It is time to rate things on the internet.
A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.
I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.
Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.
There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.
There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse).
The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.
Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.
This week there are five “Buys,” and four “Holds.” The lower number of “Sells” is indicative of a bullish trend on the OTE Index.
Six teams had byes this week - meaning that most every team worth watching did not play. Indiana and Illinois continued turning things around with wins over Northwestern and Rutgers. Purdue keeps finding guys, and keeps fighting, but the attrition is overwhelming. Nebraska has stumbled upon a new art form, while Maryland and Northwestern may have checked out for the season.
Tomorrow is another day.
Ohio State Buckeyes - (Idle) Ohio State is still the class of the conference. This has not changed. Next up: Maryland.
Penn State Nittany Lions - (Idle) Next up: @Minnesota.
Minnesota Golden Gophers - (Idle) Next up: Penn State.
Arguably, this Nit/Gopher clash is the biggest game that Minnesota has played in a generation. On the coaching front, the concentration of performative confidence, baldness, and nebulous flimflammery will reach levels never before seen in the Upper Midwest.
Indiana Hoosiers - (Defeated Northwestern, 34-3) The worm has turned for Windiana. They are 7-2, and will have a puncher’s chance when they meet the Nittany Lions in a couple of weeks. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (@Penn State, 11/16).
Illinois Fighting Illini - (Defeated Rutgers, 38-10) Illinois did what was expected of them — of any team, really — by thumping Rutgers. The Illini are now 5-4, and need one win to become bowl eligible. They will get there — @MSU, @Iowa, Northwestern — with a decent chance of getting there this week. The substantive turn-around keeps the Illini in “Buy” territory. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Michigan State.
Which team is best?
This poll is closed
Michigan Wolverines - (Defeated Maryland, 38-7) Harbaugh’s teams punch down with alacrity. This week was no exception. Michigan gets a week off to prepare for the Spartan juggernaut. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (Michigan State, 11/16).
Iowa Hawkeyes - (Idle) Next up: @Wisconsin.
Wisconsin Badgers - (Idle) Next up: Iowa.
Iowa and Wisconsin will face off this weekend. It might not be accurate to say this will be a good game. It might not be a compelling game. It could, however, be a close game. Most likely, we will have a rock fight for two or three quarters, with Wisconsin pulling away in the fourth. The winner will most likely get an upgrade.
Purdue Boilermakers - (Defeated Nebraska, 31-27) It is true, engineers can do a lot with baling wire and duct tape. Purdue has guts, and they keep coming at you. The third-team quarterback, Aidan O’Connell, came off the bench (due to ANOTHER injury) and went 6-6 for 62 yards in the late game-winning drive against Nebraska. Kudos to Coach Brohm and the team for keeping it together through horrible injury luck. They should hold it together against the Wildcats, but it looks rocky after that. The Boilers are moved to a “Hold” out of pure respect, despite the diminished roster. Next up: @Northwestern.
Which would you least like to play right now?
This poll is closed
Michigan State Spartans - (Idle) Michigan State linebacker Joe Bachie was suspended for a PED violation over the weekend. Yep, the Spartans lost another bye week. Next up: Illinois.
Nebraska Cornhuskers - (Lost to Purdue, 31-27) Against Indiana, Nebraska went 20-23-0 for 294 yards and touchdown, rushed for 220 more...and lost. Against Purdue, the Huskers blocked two punts...and lost. Losing games with stat lines like those takes commitment. It would be too harsh to say it takes a commitment to losing — which would be completely unfair to young people just learning to make their way in the world — but it does take a commitment to NOT winning. It borders on artistry, frankly. Next up: Idle (Wisconsin, 11/16)
Maryland Terrapins - (Lost to Michigan, 38-7) It appears that Maryland has tapped out for the season — but they will reanimate in time to play Nebraska. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree). Next up: @Ohio State.
Northwestern Wildcats - (Lost to Indiana, 34-3) The Wildcat offense is putrid, and the defense is fading — a byproduct of futility. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Purdue.
Rutgers Scarlet Knights - (Lost to Illinois, 38-10) Nobody expected anything more. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Idle (Ohio State, 11/16).
Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.
Which team is best described as "just phoning it in at this point?"
This poll is closed