For all five of you who watched football this weekend, I’m sorry. It was a rotten mess of games, and unless you’re an Illinois fan (hi Thump), there was little cause for much excitement.
Due to the greatly reduced number of games this weekend and the attendant paucity of Tart nominations, this is a little light this week. Still, there’s always something silly, stupid, or downright weird to celebrate in college football.
In Which a UNT-Rex Makes a Routine Media Appearance
University of North Texas beat UTEP big on Saturday, and Mean Green QB Mason Fine threw seven touchdowns—a pretty great night by any measure. But that’s not why he was blowing up Twitter. No, it’s because seized with the Halloween spirit, he marched out to his post-game presser like this:
I don’t usually start this feature with non-Big Ten happenings, but this is one of my favorite things that has happened in football ever, so please enjoy.
In Which the World is Narrowly Deprived of a Primo Fat Guy Touchdown
Everyone knows that a defensive touchdown—one scored by one of the really big guys, not a safety or something—is one of the purest joys that college football has to offer. What follows, then, is literally the only enjoyable thing that Husker fans witnessed on Saturday. After Purdue QB Jack Plummer unwisely chucked the ball directly into the Nebraska defensive line, nose guard Darrion Daniels found himself in the unique position of ball carrier. As he lumbered several yards, coming tantalizingly close to the end zone, his face was a kaleidoscope of emotion, displaying shock, awe, terror, excitement, and ultimately, disappointment. Thanks to the internet, we have this in slow motion and set to Frank Sinatra:
Just beautiful, in every way.
It would have been more exciting for Daniels (and far better for Nebraska) if he’d manage to go all the way here, but Daniels was philosophical about his attempt in the aftermath:
Lol nah man, I was just happy to have the opportunity pic.twitter.com/CrEvPGp4Vo— Darrion Daniels (@DarrionGolden79) November 4, 2019
In Which The Clap Appears in a Rutgers Game, but Not How You’d Expect
Illinois, riding a wave of unaccustomed success, is feeling pretty great about things lately. How do we know? Well, because ahead of the legendary and historic Illinutgers tilt, they just went right ahead and got all up in the business of the boys from Jersey:
"Yeah, they had a clap-off. I don't even know what that is." pic.twitter.com/8h964T9UCV— Big Ten Network (@BigTenNetwork) November 2, 2019
Listen to your friend Billy Zane. It’s a clap-off.
Anyway, Rutgers won neither the clap-off, nor the game, as it was foretold.
In Which Pat Fitzgerald Laments the Modern Youths, Again
Hey, remember that Boomer schtick Northwestern coach Pat Fitzgerald has been trotting out on the weekly at his press conferences this year? Well, new week, new audition for his AARP card:
Fitz: "You hear these guys on their computers over here? (mimes typing motion) There's a lot more stuff going on in our guys' lives than there was 14 years ago."— Inside NU (@insidenu) November 4, 2019
He’s not wrong. The internet and social media brings a new dimension to the experience of college athletes, and to college students in general, and it certainly has its challenges. On the other hand, he’s not the only coach in the country whose athletes have to deal with this, or who has to deal with athletes who are, you know, residents of the 21st century. The most tiring part of his current schtick of railing against modernity, however, is that it seems an obvious evasion of the dreadful performances that have been happening under his watch—and it seems like he’s either unwilling or unable to give a real answer about the very real issues at hand.
Whatever Pat. Just say Millennials killed your offense, and all of your boosters will nod and agree. Or, you know, start reviewing OC resumes.
King of the Tarts this week?
This poll is closed
Darrion Daniels’ Many Emotions
Rutgers Gets The Clap
Pat Fitzgerald Laments the Youths, Part XVII