The Ferentz Family Takes a Vacation

Scene: Coach's Office, Department of Athletics, University of Iowa

Another Signing Day in the books. We didn't flip as many Kent State recruits as I thought we would, Brian, but I'm still pleased.

That's great, Dad, now have you given that Rams tape I sent you any thoug--

As a matter of fact, I have. I couldn't believe how well Johnny Hekker played.

ok i dont even know where you got that tape

Outplayed only by Ryan Allen, I'd wager. I thought for sure the Rams would win.

Did you watch any of the hurry-up offen--

You should've seen me when Hekker's punt rolled 65 yards. I nearly stood up out of my chair. Your mother had to put her hand on my knee to keep me from exclaiming!

the tape clearly said rams-chiefs i dont know where you even got thi--

And two punts inside the ten by New England! My goodness, Brian, the things we can do with this film! Forget that five-alarm dip you brought, the punting was spicy enough!

that was hummus--

Brian, I have been thinking. How would you like to take a vacation with me?

Wait, really? Something more exciting than fishing at the Coralville Dam? Like I can buy you an actual fishing rod and some lures instead of that cane pole you insist on mak--

Yes, yes, something really exotic! [/presses buzzer] Stacy?

Yes, Coach?

Book those flights we talked about!

Again, coach, I don't think you know where you're goi--

Where I'm going, Stacy, is where it all began! Now please book the tickets. Money is no object here.

Wow, Chicago! Are we going to go up the Willis Tower?

Don't be absurd, Brian. First, it's the Sears Tower. Second, it's ostentatious to leave the ground for that long. Next thing you'll tell me we should be passing the ball more than 20 times a game...

ok first sears is bankrup--

...and next thing you'll tell me we should have both tight ends on the field for the majority of our snaps!

[begins to bleed out the ears]

Come along now, Brian, we have to catch our next flight!

Dad, I really don't think--

[/sniffs] It's too flashy, all this oil wealth. It's a shame these sheikhs haven't earned their money the old-fashioned way: A couple shared Big Ten Championships 15 years ago.

Next flight to Bosaso, leaving in 30 minutes.

My goodness, Brian! Come along, or we'll miss our flight! This is it, son! We're finally going!

...

[/wipes tear]

...

We've made it! Now let's head off and find our next graduate transfer. A vacation-turned-recruiting trip! Oh, Brian...

Fuck.