Nebraska’s Corn is Pathetic and Impotent

The hardest part about deciding to write the hate piece for Nebraska week was trying to figure out which angle to take. There’s only so many things we can make fun of each other for, and I feel like we’ve checked about every one of those boxes over the last few years. I decided to do something a little different this year: I’m not going to waste time dunking on their football program because I’m not going to damage the fans’ egos more than the team itself has done. What am I going to say, “something something 90’s references, something something Lil’ Red, blah blah blah the Big Eight was a joke”...whatever it’s all been done before.

No, to say your football team, and by extension university (that’s how it works, right?) are subordinate to Iowa is to miss the point: Your entire state is subordinate to Iowa. Today’s discussion will be about Nebraska’s third rate corn and absolutely nothing else.

Nebraska’s official nickname is “The Cornhusker State”, but according to my sources at Wikipedia they’re only 3rd nationally in corn production.

To put this in perspective, imagine if Wyoming started calling itself “The State With All the Alcoholics”. Slow down, cowboy, you can’t just claim that and make us all forget that wisconsin exists. No, if Nebraska should make us think of anything, it should be that their rush defense allowed 200 yards per game last year (this was actually an improvement from the year before). Sorry, back to the corn.

Last year Iowa farms yielded 2,508,800,000 bushels compared to 1,787,520,000 bushels from Nebraska. Your entire identity is built around husking corn, yet you’ve barely got more corn to husk than than they do in Minnesota. What are you even doing with yourselves?

Quantity is one thing, but what about quality? Let’s dive further into this silo shaped rabbit hole, shall we? Nebraska yields just 178 bushels per acre compared to Iowa’s 203 bushels per acre. In fact, Nebraska farmland hasn’t yielded more bushels per acre than the Hawkeye State since 1991. Iowa’s 4 game win streak in football doesn’t seem so bad anymore, does it? Sorry, back to corn.

Here are some other states that yield more corn per acre than Nebraska does: Minnesota, Oregon, Idaho, Arizona, California...you don’t really think of those states being big corn producers, do you? And yet if you compare how efficient their farmers are, farms in the arid and unforgiving Arizona Desert of all places will win every harvest season. As long as we’re on the subject of winning seasons, I should point out that the Nebraska football team has exactly one in the last 4 years. What was I talking about again? Ah yes, corn.

Why am I wasting SB Nation’s time and money talking about corn? Corn is not only the backbone of each state’s economy, but it’s also an extremely versatile crop. Corn fuels your cars, it makes your steaks by feeding cattle, it provides the tortillas from your favorite taco truck, it sweetens your soda pop, it acts as a filler in your favorite cheap beer. Heck, maybe you even had a bowl of corn flakes for breakfast. Hey speaking of bowls, did you know Nebraska has only 1 bowl win since 2014?

Sorry, back to all the uses of corn. Ethanol production has emerged as one of the leading uses of corn in recent years. Ethanol can be used as a fuel, a solvent, a food additive, and many other things. 1 in 3 bushels of corn will be turned into ethanol this year. Another thing that is 1-3 is Nebraska’s record in Lincoln against the Hawkeyes since they joined the Big Ten.

Perhaps my favorite application for corn is its use-- you know what I can’t do this anymore, corn is boring as hell.

Nebraska is just a giant call center full of neckbeards. A Runza is just a Hot Pocket full of future diarrhea. The only reason you got a share of the national championship in 1997 is because Phil Fulmer and John Cooper downvoted Michigan out of spite (which is still hilarious). I’ll never forgive you for replacing the battle for Floyd of Rosedale as the final game of the season and I can’t wait for a few more decades of mediocrity to turn you into Iowa State West. Enjoy your three day weekend, losers.