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Noah Fant’s Draft Stock Plummets Because He Doesn’t Drive A Big Dumb Truck [satire]

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NFL teams shy away from a player who didn’t base his entire personality on Dodge Ram commercials

NFL: Combine Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

A leaked scouting report from an anonymous NFL scout shows that former Iowa tight end Noah Fant’s draft stock, previously thought to be somewhere in the first round, may be falling. While praising his ability to split out wide, his blistering 4.50 40-yard dash, 39.5 inch vertical and 19 career touchdowns on just 78 receptions, the report was critical of some of the more intangible aspects to the prospect:

“Fant’s measurables would make him one of the better wide receiver prospects in the draft. As a tight end he’s simply too big for a corner to cover him and too fast for a linebacker; with the retirement of Rob Gronkowski he has the potential to be the NFL’s next great mismatch, much the dismay of the 31 defensive coordinators who may have to face him at some point. But can you trust him to unleash that potential in the NFL? I don’t think he’s got it in him- I don’t think Noah wants to be a real man.
Instead of driving a 20 year old pickup truck with a 14 inch lift and no air conditioning sporting mild rust around the tailgate, Noah spent his days in Iowa City riding around on a moped. He told me that as an unpaid college athlete he was unable to afford a car or pay for gas and that his scooter was the best option for getting from classes to practice on time, but if that’s the case why did he use the advance he got from his agent to buy a Mercedes C-Class coupe like a sissy instead of a man’s truck?
And that’s not just a one-off event: I also found some incriminating photos on social media that showed him holding a glass of wine. Where’s his sense of masculinity? Why wasn’t he holding a can of Bud Heavy or a whisky? These are serious personality flaws that need to be addressed before I would ever consider taking him prior to the third round. The reality of the situation is that if Noah wants to prove that football truly is important to him he’s going to have to start doing manly things like wearing boots, waving flags, and repressing his feelings until it becomes a personality disorder.”

The report went on for several more paragraphs about how rap music shouldn’t count as art.

This comes just days after a report on former Pro-Bowl lineman and Super Bowl champion Kelechi Osemele was circulating on Reddit message boards and Twitter.

Considering that Osemele hasn’t won a Super Bowl since 2013 and currently plays for a team as bad as the New York Jets (for a mere $10 million per year), perhaps these scouts are on to something and totally not just writing some bullshit “detail oriented” analysis that they hope will make them sound smart.

Poll

How could Noah Fant best establish his masculinity for NFL scouts?

This poll is closed

  • 18%
    Walk a girl home after their first date, make some light small talk to show that he likes her, and then leave and go home
    (58 votes)
  • 23%
    Let other people talk at book club tonight-It’s good to hear other people’s perspectives
    (73 votes)
  • 14%
    Practice some important self-care by treating himself to a pedicure
    (45 votes)
  • 15%
    Learn to do household chores before anyone tells him to
    (48 votes)
  • 29%
    Text that girl from before in the morning and say he had a great time
    (93 votes)
317 votes total Vote Now