Week 6: B1G Stock Report

It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse).

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are three “Buys,” and six “Holds.” The lower number of “Sells” is indicative of a neutral to bullish trend on the OTE Index.

There were six league tilts and one non-conference game this week. For a person as “experienced” as myself, it felt like a throwback to the 1970’s and 80’s — reminding me that the imagined past was not that great, after all. Nebraska and Michigan were fortunate to survive rock fights at home. The Spartans were outclassed by Ohio State, but that seems to happen to everyone. Penn State and Maryland were able to dispose of programs at their low ebbs (Purdue due to injuries, Rutgers due to a firing). Minnesota was finally able to win convincingly. Wisconsin finished its non-conference slate undefeated — without being scored upon.

Onward.

Buy

Ohio State Buckeyes - (Defeated Michigan State, 34-10) The Buckeyes have fast players that can create explosive plays, combined with a quarterback who can distribute the ball to them. If this weekend taught us anything, it is that all those things are at a premium. The defense is awfully good, too. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (@Northwestern, 10/18).

Penn State Nittany Lions - (Defeated Purdue, 35-7) Penn State dispatched a depleted Purdue team, sacking them ten times. Offensively, the Nits spread the ball around. It was a comprehensive win, and PSU is the East team with the best chance of competing with the Buckeyes. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Iowa.

Minnesota Golden Gophers - (Defeated Illinois, 40-17) Last week I said that Minny would be moved to “Buy” should they put one of their opponents away, and they did so with some impressive offensive numbers. The Gophers are 5-0 and might knock Nebraska out of the West race with a win this weekend. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Nebraska.

Hold

Wisconsin Badgers - (Defeated Kent State, 48-0) Jonathan Taylor (a.k.a The Real Deal) scored five touchdowns in the first half — so a MACrifice was consummated, to the surprise of no-one. The Badgers are great at beating bad teams, but that has already been established. Wiscy will move back into a “Buy” with a win over Sparty. I like their chances. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Michigan State.

Michigan Wolverines - (Defeated Iowa, 10-3) I still do not understand what Michigan is trying to do with its offense, and I am not alone — Michigan does not know either. A hard-nosed run defense, a strong pass rush (eight sacks), and turnovers were enough to defeat the Hawkeyes at home. Evidence of more offensive firepower is a required for a “Buy” rating. Check out who they play next. Next up: @Illinois.

Michigan State Spartans - (Lost to Ohio State, 34-10) It is my firm belief that MSU has one of the ten best defenses in college football — yet Ohio State still beat them by more than three touchdowns. This says more about Ohio State than it does about Sparty. This team rates a “Hold.” A win in Madison is possible, and would move the stock up. A loss will move them down. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: @Wisconsin.

Indiana Hoosiers - (Idle) The Hoosiers will take a step towards bowl eligibility this week. Next up: Rutgers.

Maryland Terrapins - (Defeated Rutgers, 48-7) Maryland did what was expected of them —or any team, really — by throttling the Scarlet Knights convincingly. They move on to West Lafayette this week to face a decimated Purdue squad. Beating the teams from Indiana is essential for any Terp path to bowl eligibility, but the turtles have injury problems of their own at quarterback. Again. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Purdue.

Iowa Hawkeyes - (Lost to Michigan, 10-3) Iowa continues to run my high school’s offense from 1985. It says something (something bad) if a major college team cannot score more than three points in the year 2019 — no matter the caliber of the opposing defense. Iowa rates a “Hold” because they lost to a top twenty team, on the road, by only a touchdown. How the Hawkeyes compete against Penn State could set the tone for the rest of their season. Next up: Penn State.

Sell

Nebraska Cornhuskers - (Defeated Northwestern, 13-10) Nebraska won a game that it would have lost in recent years — a game that was both close and ugly. Props to walk-on safety Lane McCallum for nailing the walk-off field goal...that memory will last a lifetime. Nebby remains a “Sell.” Injuries to Adrian Martinez and JD Spielman do not bode well for the Minnesota trip. Should the Huskers find a way to win, they will move up. Next up: @Minnesota.

Purdue Boilermakers - (Lost to Penn State, 35-7) This game can be cruel. Purdue is entirely too beat up, so beat up that I picture their half-time talks as being triage scenes out of M*A*S*H*. They continue to compete, and that is admirable. It will pay off at some point, maybe even soon. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Maryland.

Northwestern Wildcats - (Lost to Nebraska, 13-10) Coach Pat Fitzgerald has a real knack for creating game plans that gum up the works — and so it was again in Lincoln. If any of you whippersnappers ever wonder what watching college football was like in the 1970’s, watch a replay of this game. It was not scintillating. Until the ‘Cats can find a way to score, they will remain a “Sell,” no matter how good their defense is. Next up: Idle (Ohio State, 10/18).

Illinois Fighting Illini - (Lost to Minnesota, 40-17) Illinois is not good. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Michigan.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights - (Lost to Maryland, 48-7) New coach, same football team. Public Notice: No listing decisions will be made until the interim coach has a few games under his belt. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: @Indiana.

Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.