Just say no to Rutgers!

A few years ago outgoing B1G commissioner Jim Delany (most likely) thought he struck gold by adding BTN carriage fees from millions of cable tv subscribers in New Jersey and the NYC area by inviting the school Tony Soprano spent months at: The State Barber and Clown College of New Jersey, also known as Buttgers.

(Ed note: for those of you who subscribe to cable tv, a carriage fee is what a cable channel charges a cable operator to carry the channel. I think Disney charges everyone 9 dollars a month for ESPN, and it’s most likely on everyone’s cable bill before adding other packages).

Jim, let me tell ya, you made a bad investment. Yes, you might seem happy those poor schmucks in the garden state aren’t full members yet but really, what has this investment brought you?

You do realize the school you bought has been nothing but clownfraud trasch on the football field, right?

Oh, fine, they had a decent first year. You’re from New Jersey, so even you must have been beaming with pride when they defeated Michigan in 2014. That season was the high point of their career in the big ten.

Who the hell in their right mind wants to see a school that has zero football tradition outside of founding the damn game and playing little league football for 100+ years (ok, with like five decent moments) take up valuable advertising time on fall Saturdays?

You placed an utterly incompetent team coached by men who would drown swimming in a kiddie pool in the B1G East. Do Ohio State fans want to go to New Jersey to see the Buckeyes annihilate a team would struggle against a JV high school squad?

That might be generous. The clown show from New Jersey would struggle against a high school freshman team.

Michigan State fans want nothing to do with Rutgers. They want to play teams in the west every year instead of going to NJ.

Michigan fans might not mind Rutgers while their mercurial head coach tries to figure out how to get above the Marc Richt line and actually win a division and the conference. Let alone beat their rivals. They’ll take the easy win, even if it’s beneath them to do so.

Penn State fans have nothing but utter disdain for their neighbors to the east.

Maryland fans probably don’t care one way or the other since their new too. At least they haven’t been an utter embarrassment.

I must admit, Indiana and Rutgers fans have a spicy little rivalry for the crown of crap going, but what does that give you monetarily?

Let’s talk about Rutgers football:

Rutgers football is so bad it is the leading cause of vaccine skepticism (and measles) in the garden state.

Rutgers football is so bad it is like being forced to watch Caddyshack 2 against your will.

Rutgers football is so bad it’s like being stuck on a train with a vagrant that hasn’t bathed in days that just farted. Or worse.

Rutgers football is so bad it’s like being a fan of the LA Clippers in the Don Sterling era.

Rutgers football is so bad it’s like you drink Malört for the first time and you aren’t repulsed. You actually enjoy it.

Rutgers football is so bad it actually causes people to like inflatable mascots.

Salt Creek and Stadium.

Rutgers football is so bad it is the reason Half Life Two: Episode Three never came out. What the Fucktgers!

Rutgers football is so bad it causes brides and grooms to fall violently ill on their wedding days. Of all the days!

Rutgers football is so bad it causes chatty Cathy’s to talk incessantly to the cashier at the express lane at the grocery store.

Rutgers football is so bad it’s the leading cause of hemorrhoids in the garden state.

Rutgers football is so bad it’s the cause of your roommate’s/spouses/partner’s incessant snoring that keeps you up all night.

Rutgers football is so bad it’s like forgetting to pee before watching a three hour movie in a movie theater that you do not want to miss a single minute of.

Rutgers football is so bad it is the leading cause of ghosting dates on Tinder in New York City. Let me clarify: it’s so bad it’s the reason a substantial amount of AshleyMadison.com dates are ghosted in New York City.

Rutgers football is so bad people would rather listen to Nickelback.

Rutgers football is so bad it is the reason Warner Brothers can’t compete with Marvel at the box office for superhero movies.

Rutgers football is so bad it caused my Rutgers writing colleague Ray Ransom to become hopelessly devoted to a subpar beer from wisconsin: Leinenkugel’s summer Shandy!

Ray, there are most likely better shandys from your home state!

Commissioner Delany, just make like Nancy Reagan and just say no to Rutgers football!

M1EK

And a reminder: Think you can hate better than the haters? Write your own Fanpost! As part of B1G 2019 (see article for terms), we’ll front-page any editorially-appropriate Hate, and the best will earn the writer a front-paged Fanpost of their choosing.