “mutual parting”). (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Idle (Illinois, 11/9).
Purdue Boilermakers - (Lost to Illinois, 24-6) Playing in bad weather, against a former NFL defensive coordinator, with a freshman quarterback...was not likely to go well. Purdue has a chance to right the ship against a reeling Nebraska team with a “less than dominant” defense. Next up: Nebraska.
Maryland Terrapins - (Lost to Minnesota, 52-10) It appears that the Terps have run out of gas this season. I anticipate the Terps will round into form just in time to play Nebraska next month. Because, of course. (Mollywhopped in the Second-Degree). Next up: Michigan.
Northwestern Wildcats - (Lost to Iowa, 20-0) Northwestern averaged 4.3 yards per pass and 1.8 yards per rush against Iowa. (Mollywhopped in the Second-Degree) Next up: @Indiana.
Rutgers Scarlet Knights - (Defeated Liberty, 44-34) Good job, Rutgers. A lot of people in the OTE survivor pool thank you. You are still, by far, the worst team in this league. Next up: @Illinois.
Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.
Which team is worst?
This poll is closed