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I Hate You, I Love You, I Hate That I Love You: A Very Big Ten Valentine’s Day

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Our feelings towards our favorite teams are... complicated.

Shall I compare thee to an autumn’s day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

Rough winds do shake the darling punts of May,

And autumn’s games hath all too short a date.

—MNW

Happy Valentine’s Day! A day where you do something nice for people you love, or you act like you’re way too cool for all of that and write about your edgy abstention from the holiday on every form of social media you can access so that everyone knows you’re not a slave to corporate sales machinations, man. Your choice!

We here at OTE aren’t so concerned with whatever you decide to do. But we decided to ring in the holiday with a few well-chosen words for our favorite teams. Well, most of us did. If your team isn’t on here, your team’s writer is either the super-cool “doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day” kind of person, or they’re sort of revolted by your team right now. You know how it is—as the modern poet Andre 3000 once said, “Nothing lasts forever! Then what makes it then what makes it then what makes it then what makes it then what makes love the exception?”

Mayhap your team will earn a valentine next year.

Minnesota

Love notes courtesy of WhiteSpeedReciever:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

No, Richard Pitino,

You won’t get a 2020 W-2.

WSR only got more romantic after the Gophers dropped a close one to reeling Nebraska in Lincoln:

Roses are red

Water sits in a toilet

Richard’s going to have 30 days

To file for unemployment

Awww.

WSR chooses you not, Richard. :(

Rose is a bowl game

Flowers all grow

wisconsin is trash

ROW ROW ROW ROW ROW!

I assume that has returned WSR to equilibrium.

Michigan

Rutgers is red

Michigan is blue

But in the B1G East

Harbaugh peaked at place 2

—Creighton

Northwestern

so much depends

upon

a vic law

jumper

clanged off the

iron

beside my scattered

brains.

—MNW

I admit this is well done, although of course the Northwestern guy chooses to pay tribute to the most overrated garbage poet of all time. (Come after me, #WCWNation)

Big Ten West

The Big Ten West, mediocre are thee

Expending your punts in vain.

Realign your divisions and share with me

All Indiana’s pain.

—MNW

Purdue

Roses are red

Of violets, I’ve plenty

But you bring me joy

Like forty-nine twenty.

—MNW

Roses are red,

Show love to your kicker,

A fake punt is as pretty,

As a well done fleaflicker.

—Boilerman31

Love poem by Boilerman

Nebraska

There once was a team from Lincoln

Whose play pushed fans to start drinkin’

So they hired Coach Frost

To reduce games that they lost

But it went less smoothly than they were thinkin’

—Townie

Huskers are red

Our fanbase was blue

But we still love Coach Frost

Even though we lost... and lost... and lost

—BRT

Yes, we will accept your rose.

Rutgers

Love hurts.

My team needs big bucks

But our program's full share

Was pushed to 2027

I've turned to despair.

—Zuzu

Penn State

Rutgers is scarlet

Penn State is blue

All I want for my bad knights

Is to simply beat you

—Zuzu

Iowa

Iowa fans are annoying

As winners, we’re sore

So never forget

55-24

—Creighton

The upset was big

The surprise of the night

But we still think it’s lame

When your greatness amounts to only one game

—BRT

Fran’s face is red

’Cats will win easily

But look out Northwestern

It’s Bohannon for 3!

—Creighton

roses are red

violets are blue

that didn’t even rhyme

fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU

—MNW

There you have it—the sum total of our love for our teams, written in prose so beautiful it would make The Bard 3000 weep. These are pretty fun to write, so let’s hear what you’ve got in the comments!