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The heroes from the corn are coming off of two 4-8 seasons, but that has put them where they are now, which is the perfect place to be! Some of you insist on harping on the negative - that Nebraska is just a shadow of its former self. That the talent cupboard is bare, and that it will take time to reach even a consistently mediocre level of football. Pshaw! Conference champions, at least. It is going to happen.

Nebby will catch people sleeping. Nobody believes Nebraska will win the conference this year, and that is exactly why they will! In fact, I think it was a brilliant tactic by Coach Frost to lay this deep in the weeds. Losing to Troy? Getting beaten THAT BADLY by the Wolverines in the Big House? Giving up a 99 yard drive in the final moments (when NW had no timeouts, IIRC)? Not epic failures, but a higher genius at work! Rope-a-dope, baby.

Offensive Line. Hey, there are a bunch of dudes coming back. They learned how to dominate this year through thoroughly NOT DOMINATING last year. So, the team couldn’t convert a fourth-and-short, but that has taught us all the ways NOT TO CONVERT SHORT YARDAGE. The process of elimination is at work. How many ways can you run a dive? Surely the brain trust has found the optimal solution. I predict first downs. First downs aplenty!

Quarterback. If Adrian Martinez portrayed Uncle Rico, we would all say he was being too modest. The man has a cannon for an arm, runs like a deer, and makes the correct decisions in Planck time increments. He is gonna have a great year.

Running Back. We don’t know who the top running back is going to be. We have one running back in legal limbo. We have a couple of in-state guys coming back. We have a bunch of guys coming to campus. IT DOESN’T MATTER. The principle of eliminating all that does not work will immediately lead the crack coaching staff to a plan that WILL WORK. These guys should plan on getting the ball, looking up, and seeing nothing but green grass ahead of them. Let us all start thinking of touchdown celebrations.

Receiving Corps. Hey, we have JD Spielman. Everyone else should just give up.

The Coaching Staff. Listen, we have our own homegrown Golden God. This dude led the Cornhuskers to a national championship a mere twenty-two years ago. It is just like riding a bike! He has his people in place, and they are a cohesive group. Look, he had a perfect season at UCF - a national title, even - it should be EXACTLY THE SAME this year. I see parallels. Hell, I see a mirror image!

The Recruits. Every player will instantly become better simply by coming into contact with the Husker program. All those trophies. All those weights. All those PICTURES. Osmosis alone will alter these young men at a MOLECULAR LEVEL. The passion will transfigure them mentally, emotionally, and yes...spiritually. When they take the field the first time, they will be philosopher princes of football, the oak that was once an acorn. Lincoln can do that to a man.

The Fans. The fans will remain humble...also very good looking.

The Defense. The defense will be fine.

Keep hope alive! GBR.

Still don’t know who this is? Congrats on your cultural illiteracy.


Let’s play the Glad Game. Which part of my analysis is MOST TRENCHANT?

This poll is closed

  • 13%
    Nebraska will catch people sleeping.
    (12 votes)
  • 2%
    Offensive Line.
    (2 votes)
  • 11%
    (10 votes)
  • 2%
    Running Back.
    (2 votes)
  • 1%
    Receiving Corps.
    (1 vote)
  • 1%
    Coaching Staff.
    (1 vote)
  • 2%
    The Recruits.
    (2 votes)
  • 13%
    The Fans.
    (12 votes)
  • 6%
    The Defense.
    (6 votes)
  • 16%
    Pete Mote.
    (14 votes)
  • 28%
    I just want to affirm that Dead Read is a paragon.
    (25 votes)
87 votes total Vote Now