Good morning, OTE! I hope you had a lovely Christmas and enjoyed the hell out of your late Christmas present, the Motor City Bowl. I wrapped it special for you, and then Pat Narduzzi decided it’d be more fun to get everyone to take tequila shots and start a fight with Mike Glass III.

Also Miami Fluoride got completely shut the fuck out by Louisiana Tech. Yes, the Louisiana Tech Bulldogs. Coached by Skip Holtz. With smilin’ Bob Diaco as their defensive coordinator. Not a single Miami quarterback—not Jarren Williams, not five-star Tate Martell, not N’Kozi Perry—could move the ball on the Bulldogs’ defense, and we were rewarded with a Cheez-It Bowl-esque 14-0 slugfest in Shreveport.

Of course, as today’s bowl games remind us, there can only be one Cheez-It Bowl.

December 27

Military Bowl: North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Temple Owls

Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium, Annapolis, MD
11am | ESPN | UNC -5.5 | O/U 53.5

This is the exact rockfight that we all deserve at 11am on a Friday morning. Grab your bitterest IPA, come see if Sam Howell (35:7 TD:INT) can huck it around a bit on the Temple Tuff defense, and watch the dynamic tandem of Michael Carter and Javonte Williams run around a bit for the Heels.

Of course, on the other sideline it’s Rod Carey, the MAC-cum-AAC equivalent of a Paul Chryst-and-mayonnaise sandwich, so while the QB/WR tandem of Anthony Russo and Branden Mack could find a little success against a leaky UNC defense, I wouldn’t be surprised to watch Re’Mahn Davis barrel forward over and over until even George McClellan stops and says “Y’know, I think this guy’s being a little cautious.”

My Pick: Temple (8 pts)

Pinstripe Bowl: Michigan State Spartans vs. Wake Forest Demon Deacons

Yankee Stadium, New York, NY
2:20pm | ESPN | MSU -4 | O/U 50

Look at things Andrew has to say! You don’t need my ramblings on a team to which I’m completely and utterly resentful.

But enough about Wake Forest.

My Pick: Michigan State (19 pts)

Texas Bowl: #25 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. Texas A&M Aggies

NRG Stadium, Houston, TX
5:45pm | ESPN | TAMU -5.5 | O/U 54

Chuba Hubbard. Chuba Hubbard. Chuba Hubbard. It’s weird to think I’m going to watch an Oklahoma State game for the running back, but there are only a few weeks left in 2019, so why not just go all out? Texas A&M doesn’t force a ton of turnovers and has allowed opponents to go on extended drives, so if the ‘Pokes can grind a few out on the Aggies, I like their chances.

Could you, in 2019, tell me a single thing about Texas A&M? They’ve settled comfortably into “quaint 8-4 team in the SEC West” in my mind, which I’m sure is what they’re paying Jimbo Fisher to do. All seems well.

My Pick: Oklahoma State (13 pts)

Holiday Bowl: #22 USC Trojans vs. #16 Iowa Hawkeyes

SDCCU Stadium, San Diego, CA
7pm | FS1 | Iowa -2.5 | O/U 52.5

Long live Hayden Fry, coach and master troll extraordinaire. We never had a full thread to just tell stories about him—if you’re an Iowa fan (or hell, a fan of any team), I want to hear your Hayden Fry story in the comments.

Obviously he looms large in the Northwestern imagination, having given Pat Fitzgerald and dozens of clever Northwestern fans on the internet the “Hope we didn’t hurt your boys too bad” tagline. But that’s not all—whether the farmer outfit for the Minnesota press, or the guards snapping footballs at Michigan and Fry telling Bo “We don’t intend to punt” or anything else, it’s good to just share those stories. Iowa’s honoring Fry in today’s game:

My Pick: Picking an Iowa bowl game is a suicide mission. Give me USC (5 pts).

Cheez-It Bowl: Air Force Falcons vs. Washington State Cougars

Chase Field, Phoenix, AZ
9:15pm | ESPN | AFA -2.5 | O/U 69

LONG LIVE CHEEZ-IT BOWL:

Now, of course, this is almost the complete opposite—from two teams that don’t show much interest in having an actual, completent offense, to two teams that show interest in offense and nothing but. Apparently S&P+ is still kind of a made-up thing, and Connelly has the margin on this one at 0.2. Let’s get weird in the desert.

And like I said, you never pick against a service academy in a bowl game. I am nothing if logically consistent.

My Pick: Air Force (11 pts)

Here’s your open thread for the day. Usual rules apply; behave yourselves.

But I don’t want to watch fun football!

Honestly I’m not sure why you’re on a Big Ten football blog, then. But here are some other nationally-televised options, in more or less chronological order:

{EPL} Wolves vs. Manchester City [1:45pm, NBCSN]
{NBA} Cleveland Cavaliers at Boston Celtics [3pm, NBAtv]
{CBB} UMass Lowell River Hawks at Dr. Loyola Greyhounds [6pm, PLtv]
{CBB} Coppin State Eagles at Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers [6pm, MSMtv]
{NBA} Philadelphia 76ers at Orlando Magic [6pm, NBAtv]
{NHL} Minnesota Wild at Colorado Avalanche [7pm, NBCSN]
{NBA} Phoenix Suns at Golden State Warriors [9:30pm, NBAtv]

If those games aren’t enough to convince you to watch Michigan State-Wake Forest, I don’t know what will be.