Found another mouse under the sink the other night. Sticky pads sure do their jobs. Then I woke up from a dream last night where we pulled back the stove and countertop, and there were four dead mice under there. I’m starting to think homeownership isn’t for me—I’m officially in the “dreaming about mice” stage.

---

Anyway, our Halloween plans are pretty simple: We put on Harry Potter (millennial as hell), pop a bottle or two of wine, and get wine-drunk in the living room as neighborhood kids come up and knock. This year I will be wearing cat ears as my “costume.”

Also, because it is a requisite this time of year: Candy corn is trash (as are circus peanuts, if you want to be a year-round offender), and if you like them it indicates a serious moral failing on the part of you or your parents.

Because I’m in a sharing mood, here are our pumpkins:

The only thing that I’ve really insisted on from my youth—aside from carving pumpkins every year—is roasting pumpkin seeds. If I buy a bag from Fleet Farm in April and eat them? TRASH. If I eat them on Halloween night? The heavens open and God Himself looks down on the trays I pull out of the oven: “This is my beloved snack, with which I am well pleased. Eat them.”

Pumpkin Seed Recipes

For all of these, preheat the oven to 300° and pat the pumpkin seeds try with a paper towel. You’ll mix in a bowl, then spread them one layer thick on a baking sheet.

Classic

• 1.5 cups pumpkin seeds
• 1 tbsp butter
• Kosher salt (or seasoned salt) to taste

Spiced

• 1.5 cups pumpkin seeds
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tsp salt
• .5 tsp garlic powder
• .5 tsp paprika
• .5 tsp black pepper

Sweet

• 1.5 cups pumpkin seeds
• 2-3 tbsp butter
• 2 tbsp white sugar
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• .25 tsp salt

Roast ‘em all around 300 for 45-60 minutes (or until golden brown), stirring every 15-20 minutes, and enjoy!

Thursday Night

Don’t Watch This

West Virginia Mountaineers at #12 Baylor Bears (-17.5, O/U 56) [7pm, ESPN]
{NCAAH} wisconsin at Penn State [6pm, BTN]
{NBA} Miami Heat at Atlanta Hawks [6:30pm, TNT]
{NHL} Calgary Flames at Nashville Predators [7pm, NHLN]
{NFL} San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals [7:20pm, FOX]
{NBA} Denver Nuggets at New Orleans Pelicans [8:30pm, TNT]

Watch That

Georgia Southern Eagles (4-3, 2-1 Fun Belt) at #20 Appalachian St. Mountaineers (7-0, 4-0)

7pm | ESPNU | App -15.5 | O/U 44.5

Here’s my pumpkin trick: Want to keep those asshole squirrels that live in the massive silver maple in your front yard from completely mauling the designs on your pumpkin? Take a bowl. Couple tablespoons vegetable oil, couple squirts of hand soap, load of hot sauce. Fill it with water to create couple cups of that mixture. Soak some paper towels or a rag in it, then rub it all over the pumpkin.

My wife has asked me that I include this gif:

When you’re done with that, I also sprinkled about $2 of cayenne pepper on the pumpkins. Apparently squirrels, the most Midwestern of animals, need a shit-ton of ranch if they’re gonna tackle anything spicier than ketchup.

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

Princeton Tigers at Cornell Big Red [5pm, ESPNU]
{NCAAH} wisconsin at Penn State [5pm, BTN]
{NBA} Houston Rockets at New Jersey Nets [6pm, ESPN]
{NBA} Los Angeles Lakers at Dallas Mavericks [8:30pm, ESPN]

Watch That

Navy Midshipmen (6-1, 4-1 AAC) at UConn Huskies (2-6, 0-4)

7pm | ESPN2 | Navy -27 | O/U 55.5

{NCAAH} Notre Dame at Minnesota

7:30pm | BTN

Navy has a damn good rush defense, but UConn’s Kevin Mensah has shown flashes. UConn is at the “fuck it, go deep” part of their season, so why not lose a 52-38 shootout to Navy? (I picked up Navy QB Malcolm Perry in one fantasy league, so I might be biased.)

Frustrated with this Friday night slate of games? Remember it’s always darkest before the dawn—no MACtion and no FUNBELT this week makes for rough weeknights , but FEAR NOT! You’ve got Kent State-Toledo (6pm, CBSSN) and Balls Tate-Western Michigan (7pm, ESPN2) coming at you next Tuesday. We did it, everyone. We made it.

Anyhow, my alma mater beat its hated rival in football...for the first time since I was a senior, back in the fall of 2008. The two meet again tomorrow night for a place in the state tournament, which is pretty fun. Not sure I’ll be going back to watch it, but the “Put on my letter jacket, get drunk on Busch and Fireball, and go yell at kids” option in the poll is looking pretty good right about now.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#14 Michigan Wolverines (-21, O/U 56.5) at Maryland Terrapins [11am, ABC]
N.C. State Wolfpack at #23 Wake Forest Demon Deacons (-7.5, O/U 61.5) [11am, ESPN]
Houston Cougars at UCF Citronauts (-22, O/U 71.5) [11am, ESPN2]
Boston College Eagles at Syracuse Orange (-3, O/U 60.5) [11am, ACCN]
UTSA Roadrunners at Texas A&M Aggies (-38, O/U 53.5) [11am, SECN]
Old Dominion Monarchs at FIU Sunblazers (-16.5, O/U 49.5) [11am, ESPN+]
LIMU Lost to Rutgers (-23, O/U 70) at Massachusetts Minutemen [11am, FloSports $$$]
{EPL} Watford vs. Chelsea [12:30pm, NBCSN]

Watch That

Buffalo Bulls (4-4, 2-2 MAC) at EMU Eagles (4-4, 1-3)

11am | ESPNU | EMU -1.5 | O/U 50

NIU Huskies (4-4, 2-3 MAC) at CMU Chippewas (5-4, 3-2)

11am | CBSSN | NIU -1 | O/U 50.5

Nebraska Cornhuskers (4-4, 2-3 B1G) at Purdue Boilermakers (2-6, 1-4)

11am | FOX | UNL -3 | O/U 57.5

Chickenshit Saturday game early this year, as teams like Clemson and Texas A&M are lining up puds like UTSA and Wofford to stomp all over in the name of resting up.

The best thing I can equate this sudden descent into boomerish madness from Scott Frost and Pat Fitzgerald is the mini-kerfuffle surrounding Alex Bregman and Juan Soto having the gall—the sheer fucking temerity—to hit a home run and run to first base with the bat still in their hands. Take, if you will, this steaming pile of bullshit from George Will:

In the rush of the passing seasons, sports memories fade like photographs left in sunlight. But before memories of the 2019 World Series are bleached by time, let us hope that one episode from Tuesday’s Game 6 will be indelible. A nation that now more than ever needs a reminder of the role of manners in smoothing life’s rough edges got such a reminder.

If you for one minute think a young man putting his head down and trotting to first base is going to smooth the roughness of our fucked-up political climate, jump off a bridge. This chucklefuck probably got pissed off when a bus ran behind schedule on December 1, 1955—of course, far be it from George Will to deign to take the bus. People who look like Juan Soto ride those.

I don’t have the energy to go line-by-line with that ranting, boomerish tripe that George Will is smearing all over a page of a newspaper. If you see a young man or woman, of color or not, playing a sport slightly differently than the way it was played 50 or 25 or even 10 years ago: Take a deep breath, remember you are not Principal Skinner, and perhaps, if you’re George Will, continue passing on into the afterlife.

Yes, you read that correctly: There’s a Vince Lombardi “ACT LIKE YA BEEN THERE” citation in George Will’s bullshit. I can’t emphasize enough how I would like him to catch a severe cold.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Akron Zips at Bowling Green Falcons (-6.5, O/U 50) [1pm, ESPN+]
Virginia Tech Hokies at Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-17, O/U 57.5) [1:30pm, NBC]
Troy Trojans (-1, O/U 62) at Coastal Carolina Chanticleers [2pm, ESPN3]
#8 Georgia Bulldogs (-6.5, O/U 44.5) at #6 Florida Gators [2:30pm, CBS]
#22 Kansas State Wildcats (-6.5, O/U 55) at Kansas Jayhawks [2:30pm, FS1]
Marshall Thundering Herd (-10.5, O/U 47.5) at Rice Owls [2:30pm, Facebook]
UTEP Miners at North Texas Mean Green (-23, O/U 59.5) [2:30pm, NFLN]
Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders (-3, O/U 65) at Charlotte 49ers [2:30pm, ESPN3]
UNLV Rebels at Colorado State Rams (-8.5, O/U 64) [2:30pm, ATSN]
Miami-Fluoride Hurricanes at Florida State Seminoles (-3.5, O/U 48) [2:30pm, ABC]
TCU Horned Frogs at Oklahoma State Cowboys (-3, O/U 60.5) [2:30pm, ESPN]
Wofford Terriers at #4 Clemson Tigers [3pm, ACCN]
#9 Utah Utes (-3.5, O/U 47.5) at Washington Huskies [3pm, FOX]
Mississippi St. Bulldogs (-7.5, O/U 59) at Arkansas Razorbacks [3pm, SECN]
Pittsburgh Panthers (-7.5, O/U 42.5) at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets [3pm, ACCNx]
Florida Atlantic Owls at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (-1, O/U 49.5) [3pm, ESPN+]
Texas State Bobcats at Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-22.5, O/U 55.5) [4pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Rutgers Scarlet Knights (2-6, 0-5) at Illinois Fighting Illini (4-4, 2-3)

2:30pm | BTN | Illinois -20.5 | O/U 50.5

Arkansas State Red Wolves (4-4, 2-2 Fun Belt) at ULM Warhawks (3-4, 2-1)

2:30pm | ESPNU | ArkSt -1.5 | O/U 68

Army Black Knights (3-5) at Air Force Falcons (6-2)

2:30pm | CBSSN | AFA -14.5 | O/U 45.5

Tulsa Golden Hurricane (2-6, 0-4 AAC) at Tulane Green Wave (5-3, 2-2)

3pm | ESPN2 | Tulane -10.5 | O/U 60

Oregon State Beavers (3-4, 2-2 Pac12) at Arizona Wildcats (4-4, 2-3)

3:30pm | Pac-12 | Arizona -6 | O/U 72.5

The beauty of this afternoon is that something here is going to turn into a 62-59 shootout. Do we have any idea what it is? Reader, we do not, but it’s going to be dumb and we’re going to love it.

I’ll spend at least part of the morning at the Minneapolis Museum of Russian Art, and I’m not sure what will be more bleak—the Chernobyl photograph collection or the Rutgers offense. But Thump is telling me he picked up the Illinois defense in our fantasy league, meaning only one thing can happen: HERE’S THE 62-59 SHOOTOUT.

Johnny Langan, Reggie Corbin: The floor is yours. Wow me.

Saturday Night

Don’t Watch This

Ole Miss Rebels at #11 Auburn Tigers (-19, O/U 53) [6pm, ESPN]
#17 Cincinnati Bearcats (-24, O/U 47) at East Carolina Pirates [6pm, CBSSN]
Northwestern Wildcats at Indiana Hoosiers (-11.5, O/U 44.5) [6pm, FS1]
Vanderbilt Commodores at South Carolina Gamecocks (-15, O/U 51.5) [6:30pm, SECN]
Virginia Cavaliers at North Carolina Tar Heels (-2, O/U 47) [6:30pm, ACCN]
Colorado Buffaloes at UCLA Bruins (-6.5, O/U 64) [8pm, Pac12]

Watch That

#15 SMU Mustangs (8-0, 4-0 AAC) at #24 Memphis Tigers (7-1, 3-1)

6:30pm | ABC | Mem -6 | O/U 71.5

UAB Blazers (6-1) at Tennessee Volunteers (3-5)

6pm | ESPNU | Tenn -11.5 | O/U 47.5

#7 Oregon Webfoots (7-1, 5-0 Pac12) at USC Trojans (5-3, 4-1)

7pm | FOX | Oregon -4.5 | O/U 62.5

UAB is on the easiest run of games possible in the C-USA—wins over Rice, UTSA, and Old Dominion, teams with a combined 4-19 record—but has a defense that has shown moments of being stifling. This one might not be a WATCH THAT until late, but when it’s a 17-14 game in the mud you might see literal pitchforks for Jeremy Pruitt in the Neyland Stadium stands.

The other two games should be sheer, dumb fun. Oregon-USC has a little of the obnoxiousness of expectations, but that’s why SMU-Memphis is on. This will be sheer stupidity. Houston and Tulsa both completely blew it against the Ponies, and Memphis should finally shred their defense to the point of no return. Hell, it’s why I have Cincinnati as the G5 representative in the New Year’s Six bowl games.

But it’s gonna be stupid and entertaining and sign me up.

Of course, I will skip it, because it’s more fun a stupid social obligation I can’t give up to watch Aidan Smith and/or Hunter Johnson HORP HORP HORP their way to a 23-3 loss at Indiana.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

n/a

Watch That

So many good storylines. WATCH ALL THE FOOTBALL ON SATURDAY NIGHT. I’m breaking my usual format and following each game with a preview and why it’s eminently watchable:

BYU Cougars (3-4) at Utah State Aggies (4-3)

9pm | ESPN2 | USU -3.5 | O/U 50.5

THE BATTLE FOR THE OL’ WAGON WHEEL!

We’ve got a Little Brother vs. Littler Brother matchup that doesn’t grab the headlines (or even the Google search results) of the Utah-BYU Holy War, but that has challenged BYU as it struggles to stay relevant amid the rise of Utah and the strength of the Mountain West. Coming off a stunning upset of Boise State, the Cougars have to reckon with an Aggies squad that has won 3 of the last 5 after being dominated by the Stormin’ Mormons for 40 years.

Still need help identifying with this rivalry? Take a BYU player’s comments this week:

“I saw something on Twitter that said Utah State is going to come out playing like they’re protecting their dairy farm,” said Dayan Ghanwoloku, who jokingly mentioned cowbells when asked about the home-team atmosphere in Logan. “That’s how I feel like they’re going to come out: ready to protect their dairy farm.”

THIS NAKED AGGRESSION AGAINST DAIRY FARMS WILL NOT STAND. GO AGGIES.

#21 Boise State Broncos (6-1, 3-0 MWC) at San Jose State Spartans (4-4, 1-3)

9:30pm | CBSSN | BSU -17 | O/U 60

San Jose State, after a win at West Point? THINKING BOWL GAME.
Off Tackle Empire, all along? THINKING BOWL GAME.

You can’t really soft-pedal what Brent Brennan’s Spartans have accomplished to date, even if their wins have come against Northern Colorado, Arkansas, New Mexico, and Army—teams with a combined record of 8-25. Mike McIntyre got the hell outta Dodge after one good season, and the Ron Caragher Era was disastrous. It’s nice to see a perennial doormat have some success.

That win at Fayetteville was damn special, and the Spartans are just beating who’s in front of them. QB Josh Love hucks it around with very little regard (20/31 for 314 and 3 TD at Army, at 2355 with 15:3 on the year), and CEFCU Stadium—with, jarringly, bleachers on only one side and a grassy berm behind the visitors’ bench as it undergoes renovations—makes for a weird atmosphere.

Should the Broncos roll? Perhaps.

But tune in early to see if the Spartans come out firing and make this one interesting.

New Mexico Lobos (2-6, 0-4 MWC) at Nevada Wolf Pack (4-4, 1-3)

9:30pm | ESPNU | Nev -3.5 | O/U 58.5

Look: This one’s gonna be a shitshow. Nevada is the 115th worst defense, by FEI. New Mexico is 124th. (For the record, Rutgers is 121st.) But on the offensive side, the Lobos have a propensity for the occasional explosive drive (29th in the country by FEI) out of their spread option attack.

Now, QB Sheriron Jones is indefinitely suspended from the Lobos for exposing himself to a woman on campus, but the embattled Bob Davie had already switched to sophomore Tevaka Tuioti, who led three TD drives in just 3.5 minutes as the Lobos feasted on the Hawaii prevent defense. With Ahmari Davis showing some speed on the ground and Davie hinting at some gadget packages in a wide-open offense, I can talk myself into a straight UNM upset over a Nevada team that has bowl eligibility to think about...

Fresno State Bulldogs (3-4, 1-2 MWC) at Hawaii Rainbow Warriors (5-3, 2-2)

10:59pm | Facebook | Hawaii -2 | O/U 69.5

HELL. YES.

Enjoy the games.