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Maryland Football 2019 Postmortem: A Boulevard of Broken Dreams

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We Walked a Lonely Road, the Only Road That We Have Ever Known

NCAA Football: Maryland at Michigan State Mike Carter-USA TODAY Sports

This is the first time since 1999 that I failed to attend a Maryland football game. Does this make me incredibly unqualified to develop some sort of post-season write-up for the team? Yes. Would attending a game this season make me any more qualified? No.

You might be asking what led to my ever-so-noble boycott of beautiful Maryland Stadium. Why, as a Maryland alum, who still resides in the general area, would I forego the opportunity to head-out and support my beloved Terrapins? Was it a peaceful protest against the UNJUST firing of D.J. Durkin? Was it general apathy caused by the teams overt failures on the gridiron for most of the decade? OR was it an untimely result of me getting hired at a local brewery that ate up a lot of my previously free Saturdays? I don’t know, you decide! (It’s definitely the Durkin thing)

Anyway, I suppose this postmortem is only for those of you that still find some sort of satisfaction feeding on the misery of mostly indifferent Maryland Terrapins football fans. I imagine that boils down to about a dozen of you, you schadenfreude bastards.

I. Wake Me Up When September Ends

So, technically this happened in August, but Maryland beat Howard and Cam Newton’s little brother by a lot of football scores. Certainly beating Howard, by any amount, is not something one should hang their hat on, but this game went far smoother than I think a lot of Maryland fans expected it to. Let us look at some recent results against other non-FBS opponents.

  • 2007: Win versus Villanova-31-14. 10-7 at the half.
  • 2008: Win versus Delaware-14-7
  • 2009: Win versus James Madison 38-35 (OT)
  • 2011: Win versus Towson-28-3. 7-3 at the half.
  • 2012: Win versus William & Mary-7-6. (My personal favorite)

Moral of the story, Maryland football is hot garbage and we will relish any opportunity we get to curb stomp even the most lowly of competition. We’re Edward Norton and the gang member is a stuffed plush of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. “Does that tickle you cute soft-ass son-of-a-bitch, DOES IT?!?, who’s laughing now?!?!”

Then it happened. 21st ranked Syracuse came to town and we curb stomped them too. Days later we found ourselves ranked for the first time since the invention of the Zune. What do we do? How do we react? Make plans for a trip to a bowl game? Burn a couch? Drink a beer? Drink a beer on a burning couch? I say all of the above. All I, and everyone knew, was that Mike Locksley was going to be the best head football coach this program had ever seen.

September 14th, 2019: The day that the Maryland football program died, at the hands of Temple...again. Although spirits were not entirely broken just yet. How naive we all were, thoughts like “Temple is a solid team”, and “we probably should have won the game”, and “just a bump in the road, on to Penn State” danced on the pages many Maryland boards. Even Testudo Times wasn’t calling for Mike Locksley’s head on a spike....yet.

September 27th, 2019: The day that Penn State dug up the rotting corpse of the Maryland football program, chained it to the back of their drunk uncles Chevrolet SSR, and drug it around in the mud. At this point, any level-headed Maryland fan, if such a thing exists, crashed back to reality and knew this truly was a three-to-four win team. Saturdays in October and November, would yet again, be better spent raking leaves, than watching football.

A vehicular representation of Maryland football uniforms.

II. (Don’t Fear) The Rutgers

“Sometimes two-wins isn’t good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded…”

Wait, is this thing Green Day themed? Music Title themed? Movie Quotes? I don’t know, shut up and enjoy the ride.

50% of our conference wins the past two seasons are versus Rutgers. Our only conference win this season was versus Rutgers. Our only conference win next season will probably come against....Rutgers. Rutgers was our third and final victory of the 2019 campaign. We were like a baby taking candy from a slightly smaller, dumber baby. It was infant on infant crime.

The rest of October was marred by a blow out loss to a terrible Purdue team, a mildly competent showing against the best Indiana team of all time, and getting oar-smacked by Minnesota. Fun Fact: The members of the band O.A.R. are from Maryland, the members of the band Godsmack...are not. BUT, I think we need a collaboration...OAR-Smacked.

Musikfest 2019
“That was a crazy game of Ouija”

III. November Rain

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Old couches on fire off the shoulder of Frat-row. I watched teams recover their own kick-offs on multiple occasions. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain...time to die.”

Watching Maryland football is akin to standing in a cold downpour, but in our case, I think it may last forever. All fan-posts on Testudo Times were now just a flood of redundant pleas to fire Mike Locksley and bench whatever quarterback happened to be starting that week. Because, you know, Maryland is one mediocre head coach, and one 3-star quarterback away from turning the corner. We are, in fact, the Cleveland Browns of college football.

November went about as expected. Blow-out losses to Michigan, Ohio State, Nebraska and...wait...what in the name of Dantonio-Dark Magic was that Michigan State? Maryland gave up an average of 48.6 points to non-Scarlet Big Ten teams and y’all couldn’t even crack twenty...at home! Holy hell, things in East Lansing are far worse than I thought.

IV. Somebody that I Used to Know

”You don’t understand! I could’ve had class. I could’ve been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.”

Okay, so no one really thought Maryland could’ve had class, or been a “contender”. Pretty much every contributor here at OTE picked Maryland to finish between two and five wins. So everyone take a moment to pat yourselves on the back, we all correctly predicted Maryland footballs continued ineptitude!

V. I Will Remember You

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

Wait...is that a movie quote?

Maryland had to say goodbye to a lot of players at season ends, but perhaps most jarring was the loss of Javon Leake and Anthony McFarland to the NFL draft on consecutive days. All of Maryland tips their hats to you for doing your best to run behind an offensive line that, by my estimations, was constructed from old Popsicle sticks and a crude horse-gel. Best of luck to the two of you on your future journeys, and we hope to see you hitting the field on Sundays in the near future.

“I’m just gonna sit ya down right here, nice and easy like”

VI. Won’t Get Fooled Again

“Who’s the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?”

Meet the new boss, same as, or perhaps worse than, the old boss. Somebody get Matt Canada on the phone, where the hell is Canada! Some viewed Mike Locksley as some sort of football messiah, that was going to sweep through the DMV, snatching up all discernible football talent along the way. Others knew that it was pretty much the only hire that made tangible sense after the Durkin fiasco.

Going into the season, many of us knew that a three-win season was a very possible reality, but when preconceived realities become really, actually real, unrelenting realities, well, that realization becomes redundantly revolting. A relapse , instead of a rebound, had us all reminiscing about past relics. “We had Boomer Esiason, y’all!” (My apologies, just another outbreak of my alliteration-tourette’s)

While writing this, I discovered Maryland recently signed another 5-star WR who’s draft stock they can inevitably destroy. So, yea, we’ve got that going for us. Hope springs eternal.

VII. Basketball Jones

“You ain’t no Melo Trimble, you just some wannabe that looks like him! Be gone wannabe, begone!

So for now, we will yet again turn our focus to our grossly over-valued basketball team, and eagerly wait for them to let us down (Edit: We didn’t have to wait long). We have all sworn off football, at least until July rolls around. By then, we will all know, that 2020 is the year!

Our Lord and Savior

Poll

Who is the Better Coach at Maryland

This poll is closed

  • 6%
    Mike Locksley
    (9 votes)
  • 20%
    Mark Turgeon
    (29 votes)
  • 72%
    An Old Moist Towel
    (101 votes)
139 votes total Vote Now

Poll

What is Your Most Quoted Film?

This poll is closed

  • 5%
    Space Jam
    (5 votes)
  • 63%
    Anchorman
    (58 votes)
  • 1%
    Harry and the Henderson
    (1 vote)
  • 2%
    Mac and Me
    (2 votes)
  • 10%
    On the Waterfront
    (10 votes)
  • 14%
    Bridge on the River Kwai
    (13 votes)
  • 2%
    Modern Times
    (2 votes)
91 votes total Vote Now