As I type this on Thursday morning, my (retired) father is driving over with a trailer to help me load up the Mini Cooper-sized pile of brush and branches in my backyard and take it to the Hennepin County yard waste site. Three times we’ve done this now, and I still don’t think he trusts me to drive a trailer, which I don’t understand, because I’ve done it before.

We have a massive silver maple in our front yard, and several neighbors have silver maples as well, and they are the absolute worst tree. Soft wood, leaves everywhere, nonstop. Making matters worse, we have a scrub tree with those nasty black berries on our back property line, and I had to take a whole under-layer of branches off this summer, too. So things have piled up, we’d put off running these branches to the yard waste site, and now it’s snow/raining as we’re going to do this. Things are dumb.

So YOU, reader, can feel free to vote or tell me what your least favorite fall projects are. Mine, ranked:

10. Check dryer exhaust. My wife is especially paranoid about this after a house across the street burned from a kitchen accident. No matter—I feel like an urban spelunker with my headlamp and vacuum cleaner.

9. Get the HVAC serviced. The waiting is the hardest part, I’m told, and I always feel judged when the repairman asks me questions and I basically say “I don’t know” and parrot whatever things I was told by the inspector when we bought our house.

We had an appraisal last week for our mortgage refi, and the appraiser asked what improvements we’d made and if they included a new furnace any time soon. No, sir, I am a millennial homeowner and will not fix anything until it breaks, then take to social media to tell everyone how aggrieved I am at these minor inconveniences.

8. Clearing brush. Really, it’s dragging it around the house and to the driveway that pisses me off. Otherwise when I chop the brush and some of the biggest limbs, I feel like PAUL BUNYAN.

7. Mouse-proofing! Here come the mice! Time to get under our counters, pull out our fridge, check the traps along the house/garage wall, and set out the traps. This must be what a Polish magnate felt like in Ye Olde Days. NO TATARS SHALL BROACH MY CASTLE. FETCH THE VIRGIN OF CZESTOCHOWA, THAT I MAY PARADE HER AROUND THE GROUNDS.

6. Digging up garden plants. Thankfully my wife does most of this, as I do not garden. But I still huff and puff and act put out when called upon to help. My contribution was bringing our avocado tree (yes, we have an avocado tree. Long story) inside for the winter.

Unrelated: Would anyone in a warm climate like an avocado tree?

5. Putting patio furniture away. We have a walkout basement, not to brag, along with a patio that we hardly ever use. Yet EACH SUMMER it is a requirement that we fully furnish both front and back patio, should we ever need them for one of those simultaneous front-and-backyard parties. We don’t have enough friends to have a party on one of those spaces! And now I have to cover all that, bring some of it inside, and “winterize” others. It is nonsense.

4. Putting plastic on the windows. I can’t even get Saran wrap out of the box without tangling myself in a mess that looks like something out of an “S&M For Beginners” class; how the hell do you expect me to get it over a 20-square foot window?

3. Closing/draining hoses. Inevitably it’s the coldest day of the year, somehow, and I get wet. Screw it. We’ll just buy a new hose if that one freezes.

2. Gutters/roof leaves. We even have gutter guards! And I’m still up on a ladder or using a roof rake or getting a broom to sweep that stupid shit off. Houses shouldn’t have roofs. Convince me otherwise.

1. Raking and bagging leaves. The absolute worst, bar none. My back hurts, half the leaves don’t go into the bag the first time, and they are somehow always too wet to blow/mulch properly. I mowed my backyard a week ago because I thought all the leaves were down. The 80-year old neighbor smiled, shook his head, and asked why I wasn’t raking. BECAUSE FUCK RAKING, SONNY. (That’s his name, I’m not editorializing. Great dude!) I’m thinking about mowing the (very wet) front lawn again today just so I don’t have to rake it anymore.

So tell me in the polls which your least favorite chore is, and remind me of all the chores I’m forgetting! I really want a reason to resent you all more.

Thursday Daytime

I’ve been keeping the basketball spreadsheet updated daily over in the basketball open thread—give that a look if you’d like. But Feast Week is here! God has smiled down upon us, and in His bountiful mercy there is midday basketball. Here’s what we have:

• #17 Villanova Wildcats vs. Middle Tennessee [10:30am, ESPN2, Myrtle Beach]
• Missouri State Bears vs. Miami Fluoride [10:30am, ESPNU, Charleston]
• Mississippi State vs. Tulane [1pm, ESPNU, Myrtle Beach]
• Florida vs. Saint Josephs Hawks [1pm, ESPN2, Charleston]
• Ohio vs. #24 Baylor [3:30pm, ESPN2, Myrtle Beach]

Thursday Night

Don’t Watch This

Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks at Northwestern State Demons [6pm, DemonTV]
{NFL} Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans [7:20pm, FOX/NFL/Amazon]
{CBB} North Florida Ospreys at Iowa [6pm, BTN]
{CBB} #18 Xavier Musketeers vs. Towson Tigers [6pm, ESPNU, Charleston]
{CBB} #22 Texas vs. Georgetown Hoyas [6pm, ESPN2]
{CBB} Utah vs. Coastal Carolina Chanticleers [6pm, ESPNN]
{CBB} Nebraska Omaha Mavericks at Washington State [6pm, Pac12]
{CBB} Toledo at Notre Dame [7:30pm, ACCN]
{CBB} Green Bay Phoenix at wisconsin [8pm, BTN]
{CBB} #1 Duke vs. California [8pm, ESPN2, 2K Classic, New York]
{CBB} South Dakota State Jackrabbits at #14 Arizona [8pm, Pac12]
{CBB} Buffalo vs. UConn [8pm, ESPNU, Charleston]
{CBB} Hofstra Pride at UCLA [10pm, Pac12]
{NBA} Portland Trail Blazers at Milwaukee Bucks [7pm, TNT]
{NBA} New Orleans Pelicans at Phoenix Suns [9:30pm, TNT]

Watch That

#23 Nicholls Colonels at #22 SE Louisiana Lions

6pm | ESPN+

N.C. State Wolfpack at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

7pm | ESPN | GT -2 | O/U 49

I keep a few Spotify playlists when I drive now, but I’m not actually a music buff—certainly, as most of you can attest to, no one would mistake me for having good taste. But I title them based on the few “music words” that filter to me through friends I have who actually know music; looking at the four playlists I actually named, they are:

• Bangers
• Jams
• Good Stuff
• Chill

And I’m realizing that not only do those make me look like a twat, but I had also kept in mind various other playlist names:

• Slappers
• Rock
• Country Jamz [with a z]
• Slapperz
• Scooters
• Zippers

Please help.

Friday Daytime

Stay tuned for the weekend’s basketball previews tomorrow—I’ll have the day’s games updated there when the time comes. (I’m already behind enough this morning.) But there will be basketball! Rejoice!

• Soccer: Fulham vs. Queens Park Rangers [1:45pm, ESPN+]

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

#11 (FCS) Central Arkansas Bears at Incarnate Word Cardinals [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{CBB} George Mason Patriots at Maryland [6pm, BTN]

Watch That

Colorado State Rams at Wyoming Cowboys

8:30pm | ESPN2 | Wyo -6.5 | O/U 50.5

{VB} Nebraska at Minnesota

8pm | BTN

One of my regrets in life: In early November 2017 I was doing some research in Boulder in the papers of Gary Hart (findings from which on the Manchin family I shared last week). That weekend, Northwestern played at Nebraska. I had, to my mind, three choices:

• MountainTiger’s very generous offer to watch NU-UNL at his Denver-area house
• Rent a car or take a train to Lincoln for the game
• Rent a car and make the 2.5-hour drive to Colorado State-Wyoming at War Memorial Stadium in Laramie.

I took the safe option, reader, and while I can attest that MountainTiger and his wife are two lovely human beings and I had a wonderful (!) time, I have regrets. That day, Northwestern beat Nebraska in overtime; however, I was very thankful I did not drive across Nebraska to watch that shitshow. So that was out.

The Border War, however, turned into a glorious shitshow:

The lesson: Always go to college football games.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#10 Minnesota Golden Gophers (-13.5, O/U 39.5) at Northwestern Wildcats
Illinois Fighting Illini at #17 Iowa Hawkeyes (-16, O/U 47) [11am, BTN]
Michigan State Spartans (-20.5, O/U 43.5) at Rutgers Scarlet Knights [11am, FS1]
#21 Oklahoma State (-7, O/U 60) at West Virginia Mountaineers [11am, ESPN2]
Harvard Crimson at #25 Yale Bulldogs [11am, ESPNU]
Western Carolina Catamounts at #5 Alabama Crimson Tide [11am, ESPNU]
Samford Bulldogs at #15 Auburn Tigers (-48.5, O/U 64) [11am, SECN]
Kansas Jayhawks at #22 Iowa St. Cyclones (-24.5, O/U 58) [11am, FS Regional]
BYU Cougars (-40.5, O/U 69) at Massachusetts Minutemen [11am, Flo ($)]
Balls Tate Cardinals (-3.5, O/U 65) at Kents Tate Golden Flashes [11am, ESPN+]
East Carolina Pirates (-14, O/U 66) at UConn Huskies [11am, ESPN3]

Watch That

#8 Penn State Nittany Lions at #2 Ohio State Buckeyes

11am | FOX | OSU -17.5 | O/U 56.5

UCF Citronauts at Tulane Green Wave

11am | CBSSN | UCF -6 | O/U 70

Lafayette Leopards at Lehigh Mountain Hawks

11:30pm | Stadium/Patriot League | The Rivalry

Manchester City vs. Chelsea

11:30am | NBC

That morning do anything for ya?

One of my deep tailgating regrets is never formalizing a TV setup to watch the myriad soccer and bad football that’s on in the mornings. We did a generator a couple times, we’ve tried car options, but nothing’s ever stuck, and I would love something to watch. Sometimes it’s 7am and you just need those two beers or Irish coffees to kick in before you’re ready to make small talk. Drunk students waving stupid signs would help that a lot.

It’s one marquee B1G showdown and a lot of mixed, ambivalent matchups this weekend: Iowa-Illinois could be exciting, Minnesota-Northwestern should have been reasonable until Pat Fitzgerald and the gang blew the hell up, and Michigan-Indiana has a shot because Shea Patterson decided people were interested in his opinions, but none of these games have ever grown into their potential. It’s a damn shame.

Also also, I’ve decided I need to watch more random FCS rivalries. And you should begin with The Rivalry—155 iterations of Lafayette-Lehigh!

The Rivalry is so old that it predates football trophies; the winning team just gets to keep the game ball. These are painted with the score and kept at the winning institution’s campus. Lehigh displays its game balls in its athletic hall of fame, and Lafayette keeps its game balls at the official residence of its president. The evolution of the shape of the football can be seen in the displays of past game balls, since the early ones predate even the invention of the forward pass.

The crossover of history and college football. Someone oughta teach a class on it. I’d enroll.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

South Alabama Jaguars at Georgia State Panthers (-9.5, O/U 57) [1pm, ESPN+]
Air Force Falcons (-22, O/U 55.5) at New Mexico Lobos [1pm, ESPN3]
Boston College Eagles at #16 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-19, O/U 64) [1:30pm, NBC]
Texas State Bobcats at #24 Appalachian St. Mountaineers (-29, O/U 52) [1:30pm, ESPN+]
Georgia Southern (-1, O/U 55) at Arkansas State Red Wolves [2pm, ESPN+]
#1 North Dakota State Bizon at #25 Southern Illinois Salukis [2pm, ESPN+]
Nebraska Cornhuskers (-4, O/U 63) at Maryland Terrapins [2:30pm, BTN]
Texas A&M Aggies at #4 Georgia Bulldogs (-13.5, O/U 45) [2:30pm, CBS]
Texas Longhorns at #14 Baylor Bears (-5.5, O/U 59.5) [2:30pm, FS1]
UCLA Bruins at #23 USC Trojans (-13.5, O/U 63) [2:30pm, ABC]
#13 Florida A&M Rattlers at Bethune-Cookman Wildcats [2:30pm, ESPNN]
Pittsburgh Panthers at Virginia Tech Hokies (-4, O/U 46.5) [2:30pm, ESPN2]
Marshall Thundering Herd (-6.5, O/U 55) at Charlotte 49ers [2:30pm, Facebook]
North Texas Mean Green (-6, O/U 55.5) at Rice Owls [2:30pm, NFLN]
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs at UAB Blazers (-4.5, O/U 45.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at Southern Miss Golden Eagles (-4, O/U 50) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
UT Martin Skyhawks at Kentucky Wildcats [2:30pm, SECN]
Purdue Boilermakers at #12 wisconsin badgers (-24, O/U 47.5) [3pm, FOX]
Idaho State Bengals at Weber State Wildcats [3pm, Eleven]
#18 Memphis Tigers (-14, O/U 60) at South Florida Brahman Bulls [3pm, ESPNU]
UTEP Miners at New Mexico State Aggies (-7.5, O/U 56) [3pm, Flo ($)]
California Golden Bears at Stanford Cardinal (-3, O/U 41.5) [3pm, Pac12]
Syracuse Orange at Louisville Cardinals (-9, O/U 62) [3pm, ACCN]
Old Dominion Monarchs at Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders (-15.5, O/U 47) [3:30pm, ESPN3]
Coastal Carolina Chanticleers at ULM Warhawks (-6, O/U 64) [4pm, ESPN3]
Troy Trojans at Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-14, O/U 71) [4pm, ESPN+]
{CBB} Penn State vs. Yale [3pm, BTN+]

Watch That

#3 Montana Grizzlies at #8 Montana State Bobcats

1pm | PlutoTV

#13 Michigan Wolverines at Indiana Hoosiers

2:30pm | ESPN | Mich -10 | O/U 52.5

#25 SMU Mustangs at Navy Midshipmen

2:30pm | CBSSN | Navy -3.5 | O/U 68

San Jose State Spartans at UNLV Rebels

3pm | Facebook | SJSU -6 | O/U 65.5

That’s 31 games, by my count. Holy shit. Maybe we need more B1G N00D SATURDAYS.

Anyway, good halftime viewing during Michigan-Indiana or Purdue-wisconsin might be the finish of Griz-Cat over on PlutoTV! Last year the Bobcats rallied from 22-0 down to win it 29-25 after recovering a Griz fumble on the goal line with just seconds left in the fourth quarter.

I really hope the wheels don’t fall off in the AAC West this week, because the Memphis-SMU-Navy three-way race is really fun. But I’ve got a bad feeling in my gut that Memphis is going to take an L at some point...maybe a 55-52 SMU-Navy shootout would make things better.

Go San Jose State.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Florida Atlantic Owls (-20, O/U 56.5) vs. UTSA Roadrunners [5pm, ESPN+]
Arkansas Razorbacks at #1 LSU Tigers (-44, O/U 70) [6pm, ESPN]
Temple Owls at #19 Cincinnati Bearcats (-10.5, O/U 46.5) [6pm, ESPN2]
Kansas State Wildcats at Texas Tech Red Raiders (-2.5, O/U 55.5) [6pm, FS1]
#6 Oregon Ducks (-15, O/U 53.5) at Arizona State Sun Devils [6:30pm, ABC]
Tennessee Volunteers at Missouri Tigers (-4, O/U 45.5) [6:30pm, SECN]
Duke Blue Devils at Wake Forest Demon Deacons (-7, O/U 52) [6:30pm, ACCN]
TCU Horned Frogs at #9 Oklahoma Sooners (-19, O/U 64.5) [7pm, FOX]
{CBB} Jacksonville State Gamecocks at Purdue [7pm, BTN]
{CBB} Hampton Pirates at Illinois Fighting Illini [7pm, BTN+]

Watch That

Miami Fluoride Hurricanes at FIU Sunblazers

6pm | CBSSN | M(FL) -19 | O/U 49

Houston Cougars at Tulsa Golden Hurricane

6:30pm | ESPNU | Tulsa -3 | O/U 59.5

Oregon State Beavers at Washington State Cougars

8pm | Pac12 | Wazzu -11.5 | O/U 75!!!

When these are the games that are being broadcast nationally, I have decided one of the things I would like new Big Ten Commissioner Kevin Warren to do would be to take a dictatorial role regarding night games.

My Lukewarm Take: There should be one Big Ten game every Saturday night.

Now, I am well aware of the conditions to have a Saturday night game in the Big Ten (both teams needing to agree). But looking at TCU-Oklahoma, Oregon-Arizona State, and even Arkansas-LSU in primetime on FOX, ABC, and ESPN, I’d love for the second-best Big Ten game (which might, honest-to-goodness, be Michigan-Indiana!!! What times are these!!!) to be forcibly flexed into a 6:30 or 7pm game on FS1 or ESPN2.

I don’t care about weather, I don’t care about your children who want to go to the games, I don’t care about logistics headaches. When I come home from my Pumpkin Spice White Millennial Suburbanite Friendsgivings, I want Illinois-Iowa or Michigan-Indiana on the TV.

Kevin Warren, make this happen.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

#7 Utah Utes (-23, O/U 58.5) at Arizona Wildcats [9pm, FS1]
Washington Huskies (-14.5, O/U 54.5) at Colorado Buffaloes [9pm, ESPN]
Nevada Wolf Pack at Fresno State Bulldogs (-13.5, O/U 51) [9:30pm, ESPN2]

Watch That

#20 Boise State Broncos at Utah State Aggies

9:30pm | CBSSN | Boise -8 | O/U 52.5

San Diego State Aztecs at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

10pm | Facebook | Hawaii -3 | O/U 50.5

When I go back to Evanston (because I’ll be there this Saturday night), it’s particularly weird because there aren’t a ton of “haunts” from my undergraduate days that I can return to. The places that I would go to at all:

• The Keg of Evanston (RIP): CLOSED by Worst Mayor Ever Liz Tisdahl
• Tommy Nevin’s: CLOSED, LOOTED because Evanston needed boutique condo bullshit
• 1800 Club: CLOSED
• Buffalo Wild Wings: CLOSED

I had never really gone to Celtic Knot (it always felt like more of a grad student hangout, maybe I’m wrong) or Prairie Moon. The former just never pulled me in, the latter was a NUMB haunt around Homecoming and has now relocated to make way for those same condos or whatever bullshit on the site of the old Nevin’s.

Cities are dumb, is my point, and I want to watch Boise State-Utah State in a bar, like I always recommend you should, while watching SDSU-Hawaii hit a total of 100 on my phone. Instead I’ll probably settle for going to bed by 11pm when my family decides they’re tired, then watching SDSU-Hawaii with my headphones in.

Football time! Feast Week appeteasers are arriving at the table, time to settle in with your stretchy pants and enjoy. Thanks for making OTE your home for Big Ten and college football talk.