2019 Big Ten Tournament Pick’Em: Results and Essays

Alright, first things first, let’s go right to the results:

Big congrats to Andyrew! Please contact us and we’ll get you published! Also, I want to shout out to TheJrod, who was the highest ranked entry without getting the winner correct, he beat out several entries that actually got the winner right. And I want everyone to point and laugh at zsds, who got the very first game correct, and not a single one afterwards. Nicely done!

Now onto what you all came to see, the essays. Now, I may have not gotten to this last year, and I realize why. You people are NOT very creative of funny. Lots of crap to wade through. Anyway, let’s get to some of the best.

Hiakus:

Yeah, of course I’m going to include the Hiakus.

I hate flopsconsin

Playing defense the “right way”

Davison flops, tweet

- Chitownhawkeye

Wisconsin Badgers

Is it even basketball?

Draining to witness

- Alltheiowanamesaretaken

Zero is the number

National Championships

They don’t have the axe

- Kingkoch32

No Front Court at all

Happ unable to shoot free throws

all shooting suspect

General Disgust:

If given the choice I would prefer not to think about wisconsin, the genital wart of the upper midwest.

- MNWildcat

Nothing against the people of wisconsin, I just think they’re objectively worse than people from anywhere else. This includes the BADger teams, the school itself, the state as a whole and all their professional sports teams as well. If your entire NFL team is held together by a single, thin collar bone then your NFL team is terrible. wisconsin can’t drink as much as they think they can either. Both the Dakota’s are better at it. Spotted Cow is average. Shawn Eichorst is from wisconsin. A bunch of smelly, cheese sucking ditch-rats.

- SDWYO

They more trash that Michigan and ohio state fans combined

- Jad Safadi

It should be accepted without debate that wisconsin is the fucking worst. It has the self-importance of Michigan fans with the history and winning traditions of Purdue. The food is average, the beer is overrated, and humanity would be much better off if the whole thing would be submerged into the great lakes.

- WhiteSpeedReceiver

spotted cow is repackaged miller lite

- duckettherbiemsu

Roses are red, Michigan is blue, I hate Wisconsin, and you probably should too.

- Candystripes for Breakfast

The state, the university, or the people? If all 3, a short essay cannot suffice.

- Josiah

I put a lot of thought into this last year and the essays were never posted. I have therefore determined that it is Stewmonkey13 who is the worst.

- Green 96

You know what? Fine, lemme go back and see.

Wisconsin is wholly abysmal

The worst in all the land

No other sports team is so dismal

No playing style so bland

Their run of tourney bids ends this year

As all bad things must end

This Big Ten Tourney we all will cheer

For bloody Maryland

Their repugnance shows no signs of stopping

Their offense no signs of life

Wisconsin’s game is constant flopping

Their defense bitter strife

For this and more is why I hate

The B 1 G’s most vile state

- Green 96

Ok, fine, that was pretty damn good.

Halloween of 2009 was my only experience in Madison. I stepped out of a bar to see The Count (from Sesame Street) being handcuffed and pushed into the back of a squad car. What kind of monsters would do that to a figure beloved by millions of children? Ones from wisconsin, that’s who.

- Broated Nutcrackle

Personal, hurtful, but true:

so terrible that beez is their most presentable fan

- glassjawsh

The Existential:

Why

- bw042

Penn State 36 - Wisconsin 33. March 11, 2011

- ChrisHarrell’s_stache05

I cannot perform this task very well bc in addition to being a Purdue fan (sue me), I am also a Wisco fan. Instead I shall type for you The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. beep A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. ding Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start

Sincerely, SDB

PS: Stew. A serious question here. When was the last time your black and yellow players defeated wisconsin in EITHER supreme sport? [Editor’s note: 1/23/2018, Iowa 85, wisconsin 67]

- SharpDressedBoiler

January 11, 2015

- wankerman

The Prescient:

Wisconsin is so bad nebraska will win more conference tournament games than them

- BoilerUp89

wisconsin responds, poorly:

Oh, and while we’re here, let me tell you, some wisconsin fans were not very appreciative of my prompt. How so? Well, let’s take a look.

Wisconsin is going to win the big ten tournment because they have the best path. They will play maryland which they will win because happ will not be stopped then they will play michigan State and they beat us once this year but because they couldn’t miss from deep as well as they have ward. Then they will beat michigan in the championchip because michgan is overrated and don’t sleep on iverson on the badgers he is a sleeper and they will make a deep run in the big dance as well.

- Tyler Salaj

Whoever made this poll is a big piece of garbage and deserves to not be living on this planet anymore, you little scrub. Go watch Darts nerd.

- Nate

I think Wisconsin will win the Big Ten Tournament. Every year ESPN, CBS, and other well-known networks always give Wisconsin a bad reputation. They have Ethan Happ, Pritzel, Trice, Iverson and Reuvers. This is a great example of how you are trying to brainwash fans. Wisconsin has and will continue to dominate the BIG ten and go deep in the NCAA tournament. Lets see here, we knocked off #1 Villanova in the tournament, beat Xavier on a buzzer beater, made it to the final four two years in a row, and almost beat Duke in the championship. This a great example of how uneducated you are and how you constantly beat down on Wisconsin. Wisconsin will continue to shock the nation, but the year after that, they go back to their hole and beat down on Wisconsin. Great work you have here SB nation, go back to sucking off michigan and michigan state. State has always choked in the tournament and will continue to do so this year.

- Gabe Brown

I shit you not, Gabe here sent me 2 followup hate emails.