Earlier this year I became a father for the first time when my wife gave birth to a little boy, followed by a little girl 14 minutes later. It’s been great, but if you’ve never had kids before it’s hard to prepare for how much your life is going to change. When you’re a first-time parent with infant twins (twinfants?), every single part of your life is dictated by twins because you don’t know what you’re doing and you have no idea how hard anything is going to be until you try to do it.
Want to go to grab a beer after work? Can’t, you have to go relieve the babysitter before she gets wise to the fact that she should be charging double for two babies. Baby has a doctor appointment? You have to take a sick day because your wife can’t haul two babies across town by herself, then once you get there you find out that the nurse didn’t know how to make a double appointment and only made an appointment for one of them. Want to go home for Thanksgiving? Too bad, the babies are 20 pounds now and you would each have to hold one for hours while carrying bottles and diapers on two flights and a layover.
Don’t get me wrong, twins are awesome, but since every decision I make now has to be made while thinking “how are does having a litter of babies at home make this harder than it has to be” we’re going to take a dive into the world of twins on this week’s power poll. To the graphs!
1 - Ohio State - Artemis and Apollo
Is there anyone left who disagrees that, once again, Ohio State is far and above the best team in the conference? Like their counterparts in Columbus, Artemis and Apollo were gods ruling over their kingdom of mortals. In Greek mythology, Leto gave birth to Artemis, goddess of the hunt, first. She turned around immediately after her birth and helped deliver her twin brother. Apollo, the sun god, came out with a golden sword in his hand.
Ohio State might not have a sword made of gold, but they’ve got plenty of weapons on the field. For better or worse, Ohio State is probably making the playoffs B1G again.
High 1 First Place Votes 16 Last Week 1
2 - Minnesota - The Bee Gees
Twins Robin and Maurice Gibb were two-thirds of your favorite disco group. Before they were a big deal, the Gibb brothers spent over a decade in Queensland Australia playing pop music and achievieng middling success. Eventually they made enough connections in the industry that they were able to get a demo tape to the desk of producer Brian Epstein (known for discovering The Beatles). They were offered a long-term contract and became international stars shortly after.
It’s probably too early to say that Minnesota has found their Brian Epstein in PJ Fleck, but man is it looking like he’s got them rowing their way into national relevance. After an impressive victory over Penn State, the Gophers will look to keep Stayin’ Alive against Iowa this Saturday.
H 2 Low 5 LW 3
3 - Penn State - Dennis and Dee Reynolds
Dennis and Sweet Dee, Danny DeVito’s narcissistic children (but not really) from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia are part of the gang that owns Paddy’s Pub. Dennis is a sociopath, obsessed with his image, and possibly a serial killer. Dee has Quixotic fantasies about her success as an aspiring actress and comedian. Together they make a scheming and contemptible pair that makes the world a worse place for everyone in their orbit, yet they escape every situation unscathed and ready to bounce back the next week to resume their bullshit. I feel like this doesn’t need further explaining.
H 2 L 5 LW 2
4 - wisconsin - Those Giant Motorcycle Twins
The McGuire Twins were relatively unknown professional wrestlers before the Guinness Book of World Records named them “World’s Heaviest Twins”, coming in at a combined weight of 1,468 pounds. They are easily one of the most recognizable pairs of twins in history, though many people might not know exactly why. I assume I’m not the only one who knew absolutely nothing about the McGuire twins outside of their motorcycle photo before now. A simple photo brought them success and fame, despite their lack of any real accomplishments.
Wisconsin has convincing victories over Michigan and Michigan State, but they followed that up by losing to a 2-4 Illinois team and getting run out of the stadium by Ohio State. Are you confused about why OTE holds the Badgers in such high regard? You’re not alone, so are we.
H 2 L 5 LW 4
5 - Michigan - The Duffer Brothers
The Duffer Brothers made a handful of short films you’ve never seen or heard of before getting their big break as producers on Wayward Pines. When Wayward Pines ended after its second season, they started pitching their next project, a little show called Stranger Things.
If you live under a rock and haven’t watched it yet, Stranger Things is a sci-fi/horror series that takes place in a small midwestern town in the 80’s. It’s got alternate dimensions, secret Cold War experiments gone wrong, children with superpowers, and plenty of Dungeons and Dragons. It borrows heavily from 1980’s horror movies, and it’s got lots of 80’s fashion, slang, and music. It’s basically an homage to the Duffers’ childhood.
Michigan is a good enough team, but it benefits heavily on nostalgia for an age that a good chunk of their fans probably don’t remember. Still, just as the Emmy nominations for Stranger Things will keep rolling in without amounting to anything, Michigan will keep getting just enough votes to keep them in the top 5.
H 4 L 6 LW 5
6 - Indiana - Tegan and Sara
Tegan and Sara Quinn are a Canadian indie rock duo. If you haven’t listened to them before, I’ll pause for a moment so you can stream Heartthrob in its entirety.
Tegan and Sara haven’t had a whole lot of mainstream success, but they’ve got a loyal following on college campuses around the country. They’ve spent most of their career under the radar, but they’re a hell of a lot of fun.
Nobody is expecting the Hoosiers to make the playoffs any time soon, but hey they’re playing pretty good football, they’re going bowling, they’re ranked in the AP poll for the first time in forever. Enjoy the ride.
H 5 L 8 LW 7
7 - Iowa - He-Man and She-Ra
He-Man and She-Ra, also known as Prince Adam and Princess Adora, are the twin children of King Randor, ruler of Eternia. Together they defend the universe from the evil Skeletor, along with He-Man’s pet tiger Battle Cat (who would transform into the cowardly Cringer when He-Man was just wandering around as Prince Adam).
The entire show was conceived as a series of 23-minute action figure commercials disguised as episodes, so there are a lot of weird peripheral characters with names like Man-E-Faces (who has many faces), Fisto, Sy-Klone, and Clawful. It’s forever ingrained as one of the weirder moments in American pop culture.
Iowa’s offense is as outdated and aesthetically strange in 2019 as the Masters of the Universe would be if you released the original series today. The lack of modernity and an unwillingness to change means we’re going to see a lot more of this Dolph Lundgren-ass offense for years to come.
H 6 L 7 LW 6
8 - Illinois - Twins
The 80’s movie Twins stars Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger as Vincent and Julius Benedict. They were the result of a secret government experiment to create the perfect human. Separated at birth, Julius was raised by scientists in a lab, while Vincent became a lowlife conman.
Eventually the two meet each other and experience a bunch of classic buddy comedy stuff before the true nature of their origins is revealed, shedding some light on their striking difference in physical appearance and stature. The scientists succeeded in creating the perfect human (Julius), but when the embryo split it left Vincent with all the leftover genetic garbage. Was 1988 way too late for society to be cool with making a movie about eugenics? Probably!
Illinois spent the first 6 games of the season living as Vincent, but now find themselves in an unforeseen perfect 4 game winning streak. Most of us thought it would be years before we’d see Illinois with a single-digit ranking again. Well done, Lovie.
H7 L 9 LW 9
9 - Purdue - Sebastian and Viola/Cesario
Shakespeare’s The Twelfth Night is a comedy about twins who are separated after a shipwreck. Viola washes ashore and disguises herself as a man, who she names Cesario. Cesario begins working for a young and handsome Duke, who is courting a woman named Olivia. Eventually an unconventional love triangle forms when Viola falls in love with the Duke (who thinks she’s a man), while the Duke continues to love Olivia, who has now fallen in love with Cesario (who is actually Viola). Eventually Viola’s twin Sebastian arrives and is mistaken for Cesario (being a man who looks like his sister Viola) and it becomes a weird love quadrangle.
The thing is, I could’ve stopped after the word “shipwreck” and you all would’ve known why I chose Sebastian and Viola for Purdue. I just really want you guys to go read The Twelfth Night because it’s one of my favorites.
H 9 L 11 LW 10
10 - Michigan State - Dear Abby and Ask Ann Landers
These two popular advice columns were at one time written by identical twins. Eppie Lederer took over the Ask Ann Landers column when she won a contest to replace the previous writer when they died. Her sister Pauline Phillips started reading the column and assumed she could do a better job, so she begged the San Francisco Chronicle to start running her own, yet to be written column and Dear Abby was born.
The competition caused a feud between the sisters, and they refused to speak to each other for many years. One particularly great moment of sisterly pettiness came when Pauline offered her (now syndicated) column to their hometown paper, the Sioux City Journal, at a heavy discount...on the condition that they stop printing Ask Ann Landers.
Sparty is in freefall right now. They just blew a 24 point lead over Illinois to extend their losing streak to 4 games, which may hit 5 by the time they leave Ann Arbor on Saturday. Judging by Mark Dantonio’s recent press conferences he’s not in the mood to take any advice from anyone, but if he wants to beat the Wolverines he may want to start asking around for better ideas than what we’ve seen from him so far.
H 10 L 12 LW 8
11 - Nebraska - The Doublemint Twins
The Doublemint twins were the old spokespersons (I looked it up and this is more correct than spokeswomen) for Doublemint gum. You see, Doublemint had twice the mint as...regular mint. So here are some twins because they’re like one person, but double. That’s it. That’s the bit. This idiot ad campaign ran for like 60 years.
After coming out of the offseason with a lot of excitement, the Cornhuskers have once again crumbled into a black hole of despair, Runza, and environmentally destructive touchdown balloons. Scott Frost’s second year is looking pretty identical to his first year. Both have an eerie similarity to Riley’s final year. At least it’s basketball seas- oh. Um... chew your gum.
H 10 L 12 LW 11
12 - Maryland - Goofus and Gallant
Goofus and Gallant is an old, dumb comic strip about twin boys that stupidly tries to teach children right from wrong by moralizing situations into black and white choices. Instead of attempting to explain why something is bad or good, it simply tells you what to do.
Goofus, a moron, used all the tonic water to water the plants. Gallant, a weird goody two shoes, makes Mother another cocktail.
You know, dumb stuff like that. Like a Big Ten program hiring a coach who just got fired by New Mexico, there really isn’t a lot of logic to it.
H 11 L 12 LW 12
13 - Northwestern - The Krassensteins
Ed and Brian Krassenstein are a pair of weird Twitter grifters who rose to prominence after the 2016 election. They had an odd amount of success getting attention and followers by replying to a bunch of Donald Trump tweets, and quickly had 6-figure follower counts. Their tweets were mostly in resistance to the president, but occasionally veered off into weird tirades that seemed to just be excuses to tweet photos of themselves with their shirts off. At their peak they leveraged their popularity into launching a podcast and a children’s book. Eventually they were permanently banned from Twitter when it turns out that they were running a bunch of fake accounts, and possibly bought some fake followers.
So too, has Northwestern fallen from their success last year. Less than a year after playing in the Big Ten championship game they find themselves sitting at 1-8. I’m not saying that all their success last year was built on top of a stack of weird flukes and off-performances rendering the entire thing meaningless, but I’m definitely not not saying that. The only thing keeping them out of the #14 spot is the unwillingness of Rutgers to loosen their iron deathgrip on last place even a little.
H 13 L 14 Last Place Votes 4 LW 13
14 - Rutgers - Cool Croc Twins
Cool Croc Twins was an awful Commodore 64 from the early 90’s. The heroes, Punk Croc and Funk Croc, are two crocodiles wandering around screen by screen to save their (mutual?) girlfriend, Daisy. The game plays like a bad rip-off of Super Mario Brothers. Instead of going through scrolling levels, each level is an individual screen with obstacles and enemies. There are blocks scattered throughout each screen, and to win the level you have to light up all the blocks by hitting them three times. What does this have to do with saving Daisy? Hey I never had to explain to you why Princess Peach keeps getting kidnapped by a giant snapping turtle.
Oh, and did I mention gravity isn’t a thing in the Cool Croc Twins world? Even though the game is presented as a Mario-style side-scrolling platformer, you can jump and move your character around the screen like you’ve superimposed Pac Man onto it. You can climb on either side of the platforms, or any of the four walls of the screen. Wait, is it the defiance of gravity that makes the crocs cool?
Anyway, Rutgers isn’t worth me adding an entire other paragraph just to make fun of them, so I’ll just say that Rutgers is to football as Cool Croc Twins is to video games. You guys get the drill.
H 13 L 14 LPV 12 LW 14