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The Ferentz Family Takes a Vacation

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Scene: Coach's Office, Department of Athletics, University of Iowa

kirk
Another Signing Day in the books. We didn't flip as many Kent State recruits as I thought we would, Brian, but I'm still pleased.

brian
That's great, Dad, now have you given that Rams tape I sent you any thoug--

kirk As a matter of fact, I have. I couldn't believe how well Johnny Hekker played.

brian ok i dont even know where you got that tape

kirk Outplayed only by Ryan Allen, I'd wager. I thought for sure the Rams would win.

brian Did you watch any of the hurry-up offen--

kirk You should've seen me when Hekker's punt rolled 65 yards. I nearly stood up out of my chair. Your mother had to put her hand on my knee to keep me from exclaiming!

brian the tape clearly said rams-chiefs i dont know where you even got thi--

kirk And two punts inside the ten by New England! My goodness, Brian, the things we can do with this film! Forget that five-alarm dip you brought, the punting was spicy enough!

brian that was hummus--

kirk Brian, I have been thinking. How would you like to take a vacation with me?

brian Wait, really? Something more exciting than fishing at the Coralville Dam? Like I can buy you an actual fishing rod and some lures instead of that cane pole you insist on mak--

kirk Yes, yes, something really exotic! [/presses buzzer] Stacy?

buzer
Yes, Coach?

kirk Book those flights we talked about!

buzer Again, coach, I don't think you know where you're goi--

kirk Where I'm going, Stacy, is where it all began! Now please book the tickets. Money is no object here.

flight

o'hare

brian Wow, Chicago! Are we going to go up the Willis Tower?

kirk Don't be absurd, Brian. First, it's the Sears Tower. Second, it's ostentatious to leave the ground for that long. Next thing you'll tell me we should be passing the ball more than 20 times a game...

brian ok first sears is bankrup--

kirk ...and next thing you'll tell me we should have both tight ends on the field for the majority of our snaps!

brian [begins to bleed out the ears]

kirk Come along now, Brian, we have to catch our next flight!

flight

dubai intl

brian Dad, I really don't think--

kirk [/sniffs] It's too flashy, all this oil wealth. It's a shame these sheikhs haven't earned their money the old-fashioned way: A couple shared Big Ten Championships 15 years ago.

announcement
Next flight to Bosaso, leaving in 30 minutes.

kirk My goodness, Brian! Come along, or we'll miss our flight! This is it, son! We're finally going!

flight

brian ...

kirk [/wipes tear]

brian ...

kirk We've made it! Now let's head off and find our next graduate transfer. A vacation-turned-recruiting trip! Oh, Brian...

brian Fuck.