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Fall’s Tarts, Week 13: Rutgers Cray Edition

Mega Bonus Super Black Friday Doorbuster Deals Tarts!

The face that launched a thousand Twitter screeds.

Did you miss your tarty goodness last week? I’m sure you did, and I’m very sorry about that, but this gig only pays me in the low five figures* every year, so I can only give so much. But here are a few quick hits that you would have seen last week before we get to this week’s, uh, stars.


Indiana Trying—and Spectacularly Failing—to be Cute

A Rutgers Cheerleader DESPERATE for Something to Cheer For

Michigan Totally Doesn’t Care about MSU, and it Shows

Anyway, enough with the bonus content, which is how I’ve chosen to rebrand “stuff I just didn’t get around to doing last week.” Here are some snow day tarts for you!

In Which Northwestern Trains them Young

Northwestern is a fine institution of higher learning, as all of their fans will tell you (probably many times, come to that.) Thanks to their high scholastic achievement, they’re often depicted as nerds who care only for scholarship and can’t really be bothered with full-hearted athletic fandom. To wit, this iconic image:

I would absolutely swipe right on a guy who did this at a sporting event, but I am kind of a nerd too.

This year, when Northwestern is much more than usually terrible at their athletic endeavors, fans have taken it in stride. Well, most of them have stopped going to the games, truth be told (although according to this article “several” fans have stayed at recent games), but a few brave souls venture on, making the most of the time afforded to them to practice their Rubik’s Cube in peace:

Shortly after the game, Pat Fitzgerald contacted the youth in question and offered him a spot in the 2029 recruiting class, citing his “obvious dedication to intellectual pursuits, and, most importantly, his eschewal of mobile phone devices.”

In Which Matt Millen Sings a Song

Matt Millen had a very busy Saturday, filled with broadcasting responsibilities. It’s easy to let personal connections slide when you’re that busy, but Millen wasn’t about to let that happen, delivering Iowa WR Tyrone Tracy a very personalized birthday message on air (you’ll need your sound on for this one, or it won’t make any sense):

During the replay of Tracy’s catch, Millen can be heard speed singing “Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, that’s a great catch you have there, happy birthday to you!”

I have no idea if it was Tracy’s birthday or if Millen was just being a silly goose, but if it was, we hope you had a good one, Tyrone.

In Which Tim Brando Gives His Major Joints a Gut Check

Matt Millen wasn’t the only broadcaster having a silly day. Further proving that Boomers are just clean, goofy, zany fun and would you all please just stop making fun of them because it hurts their feelings!, Tim Brando busted some moves ahead of the Wisconsin-Purdue game that are frankly pretty impressive:

Then again, if classic disco doesn’t make you want to bust out your Boogie Shoes, who even are you? Boomer jokes aside, I have to admit I’m impressed by Brando’s agility here, charmed by his enthusiasm, and confused by how shiny his pants are.

In Which Maryland Angers the Football Gods

Maryland is not a good football team. I feel like I need to get out ahead of that so that I don’t have people writing in the comments about how their debacle last weekend was due to them being bad, not due to bad luck. I don’t dispute that they’re pretty terrible at football. But that said, these are some freaky weird plays, especially the second one, that make me think there may be more going on here.

Ok, so this one’s just them being bad. And as you’ll hear from the announcer, this was their third miscue by this point in the game, not even ten minutes into the game. Anyway, they let Nebraska recover their own kickoff:

Then, not one, but TWO Maryland defenders tipped this particular ball before it fell into J.D. Spielman’s waiting arms. Excellent.

I’d feel more bad for Maryland, except 95% of the time, it’s my team pulling this dumb shit, so frankly, I really enjoyed experiencing such a windfall of ineptitude from the other side. Sorry Terps.

In Which a Cat is on the Field

There’s not a lot to this one, except that there was a cat on the field in the USF-Memphis matchup. The feline borrowed a lot of moves from the Cats of the Big Ten conference, namely running aimlessly about the field (establishing the run, I suppose), staring wide-eyed at the situation confronting it, and then hiding until it was over. Perhaps another recruit for Pat Fitzgerald, as I don’t suppose it’s much for mobile phone use either.

In Which Tom Herman Damages Employability; Brain

The Tom Herman Experience at Texas isn’t going super well, and gosh, you just really hate to see it, don’t you?

Poor little Texas.

Texas is currently 6-5, and while yes, that is better than my team at the moment, it’s also decidedly not “Back,” and it’s also super funny, because Texas is the worst. Longhorns fans, known for their rationality and patience, have graciously embraced Herman during this trying time sharpened their pitchforks to run him out of town.

Herman, sensing the threat, is really selling out in order to amp up his players. So much so, that he made this terrible decision on Saturday:

Per Wikipedia, Herman is a member of Mensa International, and yes, that surprised me too. One imagines this is not the most persuasive advertising they have ever had.

In Which A New Twist is Added to a Core Workout

There were few bright spots for Abilene Christian when they took on Mississippi State on Saturday. For one, they were in Mississippi. For another, they were losing by quite a lot. However, one man saw his chance to shine:

From the number, it appears to have been either Qua’Shawn Washington or Tory Hargrove, but it’s really hard to tell. Both are linebackers, so it’s pretty great either way. My favorite part is #88 Kobe Clark coming over at the end with the elated arm pump.

In Which a Hog is Handled

That heading now sounds really dirty to me, but I’m going to leave it, so please enjoy that. Please also enjoy this full-grown man getting absolutely thrown to the ground. It’s not particularly silly, stupid, or weird, which is the brief for this column, but we all liked it and thought you should see it.

In Which Rutgers Fans Absolutely Lose Their Shit

Here’s an interesting thing about Greg Schiano—people CARE about him, intensely as it turns out. This statement is not a knock on Greg as a human, because I know really nothing about him in that capacity—but more that it’s hard to think of someone who has elicited such fired-up reactions from not one, but two fanbases—and in neither case, was he actually hired by those schools.

Rather infamously, Schiano’s first brush with Twitter infamy came two years ago when he came perilously close to being hired as the new Tennessee football coach. Vol Nation took to Twitter, and actually lost their damn minds. Many attempted to cloak this in moralizing about what Schiano may or may not have known while coaching at Penn State, but to most, it seemed that VolTwitter simply felt they were entitled to a better coach and pitched a hissy when their aspirations were not rewarded. Luckily, this big dreaming has worked out very well for them, and they are a contented, happy, and successful program today.

Now, here’s the twist. News over the weekend that Rutgers and Schiano could NOT come to a deal for him to be the next head coach of the hapless Scarlet Knights was met with an explosion of rage from the Rutgers faithful (yes, I was also surprised they still exist, but they do, on Twitter, at least.) Our own ZuzuRU, long-suffering Rutgers writer, attempted to offer some perspective on the situation with this article yesterday—and as a result, our Twitter account blew up yesterday with Very Mad New Jerseyans. Many were of the flavor of how Zuzu “had no clue” and they definitely did, but this was my personal favorite:


Other Rutgers fans were taking it even better, doing all of the necessary steps including the requisite petition to remove Pat Hobbs as Athletic Director. A sample of the drastic measures adopted by some:

“I’m giving up my tickets. I’m giving up all my giving. And I’m taking Rutgers out of my will,’’ Dolan told NJ Advance Media. “We’re really in a bad situation with the football program. And while it is possible that someone else over time can fix it, Greg is the only person who knows what needs to be done. He’s done it in New Jersey and he would’ve immediately put fans back in the seats, which would start to turn the football program’s bleeding financial fortunes around. Whoever they turn to I hope he is successful; I don’t wish anyone failure. But anybody other than Greg coming into this situation I don’t think will have any clue what they’re in for.’’ -

So yeah, everything is cool in New Jersey. The only human out of 7.5 billion who can fix Rutgers (source: Twitter) is not going to Rutgers. Jesus wept. Hobbs was protested. And somehow, Greg Schiano has launched a thousand Twitter ships —again— for a completely new reason.

Who was tartiest this week?


Tart of the Week - Turkey Edition!

This poll is closed

  • 5%
    A Northwestern Fan Learns Early to Bring Alternative Amusement
    (14 votes)
  • 3%
    Musical Minute with Matt Millen
    (8 votes)
  • 2%
    Disco Dancing with Tim Brando
    (7 votes)
  • 13%
    Maryland Bad
    (34 votes)
  • 1%
    Cats Gains Chunk Yardage
    (4 votes)
  • 8%
    Tom Herman is Broken
    (21 votes)
  • 4%
    Catch Out of Bounds, Sadly
    (12 votes)
  • 1%
    Hog Slam
    (3 votes)
  • 57%
    (142 votes)
245 votes total Vote Now