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Northwestern Wildcats football is not particularly good. But they make you mad anyways.
There, I said it.
You knew this, Minnesota fan who counts Northwestern as a “win” every year in the too-early preseason record prediction because “Minnesota should beat Northwestern,” then is baffled when just shouting POSITIVE THINKING! at a wall does not win Big Ten football games.
You knew this, wisconsin fan who comes to Ryan Field thinking Joel Stave won’t be asked to throw the ball 90% of the time in the red zone.
You knew this, Iowa fan, because you swear a lot about how Pat Fitzgerald’s devil magic breaks your quarterbacks and causes your running backs/onside kickmen to fumble and leads your coach to lose his faculties and run the ball into the line 75% of the line instead of the usual 65%.
But not everybody knows this.
And that led me to ask: Who has been, historically, the best and worst against my beloved Wildcats in the 10 seasons of my “true” Northwestern fandom (read: since I started undergrad)?
I’ll leave some space for you to guess (go ahead! pull out a pad of paper and do it).
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Ladies and gentlemen, the list (from worst—for the ‘Cats—to first):
13. Michigan Wolverines (0-6)
12. Ohio State Buckeyes (0-3)
11. Penn State Nittany Lions (2-5)
THAT’S IT FOR THE LOSING RECORDS!
Seriously, you clowns. Look yourselves in the goddamn eye right this instant. Think, “Wow, that sure is a shitty football program...and yet I, a fan of a team surely vastly superior to the dumb old Northwestern Wildcats, cannot claim that my team has a winning record against them!”
How does that feel?
Really. Let it burn in. Chew on it for a bit.
I won’t start the rest of the list until you’re ready.
Remember: From here on out, since 2009—the last decade, or 10 years, a perfectly arbitrary yet somehow culturally-meaningful period of time in the Western world—your team does not actually have a winning record against the team that brought you Division 1’s longest losing streak, fans who rushed the field to celebrate a loss, a team who has given me this gif that is surely futility, defined:
T-9. Michigan State Spartans (4-4)
T-9. wisconsin badgers (4-4)
8. Nebraska Cornhuskers (4-4)
Their excuse is that they’ve only been here 8 years. Or maybe they should be 10th...I’ll get back to you on this one.
Anyways, this ends teams with a .500 record against the Northwestern Wildcats. To review, this is a team which has lost 661 games, second-most in all of NCAA Division 1 football. A team which boasts a winning percentage of .449, third-worst of all Power-5 conference schools. A team that, before 2013, had won exactly one bowl game in its entire existence.
Do you not see your team here?
Your team has not managed to win 50% of their games against this shit school since 2009.
You should feel bad.
We will continue.
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T-6. Minnesota Golden Gophers (6-4)
T-6. Iowa Hawkeyes (6-4)
5. Illinois Fighting Illini (7-3)
T-3. Maryland Terrapins (1-0)
T-3. Rutgers Scarlet Knights (1-0)
2. Purdue Boilermakers (6-1)
1. Indiana Hoosiers (5-0)
I will let you, at this point, decide who to feel worst for.
Poll
How’d your team fare?
This poll is closed
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31%
Great! Beating Northwestern sure isn’t very hard!
(59 votes) -
18%
Just fine—a .500 record is a totally respectable thing to have against a team which considered following UChicago and dropping to D-III football.
(35 votes) -
10%
I am a Maryland or Rutgers fan; that I am invited to this conversation is a blessing that has rescued my fucking pathetic football program from irrelevance and bankruptcy.
(20 votes) -
39%
Fuck you, MNW.
(75 votes)
Poll
Who should be most embarrassed here?
This poll is closed
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7%
Penn State, that they lost a game to Northwestern at all. Thank GOD nothing embarrassing happened with their offensive line in one of those losses.
(17 votes) -
32%
wisconsin, that they have been to multiple Big Ten Championships while losing half their games to illustrious Northwestern
(76 votes) -
4%
Nebraska—TOM OSBORNE never lost to Northwestern!!!!1!!!11!!11!
(10 votes) -
2%
Nebraska—FRANK SOLICH never lost to Northwestern!!!!1!!!11!!11!
(7 votes) -
18%
Fire Kirk Ferentz
(44 votes) -
15%
Minnesota will TOTALLY beat Northwestern in 2019; definite W on the schedule
(37 votes) -
18%
I am an Illinois/Indiana/Maryland/Purdue/Rutgers fan; embarrassment is my default
(44 votes)