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Please decide the most damning part of this list: Northwestern’s best head-to-head the last 10 years

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THE ANSWER MAY (OK, PROBABLY SHOULDN’T) SHOCK YOU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iV8pnSwNWI

Northwestern Wildcats football is not particularly good. But they make you mad anyways.

There, I said it.

You knew this, Minnesota fan who counts Northwestern as a “win” every year in the too-early preseason record prediction because “Minnesota should beat Northwestern,” then is baffled when just shouting POSITIVE THINKING! at a wall does not win Big Ten football games.

You knew this, wisconsin fan who comes to Ryan Field thinking Joel Stave won’t be asked to throw the ball 90% of the time in the red zone.

You knew this, Iowa fan, because you swear a lot about how Pat Fitzgerald’s devil magic breaks your quarterbacks and causes your running backs/onside kickmen to fumble and leads your coach to lose his faculties and run the ball into the line 75% of the line instead of the usual 65%.

But not everybody knows this.

And that led me to ask: Who has been, historically, the best and worst against my beloved Wildcats in the 10 seasons of my “true” Northwestern fandom (read: since I started undergrad)?

I’ll leave some space for you to guess (go ahead! pull out a pad of paper and do it).

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Ladies and gentlemen, the list (from worst—for the ‘Cats—to first):

13. Michigan Wolverines (0-6)

12. Ohio State Buckeyes (0-3)

11. Penn State Nittany Lions (2-5)

THAT’S IT FOR THE LOSING RECORDS!

Seriously, you clowns. Look yourselves in the goddamn eye right this instant. Think, “Wow, that sure is a shitty football program...and yet I, a fan of a team surely vastly superior to the dumb old Northwestern Wildcats, cannot claim that my team has a winning record against them!”

How does that feel?

Really. Let it burn in. Chew on it for a bit.

I won’t start the rest of the list until you’re ready.

Remember: From here on out, since 2009—the last decade, or 10 years, a perfectly arbitrary yet somehow culturally-meaningful period of time in the Western world—your team does not actually have a winning record against the team that brought you Division 1’s longest losing streak, fans who rushed the field to celebrate a loss, a team who has given me this gif that is surely futility, defined:

doing the Lord’s work for once, MGoBlog.

T-9. Michigan State Spartans (4-4)

T-9. wisconsin badgers (4-4)

8. Nebraska Cornhuskers (4-4)

Their excuse is that they’ve only been here 8 years. Or maybe they should be 10th...I’ll get back to you on this one.

Anyways, this ends teams with a .500 record against the Northwestern Wildcats. To review, this is a team which has lost 661 games, second-most in all of NCAA Division 1 football. A team which boasts a winning percentage of .449, third-worst of all Power-5 conference schools. A team that, before 2013, had won exactly one bowl game in its entire existence.

Do you not see your team here?

Your team has not managed to win 50% of their games against this shit school since 2009.

You should feel bad.

We will continue.

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T-6. Minnesota Golden Gophers (6-4)

T-6. Iowa Hawkeyes (6-4)

5. Illinois Fighting Illini (7-3)

T-3. Maryland Terrapins (1-0)

T-3. Rutgers Scarlet Knights (1-0)

2. Purdue Boilermakers (6-1)

1. Indiana Hoosiers (5-0)


I will let you, at this point, decide who to feel worst for.

Poll

How’d your team fare?

This poll is closed

  • 31%
    Great! Beating Northwestern sure isn’t very hard!
    (59 votes)
  • 18%
    Just fine—a .500 record is a totally respectable thing to have against a team which considered following UChicago and dropping to D-III football.
    (35 votes)
  • 10%
    I am a Maryland or Rutgers fan; that I am invited to this conversation is a blessing that has rescued my fucking pathetic football program from irrelevance and bankruptcy.
    (20 votes)
  • 39%
    Fuck you, MNW.
    (75 votes)
189 votes total Vote Now

Poll

Who should be most embarrassed here?

This poll is closed

  • 7%
    Penn State, that they lost a game to Northwestern at all. Thank GOD nothing embarrassing happened with their offensive line in one of those losses.
    (17 votes)
  • 32%
    wisconsin, that they have been to multiple Big Ten Championships while losing half their games to illustrious Northwestern
    (76 votes)
  • 4%
    Nebraska—TOM OSBORNE never lost to Northwestern!!!!1!!!11!!11!
    (10 votes)
  • 2%
    Nebraska—FRANK SOLICH never lost to Northwestern!!!!1!!!11!!11!
    (7 votes)
  • 18%
    Fire Kirk Ferentz
    (44 votes)
  • 15%
    Minnesota will TOTALLY beat Northwestern in 2019; definite W on the schedule
    (37 votes)
  • 18%
    I am an Illinois/Indiana/Maryland/Purdue/Rutgers fan; embarrassment is my default
    (44 votes)
235 votes total Vote Now